So, I've said I would write about a trip that I cannot remember anymore which it was... I believe it was Antwerp, or if not, i've been there since writing about places as well--- but both were fun, Antwerp was adventurous and exciting- i've been really connecting with my res. director Sabine which is always good-- she has a warm spot for me, and that's saying something.
I overslept today and Tricia arrived, which was awful , i felt terrible waking up, but i've been slaving over this paper this week, and by the time I get home at 830 and its time to make dinner, i just veg out and cant really move to go do hw or sleep , i just sit. its awful and a complete waste of time, but i'm overly exhausted and still have so many pressures so i feel i can't let go to sleep, that i must keep trying to get stuff done.
luckily Austin was workingo n my computer and played music to wake me up-- that did it. i wish i could have my alarm at home (with its music) that always woke me... :/
point of this , to say i'm going to be leaving my house at 4 am tomorrow to go to rome, then siena, then florence, then venice and im so excited. im exahusted , utterly, but im glad to have tricia here, and it'll all work out...
think i may be too tired to write much, but ..
a busy 2 weeks ahead, had a great time in the isa office today- had coffee and was happy with caffeine and people and the excitement of my 'sister' being here and friends and treats to share,
also Tricia blogging about her travels , i hope i can do some too... so great to have her experiencing it all . i'm so happy for her!! everything is fresh and new and exciting and wondrous,
Europe is lovely and beautiful
i'm happy to have both sides of the experience. i love being able to be with her, in her awe, and with a person like irene who is from here who is respectful and kind and intriguing in all her italian ways <3
love,
carolyn
i hope i get some sleep so this trip can be absolutely unforgettable ;) kiss kiss (as the Italians do ) beso beso
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
LDR.. ? ;)
I wish I had someone to pray for me. I miss having a friend who i can turn to and ask for a hug and prayer. I miss Naomi, I miss having roommates who care and love me and will be there for me despite the chaos going on. I miss being loved. and known and supported. (spiritually,..)...
Mom, i miss you. i misss even being able to call you and have you pray for me, freshman year, thats all i did, and i am older and more capable of life (perhaps) but I still long for someone to love and support and encourage me. Where is God when I dont have a person to love on me....
wow. (just came back and added this in after stuff below, so the flow won't make too much sense once you get dnoe with this.. but anyway,....) what a weight just hit me. im missing the Body so much right now. I have never been in such a state where I have to actively seek to be fed. I normally have friendships (at least) who are constantly encouraging or challenging me, or at least i can spill my spiritual/God relationship guts.. etc. and I have not seen the value of having someone, but I think i HAVE to go to a church on sunday (think the assembly of God one is kinda super far away.... but might be cool -- ripley smith-prof/helper/advisor to me at bethel gave me that one adn another one (which the ugy at my internsihp goes to) and ripley's friend's home church is the farther away one. i listened to a sermom today during work , adn it was good. i liked it. i just want believers to hold me and pray for me, and i feel like i might find more receptiveness to that at a more emotionally approachable church.. great pastor talked on the podcast. it was sweet :-D
(ok this is waht i wrote before teh paragraph above)....
every relationship here is different and encouraging in different ways, bu ti just want to be with believers who can pray for me. I might get up early on Sunday to go to an Assemblies of God church on Sunday so that they can pray for me. I am crying my eyes out as i write this and i'm trying to be quiet so my roommates won't hear me.
(and stopped crying when i realized i need believers)
Some of you friends know this, and of course mom, dad, you know, and obviously the subject of it knows ;)
ha, but another major stressor/factor, well , i dont know. let me start over.
I have a crazy schedule. I have class monday all day, and then get home, but am exhausted from a likely late night on sunday, and have to push through. Austin and I had planned a skype date (once a week) to try to have fun and catch up together. well, it's not been the most successful thing in the world, and it was at the beginning of coming up with that idea, but life and crazy-ness got in teh way. Austin's schedule is as crazy, probably more than mine. Mine is crazy relative to those studying abroad-- compared to them, i have it rough, compared to home, its probably not that bad-- its just that you add in the emotions and the new-ness and the challenges that come with it, and emotionally its different than home (which can start to catch up with you).. anyway, Aust and i... we both love spending time together, we both enjoy each other so much, that it is hard that we both care, .... as my friend Darcy has mentioned, Austin and i both being such passionate ppl means that the lows, and pain will be felt THAT MUCH MORE b/c our highs are higher and our lows, will also go lower.... its hard... but can be good, esp when i think of this: versus you , mom and dad, who both stay --------------------------------------------- haha. very different from who i've always been... Dad and i could never spend all our days together, he alerady goes nuts after 10 minutes of listening to me ;) haha. anyone with me will probably go crazy, but hopefully ill tone down after i start to figure myself out and my quirks O;)
but anyway, so theres some more details... and Austin has a busy schedule, his and mine are basically as busy as could be, and then you try to throw in all our hopes for making our relationship still thrive as though we were in person, and it taxes both of us. I'm sharing all this because its honestly my biggest burden, but can also be one of my biggest joys.... I just want prayer to be giving it to God, and to brag on how incredible it is at the same time. I mean, i've shared a lot of my heart, both the ups-and-downs. but its b/c i care so much, i do love being in a relationship with Austin, I'm amazed at so many ways this knocked me off my feet and wasnt in my plans at all-- def. not, wasnt planning on going abroad, i gave that idea up too.. but here i am with it all, and what an opportunity for growth, Lord, please help me not to be destroyed before I make it through ;)
My mom gave me a little devotional book by Beth Moore which is called "Praying God's Word Day by Day" and one day has a quote on top of October 18: "God will give us Victory. But sometimes He will require every ounce of energy and cooperation we have in the process." and to continue:... "Blessed, merciful God, Your Word promises that those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, I will return with songs of joy, ['Carolyn' means 'Song of Joy'] carrying sheaves with me (Ps. 126:5-6).
Help me to see that the promise is not made to those who simply have tears but to those who are willing to sow seed in the midst of their tears. Your Word tells us in Luke 8:11 that the seed is the Word. If I'm willing to keep believing and sowing Your Word, even when I am desperately hurting, You will bring me forth from this difficult season with songs of joy. Because of Your faithfulness, with joy I will draw water from the wells of salvation (Isaiah 12:3)."
Amen.
Hmm... even more powerful writing this out, and realizing that "my name" is all throughout... i am so overwhelmed by God's love for me <3 mmm :)
wrote that prayer after i wrote all of the following :::: , nothing seems to big anymore, but i feel you don't see the progression God MAKES in me if i dont share the full picture, its just that it gets so jumbled... hope it can still share some of my heart and journey of how God uses and teaches me.
it's so hard. i see Austin discouraged and missing me (as i am for him, but its so different being a girl and seeing it, i feel... i think both species (male adn female) will react and feel badly for the other, but the way they react and wnat to help is so different ha). i feel bad i can do nothing, absolutely nothing for him (although i'm not mentioning praying and thats a very big not-so-NOTHING, but...i cant even talk to him when i'd like... i wrote a friend that a hard part about it is that if he and i were in person and we miscommunicated about something, one of us would pursue the other until we were sure we were on the same page--- when do you find that in a relationship? -- so many of the ones i see around me, will reinforce why I am so blessed that I am dating Austin... there are ways that I should also learn, like making it simpler and being mindful of what i am expecting-- i hate feeling so annoying-- ugh i hate it. i feel awful for it.. :/ but im trying to learn and be more reaonable and 'simple' :}
one other thing which has been encouraging in spite of all the heartache/missing... is that anyone (which is everyone) ha, more or less... that i've talked to about Austin, and then ended up mentioning the heartache and chaos of trying to figure this out when we both have ridiculous schedules,
they have mentioned how Austin and I will figure it out because we have "such a strong relationship" or we both "care so much about each other" or they "love us both so much" and we're "so great together" ... i mean, didnt i just write in my last blog about being a team?
i love being on a team with Austin. ... i especially love that ppl give me awesome feedback on that-- and many of those ppl dont even see us together!! ? like you, Amanda!!! and Cynthia complimented us.. i mean, the dear, dear friends I have, their opinions mean so much to me- Jenn, even ppl liking or commenting on pictures of us on facebook-- how much that means to me, that others NOTICE that we're together, that we're making a greater impact when together, than apart... thats sick. :-D
how much more encouragement coudl i get!!?! yay!! :-D
we both LOVE people---- haha i was just giong to say "i love people" then i realized i could say that of him too haha , how adorable ;p haha let me have my giddy realization in all this turmoil haha please!! ok...
ok complaints about my lifestyle... i chose to get here so i thought about deleting this, but i also like to be understood so i'm leaving it: (sorry i ramble on these things, thats basically what a blog is for me, i ramble, but its sooooooo refreshing to me, so thanks, even if you dont really make it through the whole thing, its nice and good and helpful for me!!!)
so today, i was talking about the classes i was taking, and the person was like:
oh, those are hard classes for abroad,-- most times ppl take dumb things like "wine tasting".... well, yep. thats wha ti've got, and then i have two full days of working, and then meals to be prepared (EVERY meal) and no direct family, but a new roommate rotating in and out that i feel i have to host and be friendly to-- its so hard... its nto the easy peezy life i had at home, nor even compared to the others here-- one girl said that she adn her bf are able to email a lot of little things back and forth and have something for each of them to wake up to.. little thigns (But they keep their communication up so much that they're so connecteD) she says she stays up super late to talk to him... well she also has days off of school, and nto very hard classes and its just crappy. i hate it. (he also is not in school, doesnt run his own business, doesnt appear to be super outgoing and have lots of friends... so great, for them, but what do you say to two crazy extroverts?)
i have somethign everyday for classes, work etc. and also have the burden / blessing of choosing my own food... (different than many here, so having a confidant who has a similar situation only goes to a certain degree..)
ha, its great to be enjoyed and liked, but today even, the 2 ladies in my direct office/room said i should come in more often, ha, they like having me around so much-- -well, i'm flattered, honestly... but besides work, i have class adn supposedly friends, and oh yeah, that relationship back home I really want to work...
like Austin said, and i mean, anyone can say ha, i have said, we didnt date long before we ended up going different directions, but as my other friend, (ha, for better or worse, askign all these friends for advice and prayer (from home) has gotten me in touch with them more often and frequently--- but anyway,) Alexis (MunchEe) told me to remember and also, tell Austin to remember, that God knew this would be this way and that it would be this difficult for us as I got over here... He knew it would be tough and hard for both of us... it's NO SURPRISE for Him... so to trust God, and encourage Austin of the same. We both can trust God... haha , i feel like such a baby girl for writing a huge BLOG (of all things, good grief) about Austin and my struggles hahaha
ohh geesh .
I dont know... but pray . please pray.
I believe Austin and I challenge each other in many, many ways , which is hard and good at the same time. We enjoy each other sooo much, so incredibly much, and are so detailed in caring for each other, and seeking to understand and appreciate the other... but as ppl over here have said, that those small things , those small misunderstandings are SOOOO amplified when you're far apart. it's definitely the ultimate challenge for me right now.
Also, I read a long distance relationship article online (haha, you can tell its bothering me lol) haha and I found that 2 factors which are hard for both Austin and me (i would say... i wont speak a complete answer for him, but to a certain degree, i would GUESS that it's not as easy).... but
1. that "you" need a confidant
---so a person in a ldr (long distance relationship--haha learned the lingo on these websites/researching)... anyway, this person would benefit from another going through the same thing-- i've got some of that-- but spiritually we dont connect and i feel that has a whole 'nother dimension to it... but anyway, i think i can find that more easily than Austin, but on the flip, Austin MAY be able to find those he's known for longer than 2 months who he can relate to in other wyas--- there's benefits to both, so not comparing just acknowledging, and anyway, so thats one thing--- finding a close friend to confide in, share these doubts, fears, etc. (this is where having a friend (or friends) with ldr are nice, b/c when i'll say, don't you get anxiuos about WHY you're doing this... ? then the other will say, yes, i mean, it's hard , its hard to guarantee when you're doubting and scared, but then you level back out and realize your feelings are still true and you know that you enjoy the other, so you can keep going (on my side, that is such such such a blessing--- so many things I might have gotten hung up on or had been doubting- i've been able to talk through-- so easily with so many with teh same thing going on).... It so so so so helps to know that what i'm going through is NORMAL and expected, miscommunication is easy... even the couple over here who ARE TOGETHER share some of the same battles and they're frickin in BRUSSELS, BELGIUM together-- dont even talk to me about complciations haha.. lol jk, they can . haha, teasing, but anywho,
so a confidant...
second, to have non-romantic touch
touch can be sooo effective at healing and comforting and making a person feel included...
that is something which i wonder if Austin might be able to find some(more-than me-knowing family, etc. having close friends from yrs past)... but of course, not nearly as much as if he had a snuggle buddy ;}-- and for me, well,
i get a few hugs? i dont know... i cant significantly think of who i'd touch/hug/ etc... but i know that if i were home i'd be going to a massage (which this site recommended--- it said, that is one VERY healing form of touch--) hmm.. if only i knew where to go , i could do that here and start healing my soul.
i'm trying to be proactive at areas that are major contributors to the stress on the relationship with Austin (and on me in life in general!!!)... i'm sorry, my parents would say i think too far into this... but if I've already gotten this deep in, i have to use reason/analysis to get OUT of it... i gotta get out. adn i cant just say, "ok, no big deal, make it simple again" haha i wish 'simple' came naturally to me, but i have to process to get OUT and at peace again. :) crying helps !! :=D and thats what it was tonight :) i'm so relaxed nwo and feel so good.. this helped too!
yipes i sound so crazy :( this makes me embarrassed for Austin to even be associated with me. i'm not totally crazy... :/
ok, well, thats my recent analysis, and i'm sorry, for spilling my guts... I hope this is not embarrassing, i mean it only in flattery to my dear Austin Friend at home who I miss so dearly because he is such a great friend and companion in my recent life. ;) i send my hugs to him, and any of you who read this who may run into him, hug him for me ;-D
thanks to all of you,
love to all, love you Family, love you Friends-who are so near to me Like Family- i am so blessed to have such a wide and deep circle, you mean the world to me!!!, and thanks to Dear Special Friend Austin ;)
<3,
cnp
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Brief i hope..
went to a bar called "Jungle Rhum" last night -- it was sooo cool-- we said it was like a Rainforest Cafe for adults :)
it was really sweet though. 7 euros for a cocktail though, but they had all different kinds of fun flavors... i split a coco loco with darcy and also had one other something... pitt it was called it had champagne, o.j. and grenadine. it was tasty and they all come with lots of fruit on the rim-- such a fun cute place! they had a big bin with potato chips to grab-- a lot of isa kids went and it was soo fun, great american dance music, which is fun to go back to, so we danced some, which was sooo so fun, and then had to make it home on the 12 o'clock tram, we definitely were there in plenty of time,
had a fairly good day at internship today, my supervisor/type woman is gone to baku azerbaijan (which, by the way, i am in process of doing my second draft on an article on azerbaijan) i went to work yesterday and they had a seminar AT our office-- so i sat in on one session, and also was invited by Branka to lunch at the crown palace (hotel) .. it was soo great!! i almost didnt go but im so glad i did!!
i got different cheeses (they always do their moz. and olives or other fancy little garnish type deals) i got this salmon pot pie type thing with spinach in it.. i had cooked pears which were delicious (they had the option of pork/beef something, lamb? , and potatoes with the pears, they also offered rice, tomatoes and these vegetable things that look kinda like tamales ;) --- i feel like Krista could appreciate that <3 ;-D
i also had a little chicken /asian salad thing... like the raman noodle type looking salad (except not ramen) and grilled chicken-- was good, got a FREE meal-- isnt this soooo wonderful!?! andi didnt have eto make it for myself and i was full!! had a little bit of a roll , trying ot think what else.
i had a bunch of fresh fruit for dessert and also a very very very veyr delicious lemon tart (figured i should try each of the desserts ;] ) so i had that (2 x, small portions but boy was it good!) and then i took a sliver of this delicious apple pie tart thing... i ate teh baked pear with it--- those baked pears were like baked apples Mama!!! i miss you!!! i wish i were home to make baked apples :'(
i wish i cuold have gone to the apple orchard with everyone too! ha, there will be other years.. i cant believe im this old already - what happened to me!?
haha (oh and also tried their tiramisu but it was NOT good so i didnt have more thatn a nibble).. didnt even taste like coffee-- their espresso wasnt too impressive either. i was afraid i was goin gto be wayyy buzzed, i didnt feel anything
oh boy, ok anyway, so had those delicious things and it was in a well lit room, lots of windows and it was cold outside, but sunny so that was nice, had an espresso at the lunch, had water with gas (mineral/fizzy) and talked with interesting ppl... there was a journalist (attractive italian guy) who talked some about espresso being teh real thing in (roma) italy... and then i mostly talked with Christina (who work swith me -- from spain) and a woman from sweden 32 yrs old with 2 kids, 1 and 3 at home, (we talked about day care/ 'improvements in society' and women working and oh my!! its 130 euros per month for 2 kids to go to daycare in sweden and they're everywehre! and her hub stays at home , did she say?? i cant reember ... geesh thats crazy!! and then a cute blonde girl from vienna austria-- she was really sweet- i liked her. i wish i could keep in contact with those ppl and go stay with them haha ;) christina from spain is 29 perhaps? i dont know, older than me and she said shes been datin gsame guy 5 years (haha this is SUCH a contrast from all of the love birds going around back home-- everybody popping 'the question' before we even get done with school... these ppl are sooo different, its refreshing really... although, they're all living together, and it doesnt matter whether you're married or not (in some sense, to these ppl) so whatever.. but, interesting none the less-- i feel most have long long long relationships , ive been hearing 5 a lot, but ill have to keep asking haha
weird world out there! ;)
the austrian girl--
she and i talked about if it were possible to present both sides of an issue at these confereneces.. and i brought up how i didnt know if those attending (the journalists) would maybe not agree with the european commission (the one funding it ) but if they might think more highly of them after they just sponsored their trip, experiences, educatoin etc... i mean, it all makes sense to me, why not recruit ppl in even if they arent of the same background--- the austrian girl said that she doesnt always agree with th ecommission, she's one of the few ithink?? id ont know... Dad, give me some insight will you?? (or whomever)
i was around when they were deciding about who to let apply/select for an upcoming conference/seminar and some could get in, some couldnt, certain backgrounds were favored more highly, i dont know its all very interesting to watch and observe
i love that part of it
i love the international part of it
it was interesting to sit in on that seminar thing-- it was fascinating- didnt know too much cuz i didnt even know azerbaijan was a country-- ha i mean i'd heard of it, but that it is the first muslim country to have been succesfful at becoming a democratic and secular republic, and that it is controlled very highly by the current pres. illham alyiev or something very similar to that spelling... and this guy was elected bakc to back 2 times but they changed it so he can keep going, and if ppl blog, speak out against the ideas of this 'majority' they may be phsyicallly hurt or put in prison... its intense. so fascinating! look at me! i'm learnign so much-- i could keep going too!! i wish i could go to more seminars!! :/ be cool to travel with them , like how they went to baku .
anyway, had a good day, hung out with Maria (since branka was gone) and she and i talked some about her bf back home, she started dating him at 24 and now is 29, off an on b/c she's traveled a lot and moved away etc etc.... hes in athens and omgoodness!! she's a great contact to have-- -she has a HOME right on the water-- theres a tiny road through a mountain that goes along the beach that separates her from the sand, and mountain on the other side.. its UNREAL in somwhere greece- i think like an 2- 2&1/2 hoursf rom athens.. i dont know, i love hearing about her culture, the men are always right, correct? and the women are always weclomign warm etc, i think the men too... ? haha Krista, Abby, i cant remember, i think lindsey, andrea were all at your condo Krista in Siesta and watched my big fat greek wedding-- haha that was soo fun, i love florida, i love you girls!!!
<3
and finally , ohh (one mor ething, last night i got dinner provided for too b/c they had sandwiches at the ejc and i was able to have 2 small -- kinda like paninos bread-- yum - and one was veg. and the other proscuitto or something... warmed up the meat one... but dont like that stuff too much so took some of it out... very ncie though.
:D yayGod provides !!! :-D
not going in tomorrow b/c they have a meeting in mastricht (their headquarters) and i will go in on friday after class--
might go try another estaurant on friday! :D i love it
this si the life !! !:-D
i'm sooo glad i started hangign out with skye too
she's refreshingly real and genuine and just super badly wants tso be loved
she's a sweetheart just without a pop and without the love and attn she would have liked.. dear sweet love. :'(
ok, final thought
i made myself a great meal tonight after almost thinking i was going ot collapse and not make ti home (as i walekd from work)... i had salmon , freshly cooked broccoli, and i even cooked rice and added basil and lemon ;)
yay for me!! hehe thats a full balanced meal, starch, veg, and protein :-D
yay!! i feel good after it too!! yummmm
ok love to you all .
i miss you fam and friends <3 you're so wonderful to me!!
it was really sweet though. 7 euros for a cocktail though, but they had all different kinds of fun flavors... i split a coco loco with darcy and also had one other something... pitt it was called it had champagne, o.j. and grenadine. it was tasty and they all come with lots of fruit on the rim-- such a fun cute place! they had a big bin with potato chips to grab-- a lot of isa kids went and it was soo fun, great american dance music, which is fun to go back to, so we danced some, which was sooo so fun, and then had to make it home on the 12 o'clock tram, we definitely were there in plenty of time,
had a fairly good day at internship today, my supervisor/type woman is gone to baku azerbaijan (which, by the way, i am in process of doing my second draft on an article on azerbaijan) i went to work yesterday and they had a seminar AT our office-- so i sat in on one session, and also was invited by Branka to lunch at the crown palace (hotel) .. it was soo great!! i almost didnt go but im so glad i did!!
i got different cheeses (they always do their moz. and olives or other fancy little garnish type deals) i got this salmon pot pie type thing with spinach in it.. i had cooked pears which were delicious (they had the option of pork/beef something, lamb? , and potatoes with the pears, they also offered rice, tomatoes and these vegetable things that look kinda like tamales ;) --- i feel like Krista could appreciate that <3 ;-D
i also had a little chicken /asian salad thing... like the raman noodle type looking salad (except not ramen) and grilled chicken-- was good, got a FREE meal-- isnt this soooo wonderful!?! andi didnt have eto make it for myself and i was full!! had a little bit of a roll , trying ot think what else.
i had a bunch of fresh fruit for dessert and also a very very very veyr delicious lemon tart (figured i should try each of the desserts ;] ) so i had that (2 x, small portions but boy was it good!) and then i took a sliver of this delicious apple pie tart thing... i ate teh baked pear with it--- those baked pears were like baked apples Mama!!! i miss you!!! i wish i were home to make baked apples :'(
i wish i cuold have gone to the apple orchard with everyone too! ha, there will be other years.. i cant believe im this old already - what happened to me!?
haha (oh and also tried their tiramisu but it was NOT good so i didnt have more thatn a nibble).. didnt even taste like coffee-- their espresso wasnt too impressive either. i was afraid i was goin gto be wayyy buzzed, i didnt feel anything
oh boy, ok anyway, so had those delicious things and it was in a well lit room, lots of windows and it was cold outside, but sunny so that was nice, had an espresso at the lunch, had water with gas (mineral/fizzy) and talked with interesting ppl... there was a journalist (attractive italian guy) who talked some about espresso being teh real thing in (roma) italy... and then i mostly talked with Christina (who work swith me -- from spain) and a woman from sweden 32 yrs old with 2 kids, 1 and 3 at home, (we talked about day care/ 'improvements in society' and women working and oh my!! its 130 euros per month for 2 kids to go to daycare in sweden and they're everywehre! and her hub stays at home , did she say?? i cant reember ... geesh thats crazy!! and then a cute blonde girl from vienna austria-- she was really sweet- i liked her. i wish i could keep in contact with those ppl and go stay with them haha ;) christina from spain is 29 perhaps? i dont know, older than me and she said shes been datin gsame guy 5 years (haha this is SUCH a contrast from all of the love birds going around back home-- everybody popping 'the question' before we even get done with school... these ppl are sooo different, its refreshing really... although, they're all living together, and it doesnt matter whether you're married or not (in some sense, to these ppl) so whatever.. but, interesting none the less-- i feel most have long long long relationships , ive been hearing 5 a lot, but ill have to keep asking haha
weird world out there! ;)
the austrian girl--
she and i talked about if it were possible to present both sides of an issue at these confereneces.. and i brought up how i didnt know if those attending (the journalists) would maybe not agree with the european commission (the one funding it ) but if they might think more highly of them after they just sponsored their trip, experiences, educatoin etc... i mean, it all makes sense to me, why not recruit ppl in even if they arent of the same background--- the austrian girl said that she doesnt always agree with th ecommission, she's one of the few ithink?? id ont know... Dad, give me some insight will you?? (or whomever)
i was around when they were deciding about who to let apply/select for an upcoming conference/seminar and some could get in, some couldnt, certain backgrounds were favored more highly, i dont know its all very interesting to watch and observe
i love that part of it
i love the international part of it
it was interesting to sit in on that seminar thing-- it was fascinating- didnt know too much cuz i didnt even know azerbaijan was a country-- ha i mean i'd heard of it, but that it is the first muslim country to have been succesfful at becoming a democratic and secular republic, and that it is controlled very highly by the current pres. illham alyiev or something very similar to that spelling... and this guy was elected bakc to back 2 times but they changed it so he can keep going, and if ppl blog, speak out against the ideas of this 'majority' they may be phsyicallly hurt or put in prison... its intense. so fascinating! look at me! i'm learnign so much-- i could keep going too!! i wish i could go to more seminars!! :/ be cool to travel with them , like how they went to baku .
anyway, had a good day, hung out with Maria (since branka was gone) and she and i talked some about her bf back home, she started dating him at 24 and now is 29, off an on b/c she's traveled a lot and moved away etc etc.... hes in athens and omgoodness!! she's a great contact to have-- -she has a HOME right on the water-- theres a tiny road through a mountain that goes along the beach that separates her from the sand, and mountain on the other side.. its UNREAL in somwhere greece- i think like an 2- 2&1/2 hoursf rom athens.. i dont know, i love hearing about her culture, the men are always right, correct? and the women are always weclomign warm etc, i think the men too... ? haha Krista, Abby, i cant remember, i think lindsey, andrea were all at your condo Krista in Siesta and watched my big fat greek wedding-- haha that was soo fun, i love florida, i love you girls!!!
<3
and finally , ohh (one mor ething, last night i got dinner provided for too b/c they had sandwiches at the ejc and i was able to have 2 small -- kinda like paninos bread-- yum - and one was veg. and the other proscuitto or something... warmed up the meat one... but dont like that stuff too much so took some of it out... very ncie though.
:D yayGod provides !!! :-D
not going in tomorrow b/c they have a meeting in mastricht (their headquarters) and i will go in on friday after class--
might go try another estaurant on friday! :D i love it
this si the life !! !:-D
i'm sooo glad i started hangign out with skye too
she's refreshingly real and genuine and just super badly wants tso be loved
she's a sweetheart just without a pop and without the love and attn she would have liked.. dear sweet love. :'(
ok, final thought
i made myself a great meal tonight after almost thinking i was going ot collapse and not make ti home (as i walekd from work)... i had salmon , freshly cooked broccoli, and i even cooked rice and added basil and lemon ;)
yay for me!! hehe thats a full balanced meal, starch, veg, and protein :-D
yay!! i feel good after it too!! yummmm
ok love to you all .
i miss you fam and friends <3 you're so wonderful to me!!
Monday, October 11, 2010
11.10.10 :}
Had a great weekend, sooo thankful i stayed home.
had a fabulous time ....
i am so refreshed.. really tired, but refreshed... my heart is restored in many areas of my life... i feel a bit of :-$ mixed emotion-- could be tiredness... could be awareness that there is more to come...
oh! could be that i got a c on one of my midterms, ha, considering i had the flu quite bad and slept all of sunday last weekend which was night before the midterm, thats not too bad... just surprised...
its all common sense in his class and so i didnt feel it was necessary to overwhlem myself with over studying , i mean, i looked through most things, and i cant get the dumb academic website to work for his powerpoints--- he's using 2 websites, why not just use one?? ugh... resentment towards him and his ways...
and now feeling the pressure to get going on my GE assessment paper--- he said for the midterm we start with zero and have to prove ourselves worthy of points,(whcih i knew theory, but specific words he'd mention on the powerpoint i didnt know exact-- so didnt 'prove myself') whatever, europe. i'm fine. grades dont transfer , i shouldnt complain. c isnt even bad... but its me, haha and i was just puzzled by it... whatever. sickness, lack of motivation, busy-ness, different grading, lack of clarity, websites not working, whatever.. it didnt go as well as i imagined.
tonight though, i heard stories from budapest and edinburgh, both sounded like the ppl who went had fun... but i'm so glad i wasnt a part of either
sooooo glad
im sad that my neck and shoulder blade are starting to get tingly again from being soo muscle-y tight.
i have recently been so encouraged and had so much fun writing dear friedns and old friends on facebook-- ppl i hadnt talked ot in a long time are now getting reconnected--- i am grateful for fb for once!!! :=D i'm learning to appreciate!! big step!!
went fo ra walk tonight that was nice... internship tomorrow... love that they love me at the itnership, that makes such a difference. i love being loved.
little chris who was with us on saturday was acting quite immaturely (alwasy kinda lacks social skills) and we were showing him how to smoke a cigar, and teaching him how to drink , but to do it socially, the point is not to get drunk, its to have something to sit over and talk ... (at least what we were up to..) and it was frsutrating b/c he just wouldnt udnerstand and then say, "i just dont do it lik ethat, or i just dont ... i just dont... " everything had another excuse on it. i was so frustrated ppl like that, just covering, i'm like grow up or dont be here. i have very little patience (inside) but i was being gentle and teaching him about tasting wine, much like how you could do it for beer, and just sniff and let the flavor , texture roll around in your mouth. get the body of it.... he just wasnt getting it i guess.. but felt insecure. ... this is where i get actually upset
so he goes home and tells him roommate, jackson , that i was drunk . 1, i was definitely NOT drunk. 2, that i was teaching him how to drink, 3. etc etc etc that was so immature
jackson said he knew right away that whatever little chris said was way different thats why he was comign to me for the story, but anyway, i was just aggravated even more hearing that... i felt awful when we were with him, b/c everythign he did , he had NO back bone, nothing of confidence in him... and thats all i wanted for him, i want him to succeed an dnot be pathetic and annoying to everyone he meets, i mean, he's pursuing some girl back home who strings him along and most likely uses him for whatever convenience, he's too good of aheart to not see... its hard... bc/ while i care and feel poorly for him. i also feel burdened and responsible and tooo much.. i have to let it go. but im just like, God, could i just shake him and turn him over and he'd be fine...
ugh
but like we pointed out, and so did little chris... he didnt have a dad
nor any other male figure
ugh. how frustraing
way to go 'dad' you didnt raise your son and now he's the laughing stock/annoyance of everywehre he goes... how heartbreaking... tahts mayb ewhy i feel even wrose.. im heartbroken and frustrated b/c i just want to remedy it and i dont want to see it anymnore-- its uncomfortable for me. i care sooo much about family's being strong and raising kids well... that it sucks to see that.. i hate it i hate it.
:'( grrrr
God, help little chris, help him to be given men who are strong and encouraging and who will direct him to live a better , stronger , positive life. God, i pray you give me patience and mediation and peace and comfort ... Lord, i have no patience, i can only get through on Yours. Take me. and take him . haha take him FAAAARRRR from me, and work, and then help me to be ther efor him and be who You would have me to be. You are not done in me, and not done in my relationship with little chris... God, i pray I give you me. Here i am.
love to all,
thoughts on life... i guess??
had a fabulous time ....
i am so refreshed.. really tired, but refreshed... my heart is restored in many areas of my life... i feel a bit of :-$ mixed emotion-- could be tiredness... could be awareness that there is more to come...
oh! could be that i got a c on one of my midterms, ha, considering i had the flu quite bad and slept all of sunday last weekend which was night before the midterm, thats not too bad... just surprised...
its all common sense in his class and so i didnt feel it was necessary to overwhlem myself with over studying , i mean, i looked through most things, and i cant get the dumb academic website to work for his powerpoints--- he's using 2 websites, why not just use one?? ugh... resentment towards him and his ways...
and now feeling the pressure to get going on my GE assessment paper--- he said for the midterm we start with zero and have to prove ourselves worthy of points,(whcih i knew theory, but specific words he'd mention on the powerpoint i didnt know exact-- so didnt 'prove myself') whatever, europe. i'm fine. grades dont transfer , i shouldnt complain. c isnt even bad... but its me, haha and i was just puzzled by it... whatever. sickness, lack of motivation, busy-ness, different grading, lack of clarity, websites not working, whatever.. it didnt go as well as i imagined.
tonight though, i heard stories from budapest and edinburgh, both sounded like the ppl who went had fun... but i'm so glad i wasnt a part of either
sooooo glad
im sad that my neck and shoulder blade are starting to get tingly again from being soo muscle-y tight.
i have recently been so encouraged and had so much fun writing dear friedns and old friends on facebook-- ppl i hadnt talked ot in a long time are now getting reconnected--- i am grateful for fb for once!!! :=D i'm learning to appreciate!! big step!!
went fo ra walk tonight that was nice... internship tomorrow... love that they love me at the itnership, that makes such a difference. i love being loved.
little chris who was with us on saturday was acting quite immaturely (alwasy kinda lacks social skills) and we were showing him how to smoke a cigar, and teaching him how to drink , but to do it socially, the point is not to get drunk, its to have something to sit over and talk ... (at least what we were up to..) and it was frsutrating b/c he just wouldnt udnerstand and then say, "i just dont do it lik ethat, or i just dont ... i just dont... " everything had another excuse on it. i was so frustrated ppl like that, just covering, i'm like grow up or dont be here. i have very little patience (inside) but i was being gentle and teaching him about tasting wine, much like how you could do it for beer, and just sniff and let the flavor , texture roll around in your mouth. get the body of it.... he just wasnt getting it i guess.. but felt insecure. ... this is where i get actually upset
so he goes home and tells him roommate, jackson , that i was drunk . 1, i was definitely NOT drunk. 2, that i was teaching him how to drink, 3. etc etc etc that was so immature
jackson said he knew right away that whatever little chris said was way different thats why he was comign to me for the story, but anyway, i was just aggravated even more hearing that... i felt awful when we were with him, b/c everythign he did , he had NO back bone, nothing of confidence in him... and thats all i wanted for him, i want him to succeed an dnot be pathetic and annoying to everyone he meets, i mean, he's pursuing some girl back home who strings him along and most likely uses him for whatever convenience, he's too good of aheart to not see... its hard... bc/ while i care and feel poorly for him. i also feel burdened and responsible and tooo much.. i have to let it go. but im just like, God, could i just shake him and turn him over and he'd be fine...
ugh
but like we pointed out, and so did little chris... he didnt have a dad
nor any other male figure
ugh. how frustraing
way to go 'dad' you didnt raise your son and now he's the laughing stock/annoyance of everywehre he goes... how heartbreaking... tahts mayb ewhy i feel even wrose.. im heartbroken and frustrated b/c i just want to remedy it and i dont want to see it anymnore-- its uncomfortable for me. i care sooo much about family's being strong and raising kids well... that it sucks to see that.. i hate it i hate it.
:'( grrrr
God, help little chris, help him to be given men who are strong and encouraging and who will direct him to live a better , stronger , positive life. God, i pray you give me patience and mediation and peace and comfort ... Lord, i have no patience, i can only get through on Yours. Take me. and take him . haha take him FAAAARRRR from me, and work, and then help me to be ther efor him and be who You would have me to be. You are not done in me, and not done in my relationship with little chris... God, i pray I give you me. Here i am.
love to all,
thoughts on life... i guess??
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Yay for Friday Nights in Brussels
Last weekend, when i think my sickness began. I stayed in. More or less, a girl, Caitlin, and I, went to the grocery and found food. It was great for me to get grocery shoppign done, but I was looking fwd to making our food, then going out and getting a drink somewhere with some of my close friends... she had another agenda. So at 10 o'clock , we decided to stay in. I like more than one-on-ones. I love including more. I have a good time one-on-one's for a while, and to an extent. I mean, who doesn't need some good quality, focused time where you know the other person cares about you, and you care about them... love it. BUT, on that night, I was looking forward to some exclusive time, and then going out. ANYWAY, i resent that a bit, b/c nights in Brussels are precious and few. and all week, i'd been really looking forward to trying out a new bar/cafe for friday night with some close friends. That sounded like a blast... bummer its missed and gone and over with and i got sick form it. I guess stand up for what i want, i just try to get on the band wagon of the person i'm with as well... hard beig a ppl pleaser, b/c many times i dont regret my decisions to do something i dont really want, but the other does... i sacrifice but end up enjoying it and beign rewarded-- I believe at times, God has a different plan than my strong willed ideas/which i dont actually know better... but there are times, it comes at a cost and it wasnt actually God saying, adjust be flexible, and i actually SHOULD HAVE stood up for what i wanted... anyway, whatever. that was long adn drawn out
ha, I have written much for a while.. flu was awful, i'm kinda suffering a slight cold now i think, but last night was incredibly refreshing and fun and cozy and warm. I lvoed it!! we (Skye and Kelsey ) and I met up at 8 to find a restaurant that was on a list of places to visit that Sabine had given us. It was a fun place for youth she said, and they make everythign with beer. I dont know if I noticed this, but it was good regardlss. Skye and I ordered steaks whcih came with frites (i asked for bread) they had some weird sausages out as we sat down, and they had candles on every table. It was beautiful. I lovved it, it was a little hole in the wall, very clean, but so small and packed and loud. Very European, wine at many tables, and great food and variety. I've now been to two restaurants on the list. One night a while back, I was meeting with Chris Knowles (whose teh tall chris i mention) he and I were meeting for a group project and he had to relocate homestays for his second time, so ISA said to take him out to eat, Sabine knows i'm the only one without a family, so she offered smae to me and 2 other girls who were around the office. We all went to the second restaurant on this list of 3-4 slightly more expensive category (she has them divided: on a student budget, slightly more expensive, places to take your parents). Mama, papa, i cannot wait to bring you to different restaurants. I just cannot wait for you to be here. Happy Anniversary (early)!! I love you i love you.
Ok, anyway, we tried that restaurant a while back, i got fish (3 different kinds) for 23 euros on ISA's tab. So sweet- with lots of vegetables, and a side salad. It was sooo good. sole, salmon, and another local fav.. i cant think of name -- did i already write this? it feels soooo familiar to me. well anway, 2 of 3-4 on that list, i've now been to-- makes me feel accomplished :)
also found a hair stylist place that i know was on the 'chain' list sabine recommended.. 19 euros for a student hair cut (women)
thast not too bad.. i mean comparable to usa. more expensive than sweet Jan-- mom, send her my love and hugs, and i miss her and i'm taking note of fashion over here for her!!! -- tell her: blazers, stylish shoes, layers, jewelry, hardly any hair coloring, if so, its dyed and not highlighted, lots of heels, guys are sooo stylish- wear cute pants, and dress well. my brother says, "i'm not gay, i'm european" hehe . girls are ALWAYS looking good... there ARE sweatshirts over here, but most common is nicely dressed ppl, not like, a blouse and pants, its like a blouse, with a few necklaces, a scarf, a tank top hanging lower than top shirt, and high heels that accent the necklace, and a ring, and their hair sorta sloppy like a model/bed head... its very interesting. fun to watch ;)
anyway, excerpt to my hair stylist at home, love her.
ok. so had a good time, we walked around Debouckere- cannot wait for you Tricia, and parents to know where and what i'm talking about-- cannot wait. going to work hardcore on hw today and tomorrow... ill get ready!! :-D and i hope to also go out again tonight.. oh gross just remembered laundry and groceries ... well, we'll see.. skype date with Amanda tomorrow too!! :-D and any of you others who try to make one with me!!! cant wait.
so anway, had those girls, they and i talked about everythign- it was sweet to share about why i choose and decided to be a virgin, i got to explain it and it went very well-- skye asked if it were personal or relgion basd, i said, well, my morals came from my faith, but I see reason for it... I said, see, by staying a virigin, I don't have to worry about sleeping with the last bf, then the next, and comparing to the last, knowing that it was wayy better. ha, i'm sooo
wow
i'm just.. .haha God has blessed me so much, i love people and it comes from God... but he's also blessed me witht eh ability to WIN people... and he gives me humour, 'cute'ness and whatever else to do that.. i mean wow. my words are powerful and persuasive and convincing.. its INTENSE... to she who was given a lot, much is expected... whew. but anyway, so, i said, Skye said, dont ever have sex, b/c once you do, you'll just want it more, and they both appreciated my perspective and they were like, man i miss the "wanting" of it, rather than it just always being given, i miss the game of playin ghard to get, etc.
it was reality for these girls and God presented it so well in me to them, it rocked, i was pumped for God.. he stood out last night and i loved loved loved it...
so i said, ive stayed a virgin and I can see why i believe my relationsihp with God would say, dont have sex until marriage, that i will protect myself from always wnating, (relevant to them) , from comparing (also also also verrrrry relevant), for feeling pursued and wanted (and this leads me to my thought this morning....)
i want to be completely irreplacable. i want to be so touching to people, to people i meet, to those in my life, to thos ewho pass by me , that they cannot forget me, that they cannot compare me to another, that they are unable to ever replace me. i dont ever want to be replaced. i want to be valued and remembered and cared for...
last night, with those girls, God spoke, and God used my story, and God shares my heart, He pours it out and my life and what i've been through and the HUGE ways I've screwed up my story, but just become that much more relevant to others... and i share it.
gosh, i love my God, i'm brought to tears at how much He moves through me, I want Him to show up , and i want to be irreplacable BECAUSE of HIM... I rememember talking to Abby Carlson one time about a former guy in her life and how he kept pursuing her b/c he had seen GOD in her, and how attractive that was.. he was seeking and God was who he needed, so how could he not forget her, (besdies all the many, many beautiful qualities she has.... ) just, how much more real and powerful i feel i am when I see its not me at all....
I want to be Beautiful <3
:}
hmm... thats a thoguht too.. while friday was not my ideal (when i stayed in...) it WAS and DID mean something to CAitlin, so, then again, may not have been what i esp. wanted, God used my sacrfice for this other person, ppl pleasing, to give to her, and give her the kidn of night she wanted and needed so badly... she got to talk abou ther bf back home and appreciated it b/c she says she never gets to talk about him... soo.. if its not me thats benefiting, i pray that these times are ways that GOD can be reaching out and seen....
I'ts a beatufiul sunshiney day and i'm feeling so much better! i'm stlll sooo tird, but i'm soo happy b/c i FELT GOD MOVING through me last night... i know He is, and I know He is with me, but i love lvoe lvoe the 'high' i get from experiences last night, wehre i get to share my faith, and make it relevant, and it moves---- GOD moves... these girls were touched... one has a varying sex life with several bfs/loves.... and the other has her own story with one guy and issues regarding that... i mean, i said, its funny, b/c i'll present my ideas, but they are such a different scale haha
i was like, its not "everything but" in my vocabulary... Skye was like, i have a friend who does everything but, but she's been saving intercourse for the guy she marries... so she understood that, but their mouths dropped hearing my stories... i mean my "bad" , which i still believe is... it has not washed away or dumbed down just b/c i've been with other ppl, my moral scale is not based on this world or those around me, it is based on my convictions with my GOD...
but, i was like, my 'mistakes' as, my faith traditoin goes.. i try to save as much as i can , b/c i know those 'rules' are set befoer me not to limit me but to give me freedom and safety in a marriage someday... i can be fully loved and appreciated and adored (hopefully) with someone who does not have to compare me to some other lover he's had... i know God set up those rules, SO THAT, i could experience an intimate love relationship that would not be in fear b/c of comparison, better expereinces in the past, 'knowing' how to do things, that actually are not how the next person wants it done... i mean,
ugh, i explained... these things are out of my Chrsitian faith.. that i see it as being to help me, and they both were like, wow, yeah, i can totaly see that. i appreciate that. that's so cool. yada yada...
and the connecting piece...
those girls longed to feel loved
i saw it, i know it.
humans logn to be loved... we long to be 'irreplacable' and to be incredible and great at what we're doing, to be amazing so much so that no one else could ever live up to who we are....
those girls, longed to feel beautiful and loved... and God shared a bit of how i have come to that understanding and realizing that I AM beautiful and loved...
taht i am protected and cared for... this world, those i date, those i love, those i relate to , those i meet, will or may not be from the same life story, but God CAN redeem anyone, these girls, could realize in the next couple months how much they actually could possibly feel and be that way--- in the most unreal way imaginable.. it seems unimaginable to them...
it breaks my heart... we're told we're not worth anything, its so often said over here, there bf will be moody or upset or something and they'll say, i wish he would just shut up, "he'll get sex later" ...
like,
it just breaks me, it breaks my heart.. makes me want to run from a relationship until its completely self-sacrificial on both parts...
b/c its just soo sad, its so sad. my perspective is , i feel what i've done is wrong, and i know to them, what i've done means nothing, but i am NOT comparing to the world, to others, i am comparing to what I agreed upon with God, and what I want for future hub someday, not for others... and its sad to me for what i've ven done. and them talking to me, it's nothing...
and i know, in the world's eyes, it really is....
but i am not of the world, i am set apart and i wish i could be even more set apart, but i see God using my life and msitakes, i just dont want to keep making them, i want to live apart and free and holy, not untouchable holy... the kind of holy a chapel speaker decorated one time in high school--- about "be holy as i am holy" being about holiness as beign the becoming MORE of yourself-- becoming MORE BEAUTIFUL... b/c as God makes you 'holy" it actually means, YOU, in all your personality and characteristics, etc. are becoming more and more like Him--- why WOULDNT that be beautiful ????
heck yes, i'm ready. i'm His....
ill write more later, i think it'll be areflective weekend... hope to find somewehre else to explore tonight
love to all
ha, I have written much for a while.. flu was awful, i'm kinda suffering a slight cold now i think, but last night was incredibly refreshing and fun and cozy and warm. I lvoed it!! we (Skye and Kelsey ) and I met up at 8 to find a restaurant that was on a list of places to visit that Sabine had given us. It was a fun place for youth she said, and they make everythign with beer. I dont know if I noticed this, but it was good regardlss. Skye and I ordered steaks whcih came with frites (i asked for bread) they had some weird sausages out as we sat down, and they had candles on every table. It was beautiful. I lovved it, it was a little hole in the wall, very clean, but so small and packed and loud. Very European, wine at many tables, and great food and variety. I've now been to two restaurants on the list. One night a while back, I was meeting with Chris Knowles (whose teh tall chris i mention) he and I were meeting for a group project and he had to relocate homestays for his second time, so ISA said to take him out to eat, Sabine knows i'm the only one without a family, so she offered smae to me and 2 other girls who were around the office. We all went to the second restaurant on this list of 3-4 slightly more expensive category (she has them divided: on a student budget, slightly more expensive, places to take your parents). Mama, papa, i cannot wait to bring you to different restaurants. I just cannot wait for you to be here. Happy Anniversary (early)!! I love you i love you.
Ok, anyway, we tried that restaurant a while back, i got fish (3 different kinds) for 23 euros on ISA's tab. So sweet- with lots of vegetables, and a side salad. It was sooo good. sole, salmon, and another local fav.. i cant think of name -- did i already write this? it feels soooo familiar to me. well anway, 2 of 3-4 on that list, i've now been to-- makes me feel accomplished :)
also found a hair stylist place that i know was on the 'chain' list sabine recommended.. 19 euros for a student hair cut (women)
thast not too bad.. i mean comparable to usa. more expensive than sweet Jan-- mom, send her my love and hugs, and i miss her and i'm taking note of fashion over here for her!!! -- tell her: blazers, stylish shoes, layers, jewelry, hardly any hair coloring, if so, its dyed and not highlighted, lots of heels, guys are sooo stylish- wear cute pants, and dress well. my brother says, "i'm not gay, i'm european" hehe . girls are ALWAYS looking good... there ARE sweatshirts over here, but most common is nicely dressed ppl, not like, a blouse and pants, its like a blouse, with a few necklaces, a scarf, a tank top hanging lower than top shirt, and high heels that accent the necklace, and a ring, and their hair sorta sloppy like a model/bed head... its very interesting. fun to watch ;)
anyway, excerpt to my hair stylist at home, love her.
ok. so had a good time, we walked around Debouckere- cannot wait for you Tricia, and parents to know where and what i'm talking about-- cannot wait. going to work hardcore on hw today and tomorrow... ill get ready!! :-D and i hope to also go out again tonight.. oh gross just remembered laundry and groceries ... well, we'll see.. skype date with Amanda tomorrow too!! :-D and any of you others who try to make one with me!!! cant wait.
so anway, had those girls, they and i talked about everythign- it was sweet to share about why i choose and decided to be a virgin, i got to explain it and it went very well-- skye asked if it were personal or relgion basd, i said, well, my morals came from my faith, but I see reason for it... I said, see, by staying a virigin, I don't have to worry about sleeping with the last bf, then the next, and comparing to the last, knowing that it was wayy better. ha, i'm sooo
wow
i'm just.. .haha God has blessed me so much, i love people and it comes from God... but he's also blessed me witht eh ability to WIN people... and he gives me humour, 'cute'ness and whatever else to do that.. i mean wow. my words are powerful and persuasive and convincing.. its INTENSE... to she who was given a lot, much is expected... whew. but anyway, so, i said, Skye said, dont ever have sex, b/c once you do, you'll just want it more, and they both appreciated my perspective and they were like, man i miss the "wanting" of it, rather than it just always being given, i miss the game of playin ghard to get, etc.
it was reality for these girls and God presented it so well in me to them, it rocked, i was pumped for God.. he stood out last night and i loved loved loved it...
so i said, ive stayed a virgin and I can see why i believe my relationsihp with God would say, dont have sex until marriage, that i will protect myself from always wnating, (relevant to them) , from comparing (also also also verrrrry relevant), for feeling pursued and wanted (and this leads me to my thought this morning....)
i want to be completely irreplacable. i want to be so touching to people, to people i meet, to those in my life, to thos ewho pass by me , that they cannot forget me, that they cannot compare me to another, that they are unable to ever replace me. i dont ever want to be replaced. i want to be valued and remembered and cared for...
last night, with those girls, God spoke, and God used my story, and God shares my heart, He pours it out and my life and what i've been through and the HUGE ways I've screwed up my story, but just become that much more relevant to others... and i share it.
gosh, i love my God, i'm brought to tears at how much He moves through me, I want Him to show up , and i want to be irreplacable BECAUSE of HIM... I rememember talking to Abby Carlson one time about a former guy in her life and how he kept pursuing her b/c he had seen GOD in her, and how attractive that was.. he was seeking and God was who he needed, so how could he not forget her, (besdies all the many, many beautiful qualities she has.... ) just, how much more real and powerful i feel i am when I see its not me at all....
I want to be Beautiful <3
:}
hmm... thats a thoguht too.. while friday was not my ideal (when i stayed in...) it WAS and DID mean something to CAitlin, so, then again, may not have been what i esp. wanted, God used my sacrfice for this other person, ppl pleasing, to give to her, and give her the kidn of night she wanted and needed so badly... she got to talk abou ther bf back home and appreciated it b/c she says she never gets to talk about him... soo.. if its not me thats benefiting, i pray that these times are ways that GOD can be reaching out and seen....
I'ts a beatufiul sunshiney day and i'm feeling so much better! i'm stlll sooo tird, but i'm soo happy b/c i FELT GOD MOVING through me last night... i know He is, and I know He is with me, but i love lvoe lvoe the 'high' i get from experiences last night, wehre i get to share my faith, and make it relevant, and it moves---- GOD moves... these girls were touched... one has a varying sex life with several bfs/loves.... and the other has her own story with one guy and issues regarding that... i mean, i said, its funny, b/c i'll present my ideas, but they are such a different scale haha
i was like, its not "everything but" in my vocabulary... Skye was like, i have a friend who does everything but, but she's been saving intercourse for the guy she marries... so she understood that, but their mouths dropped hearing my stories... i mean my "bad" , which i still believe is... it has not washed away or dumbed down just b/c i've been with other ppl, my moral scale is not based on this world or those around me, it is based on my convictions with my GOD...
but, i was like, my 'mistakes' as, my faith traditoin goes.. i try to save as much as i can , b/c i know those 'rules' are set befoer me not to limit me but to give me freedom and safety in a marriage someday... i can be fully loved and appreciated and adored (hopefully) with someone who does not have to compare me to some other lover he's had... i know God set up those rules, SO THAT, i could experience an intimate love relationship that would not be in fear b/c of comparison, better expereinces in the past, 'knowing' how to do things, that actually are not how the next person wants it done... i mean,
ugh, i explained... these things are out of my Chrsitian faith.. that i see it as being to help me, and they both were like, wow, yeah, i can totaly see that. i appreciate that. that's so cool. yada yada...
and the connecting piece...
those girls longed to feel loved
i saw it, i know it.
humans logn to be loved... we long to be 'irreplacable' and to be incredible and great at what we're doing, to be amazing so much so that no one else could ever live up to who we are....
those girls, longed to feel beautiful and loved... and God shared a bit of how i have come to that understanding and realizing that I AM beautiful and loved...
taht i am protected and cared for... this world, those i date, those i love, those i relate to , those i meet, will or may not be from the same life story, but God CAN redeem anyone, these girls, could realize in the next couple months how much they actually could possibly feel and be that way--- in the most unreal way imaginable.. it seems unimaginable to them...
it breaks my heart... we're told we're not worth anything, its so often said over here, there bf will be moody or upset or something and they'll say, i wish he would just shut up, "he'll get sex later" ...
like,
it just breaks me, it breaks my heart.. makes me want to run from a relationship until its completely self-sacrificial on both parts...
b/c its just soo sad, its so sad. my perspective is , i feel what i've done is wrong, and i know to them, what i've done means nothing, but i am NOT comparing to the world, to others, i am comparing to what I agreed upon with God, and what I want for future hub someday, not for others... and its sad to me for what i've ven done. and them talking to me, it's nothing...
and i know, in the world's eyes, it really is....
but i am not of the world, i am set apart and i wish i could be even more set apart, but i see God using my life and msitakes, i just dont want to keep making them, i want to live apart and free and holy, not untouchable holy... the kind of holy a chapel speaker decorated one time in high school--- about "be holy as i am holy" being about holiness as beign the becoming MORE of yourself-- becoming MORE BEAUTIFUL... b/c as God makes you 'holy" it actually means, YOU, in all your personality and characteristics, etc. are becoming more and more like Him--- why WOULDNT that be beautiful ????
heck yes, i'm ready. i'm His....
ill write more later, i think it'll be areflective weekend... hope to find somewehre else to explore tonight
love to all
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Oh, might i add...
Importing the cheaper merchandise, in this case, my cereal, from another country is hardly worth it, b/c they'll just tax it so it becomes the same as the local brand.
Competition, i just DON'T see the incentive here?? Yes, some, Economics, we're learning about it from Euro perspective, but its nothing like how it is in the States
You'll get sewed over SOMEthing if you don't improve and stay up to regulation-- mmm.. regulations thats something else...
One guy in one of my classes has said out of anywhere he could live, he'd choose America b/c he will see more reward, I was shocked, I was like, yeah, but no one else here says that.
well, maybe. Maybe they all only know how they've been raised.
This guy was born in S. America or was it the Middle East? I get so confused, definitely knows about 4-5 languages though; he has lived in Brasil (U.K. spelling), multiple countries in Europe, United States, and probably some others i'm missing..
and he's probably about 26/27 ?
But, he's not looking to live over here, maybe for a few years, but he told me he's going 'home' ;)
Competition, i just DON'T see the incentive here?? Yes, some, Economics, we're learning about it from Euro perspective, but its nothing like how it is in the States
You'll get sewed over SOMEthing if you don't improve and stay up to regulation-- mmm.. regulations thats something else...
One guy in one of my classes has said out of anywhere he could live, he'd choose America b/c he will see more reward, I was shocked, I was like, yeah, but no one else here says that.
well, maybe. Maybe they all only know how they've been raised.
This guy was born in S. America or was it the Middle East? I get so confused, definitely knows about 4-5 languages though; he has lived in Brasil (U.K. spelling), multiple countries in Europe, United States, and probably some others i'm missing..
and he's probably about 26/27 ?
But, he's not looking to live over here, maybe for a few years, but he told me he's going 'home' ;)
I am "Proud to Be an American"
:)
hehehe
After paying 5 euro for a box of cereal, which does not even include that there are:
1. FEW, FEW choices (way less competition)
2. "small" sizes (no need to supersize here, there's no space!)
3. Few sales (what? what is a sale?)
4. Taxes up the wazoo on my box, hence the 5 euro for ONE box-- that is nearly 7 US dollars!
even getting taxed at the cash register in the States WILL NOT cancel THAT out.
5. Did I mention this is for a box of plain jane cereal, nothing fancy like Quaker Cinnamon Toasted Oatmeal Squares which is $4.25 in the USA. This is simple Total cereal, probably 3 dollars in the States, maybe 4
6.. I'm sure there are more, but at this time in the morning 2 am, and regarding my one box of cereal, this is all i have got....
7. don't you worry, we have issues in the US of A but we also have incentive, incentive to lower prices, to work more, because we WILL see reward, here, you work your 35 hr/week and check the heck out, b/c why would there be anything more, and 6 week of holiday makes it hard to think of taking any less when there's no reason to (you arent gonna get paid).. noooo, why would you ever want to move to the States, they don't have 6 weeks of vacation!!?
Ohhh Europe <3 Land of the taxed and "provided for???" hmm...
hehehe
After paying 5 euro for a box of cereal, which does not even include that there are:
1. FEW, FEW choices (way less competition)
2. "small" sizes (no need to supersize here, there's no space!)
3. Few sales (what? what is a sale?)
4. Taxes up the wazoo on my box, hence the 5 euro for ONE box-- that is nearly 7 US dollars!
even getting taxed at the cash register in the States WILL NOT cancel THAT out.
5. Did I mention this is for a box of plain jane cereal, nothing fancy like Quaker Cinnamon Toasted Oatmeal Squares which is $4.25 in the USA. This is simple Total cereal, probably 3 dollars in the States, maybe 4
6.. I'm sure there are more, but at this time in the morning 2 am, and regarding my one box of cereal, this is all i have got....
7. don't you worry, we have issues in the US of A but we also have incentive, incentive to lower prices, to work more, because we WILL see reward, here, you work your 35 hr/week and check the heck out, b/c why would there be anything more, and 6 week of holiday makes it hard to think of taking any less when there's no reason to (you arent gonna get paid).. noooo, why would you ever want to move to the States, they don't have 6 weeks of vacation!!?
Ohhh Europe <3 Land of the taxed and "provided for???" hmm...
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Snuggles :}
:-D
I'm still feeling under the weather, but i mega appreciate your prayers...
i have yet to overcome the flu, but I did skip my internship and sleep lots which is always a nice thing, and a couple times when i'd wake up I'd roll back over smiling because I knew God was right there with me snuggling me <3
HOW adorable!! ;)
Hehehe
Ha It makes me laugh just thinking of it... I wouldnt trade that for the world... so thanks for prayers.
The time to feel lonely hasnt sunk in yet (as I have not been alone for too long), but on days like yesterday when I felt awful and exhaustion was there, and my day was ooooh so long and overwhelming and busy, (as Jon's normally are), to come back to (As Jon ALSO does) a home where you are left to your own to fix your meals (as Jon normally skips ;] ) and find entertainment (as Jon normally attempts), or in my case, do HOMEWORK ;{ blah, it is not a welcoming, warming feeling, (esp. after doing that for days upon days, try my brother's situation and do it for years upon years... talk about 'blah') :'(
So pray for me, but also pray for my hermano, he is probably having to pack up on his mission in Amsterdam, and while none of his conditions sounded very lovely from me describing it, he REALLY did love the type of work he was doing, and he knew he had an influence, although majorly overlooked and discouraged much of the time, he did have good days and loved conquering projects and getting things done that would make a difference, and ROCK at it HE DOES!!!
So anyway, thanks for the prayers.
I know God is with me, I always do, and in writing sad blogs, I am still ever present with God's joy--- thats why I write, thats why I am able to share, because I KNOW without a doubt that MY GOD is an EVERLASTING FAITHFUL LOVING OMNIPRESENT God who will never ever ever ever abandon me, I know and believe and feel that, but one reason for fellowship being something God asks of His followers is so that by fellowshipping, they may be reminded that God is a God of intimacy and relationship, and we are to be experiencing that on earth to remember WHO our God is.... so yes, He meets all our needs, but !!! He meets them through the resources we have been GIVEN by Him on earth! Surprise!!! :-D
That's why (my dear brothers come up in these blogs a lot.. goodness thats sad of me, ha, I love love love love love love my brothers and my heart breaks because I know that they hurt, and they NEED fellowship like I do), but I remember Curt and I talking about how far God seemed after he moved, and it was in a large way due to the fact that he had no friends in the are to connect to, when a person is not connecting to people, it is that much harder to be reinforced that GOD loves him. We can ONLY think in our earthly minds, while God can reveal His wisdom to us, we are yet to be stuck in FINITE, and He is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY bigger than that... so we must not be frustrated when our simple needs arise and we need to meet them. Ok, this is a lot of talking. me ranting hehe... but this is one spot I feel I CAN go deeply about my relationship... maybe that will change.. I have small areas of blurp, but they come at 'opportune' times and arent quite as easily available...
my dear friend Nikki, after I had just written that I wished someone cared when I cried, she called me on skype, and then wrote, when I missed her call, that she was just checking in on me and wished it werent midterms b/c she would definitely be over here taking care of me <3
i know I am loved, and I even thought of her, as part of my explanation (i wrote somethign like, but they all have their OWN midterms, yada yada... ) I know that counts in for a lot of it...
ok, im done , for now...
.-) <---- teeheehee Hermano Juan that's a pirate ;)
I'm still feeling under the weather, but i mega appreciate your prayers...
i have yet to overcome the flu, but I did skip my internship and sleep lots which is always a nice thing, and a couple times when i'd wake up I'd roll back over smiling because I knew God was right there with me snuggling me <3
HOW adorable!! ;)
Hehehe
Ha It makes me laugh just thinking of it... I wouldnt trade that for the world... so thanks for prayers.
The time to feel lonely hasnt sunk in yet (as I have not been alone for too long), but on days like yesterday when I felt awful and exhaustion was there, and my day was ooooh so long and overwhelming and busy, (as Jon's normally are), to come back to (As Jon ALSO does) a home where you are left to your own to fix your meals (as Jon normally skips ;] ) and find entertainment (as Jon normally attempts), or in my case, do HOMEWORK ;{ blah, it is not a welcoming, warming feeling, (esp. after doing that for days upon days, try my brother's situation and do it for years upon years... talk about 'blah') :'(
So pray for me, but also pray for my hermano, he is probably having to pack up on his mission in Amsterdam, and while none of his conditions sounded very lovely from me describing it, he REALLY did love the type of work he was doing, and he knew he had an influence, although majorly overlooked and discouraged much of the time, he did have good days and loved conquering projects and getting things done that would make a difference, and ROCK at it HE DOES!!!
So anyway, thanks for the prayers.
I know God is with me, I always do, and in writing sad blogs, I am still ever present with God's joy--- thats why I write, thats why I am able to share, because I KNOW without a doubt that MY GOD is an EVERLASTING FAITHFUL LOVING OMNIPRESENT God who will never ever ever ever abandon me, I know and believe and feel that, but one reason for fellowship being something God asks of His followers is so that by fellowshipping, they may be reminded that God is a God of intimacy and relationship, and we are to be experiencing that on earth to remember WHO our God is.... so yes, He meets all our needs, but !!! He meets them through the resources we have been GIVEN by Him on earth! Surprise!!! :-D
That's why (my dear brothers come up in these blogs a lot.. goodness thats sad of me, ha, I love love love love love love my brothers and my heart breaks because I know that they hurt, and they NEED fellowship like I do), but I remember Curt and I talking about how far God seemed after he moved, and it was in a large way due to the fact that he had no friends in the are to connect to, when a person is not connecting to people, it is that much harder to be reinforced that GOD loves him. We can ONLY think in our earthly minds, while God can reveal His wisdom to us, we are yet to be stuck in FINITE, and He is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY bigger than that... so we must not be frustrated when our simple needs arise and we need to meet them. Ok, this is a lot of talking. me ranting hehe... but this is one spot I feel I CAN go deeply about my relationship... maybe that will change.. I have small areas of blurp, but they come at 'opportune' times and arent quite as easily available...
my dear friend Nikki, after I had just written that I wished someone cared when I cried, she called me on skype, and then wrote, when I missed her call, that she was just checking in on me and wished it werent midterms b/c she would definitely be over here taking care of me <3
i know I am loved, and I even thought of her, as part of my explanation (i wrote somethign like, but they all have their OWN midterms, yada yada... ) I know that counts in for a lot of it...
ok, im done , for now...
.-) <---- teeheehee Hermano Juan that's a pirate ;)
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sick with Flu
Please continue to pray for me.. i do have the flu, im almost 100% positive... i think i'll go to sleep, its 7 pm here and i feel awful. i am going to miss my internship tomorrow but that means i'll have to start making up hours at some point.. i'm frustrated that i cant just let the hours go. i mean, that is to be expected, i just feel overwhelmed, achey, lonely, and sick so it seems all the worse.
I made toast (using a frying pan b/c we have no toaster oven) and bought some apple sauce a few days ago, so i ate both of those things.. i feel awful and all alone
Deandra (my long lost roommate) wrote me about 6/7 letters to read while over here, i was feeling soo lonely, sick and upset last night as i was studying for the midterm i had this morning, that i was about to crash and go to bed, was almost in tears, but didnt end up crying, then i opened the letter from Deandra titled for when i was homesick, and even thinking about it now, i cried then (bawled, more like it) and cry now.
I miss her, i miss any 'family' i have back home in/from Rockford, or in Amsterdam, or in Cincinnati, or in NY, or in minnesota.. i just miss being encouraged and loved and supported.. i miss having the naturalness of going deep spiritually... i feel soo alone, Austin tried to encourage me that i am never alone, that God is always with me, and that is true, and it is encouraging, and it does mean He will provide, but the basic human needs are for food and shelter, then for human contact, a person in isolation cannot survive. I feel as though I am isolated in some ways, I feel achey from this flu but it also sort of feels like the achey-ness comes from the heartache i see and feel around me. I dont have Beautiful friends who are there to be strength and encouraging reminders of who God is... yes, i see God in my surroundings, and where i am at.. i dont deny that, i dont even try to say that I can't grow as much in these surroundigns (if not more) than in the surroundings of having many Christians, but for me, a person who longs to be digging deep, growing intimately close with my friends, it is hard that a chunk of me doesnt get as easily touched, that others around me don't appreciate and see the values I do, and it's sad.
I'm sad for my surroundings, i'm sad for the world. i just want God to take me away for a while.. i just want to be better.. i dont want to keep going like this...
i'm overwhelmed, its midterms week.. i have an econ exam that im nervous for.. i should be fine, but im sooo achey and exhausted. i just want to come home for fall.
Krista wrote on facebook that she'd had a wonderful fall day of family home and Edwards.. i would do anything to have that day right now...
I hope Tricia's coming is even far greater than i ever could have dreamed for my homesickness, i cant wait, and i cant wait for my parents to come. i just want to be with my family. i really just want to be with you family.
...
its good to cry, its just so depressing to be all alone and have no one know or 'care' that you're crying... i know you at home care... but you don't see, you aren't here.. you can't hold me. i just want hugs and touch and love and to be known. i know that ppl here care, they feel bad, but they dont want to get sick, they have their own midterms, theres so much else on their minds...
this is the kind of time that all 'you' really want is your mom... ;'(
i hate that i just want to come home... i mean i know ive said 100 x how i knew this would be the case, but i feel it soo intensely, and i know, looking back, it will be, well i made it through and there were a lot of good times, but fresh yr at college was hard, it was a lot of tears and wanting to be known and deep and loved, and not finding it like i hoped... this is much like that experience...
im not saying im NOT privileged and blessed and enjoying parts and many many moments of this... but im just in want of human love and care...
to have an interim trip over here, traveling through x amt of countries, or even what you , mom and dad, did for the summer when you met, that keeps you busy, constantly lookign to the next thing, plus you had christians, but to be in the situation im in... its everyday life, and independence and alone-ness having to speak french (or smile and nod, as seems to be what i do) and lack of so much 'family' type friends... that its extremely hard..
i guess ill be done for now..
i (we) have a trip scheduled for budapest this fri-mon... whcih means i will not be getting much sleep, i will be go-go, and then come back and have to do a ton of hw before Tricia arrives the 27th of oct...
as i did for luxembourg and the other trip, i will probably take a while to update on cologne, but i do plan on doing that at some point...
goodbye for now, love cnp
I made toast (using a frying pan b/c we have no toaster oven) and bought some apple sauce a few days ago, so i ate both of those things.. i feel awful and all alone
Deandra (my long lost roommate) wrote me about 6/7 letters to read while over here, i was feeling soo lonely, sick and upset last night as i was studying for the midterm i had this morning, that i was about to crash and go to bed, was almost in tears, but didnt end up crying, then i opened the letter from Deandra titled for when i was homesick, and even thinking about it now, i cried then (bawled, more like it) and cry now.
I miss her, i miss any 'family' i have back home in/from Rockford, or in Amsterdam, or in Cincinnati, or in NY, or in minnesota.. i just miss being encouraged and loved and supported.. i miss having the naturalness of going deep spiritually... i feel soo alone, Austin tried to encourage me that i am never alone, that God is always with me, and that is true, and it is encouraging, and it does mean He will provide, but the basic human needs are for food and shelter, then for human contact, a person in isolation cannot survive. I feel as though I am isolated in some ways, I feel achey from this flu but it also sort of feels like the achey-ness comes from the heartache i see and feel around me. I dont have Beautiful friends who are there to be strength and encouraging reminders of who God is... yes, i see God in my surroundings, and where i am at.. i dont deny that, i dont even try to say that I can't grow as much in these surroundigns (if not more) than in the surroundings of having many Christians, but for me, a person who longs to be digging deep, growing intimately close with my friends, it is hard that a chunk of me doesnt get as easily touched, that others around me don't appreciate and see the values I do, and it's sad.
I'm sad for my surroundings, i'm sad for the world. i just want God to take me away for a while.. i just want to be better.. i dont want to keep going like this...
i'm overwhelmed, its midterms week.. i have an econ exam that im nervous for.. i should be fine, but im sooo achey and exhausted. i just want to come home for fall.
Krista wrote on facebook that she'd had a wonderful fall day of family home and Edwards.. i would do anything to have that day right now...
I hope Tricia's coming is even far greater than i ever could have dreamed for my homesickness, i cant wait, and i cant wait for my parents to come. i just want to be with my family. i really just want to be with you family.
...
its good to cry, its just so depressing to be all alone and have no one know or 'care' that you're crying... i know you at home care... but you don't see, you aren't here.. you can't hold me. i just want hugs and touch and love and to be known. i know that ppl here care, they feel bad, but they dont want to get sick, they have their own midterms, theres so much else on their minds...
this is the kind of time that all 'you' really want is your mom... ;'(
i hate that i just want to come home... i mean i know ive said 100 x how i knew this would be the case, but i feel it soo intensely, and i know, looking back, it will be, well i made it through and there were a lot of good times, but fresh yr at college was hard, it was a lot of tears and wanting to be known and deep and loved, and not finding it like i hoped... this is much like that experience...
im not saying im NOT privileged and blessed and enjoying parts and many many moments of this... but im just in want of human love and care...
to have an interim trip over here, traveling through x amt of countries, or even what you , mom and dad, did for the summer when you met, that keeps you busy, constantly lookign to the next thing, plus you had christians, but to be in the situation im in... its everyday life, and independence and alone-ness having to speak french (or smile and nod, as seems to be what i do) and lack of so much 'family' type friends... that its extremely hard..
i guess ill be done for now..
i (we) have a trip scheduled for budapest this fri-mon... whcih means i will not be getting much sleep, i will be go-go, and then come back and have to do a ton of hw before Tricia arrives the 27th of oct...
as i did for luxembourg and the other trip, i will probably take a while to update on cologne, but i do plan on doing that at some point...
goodbye for now, love cnp
Sunday, October 3, 2010
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