Kohn, Germany To be Continued

Ill try to write (while at internship) or sometime around then... I would love to fill you all in.. i had a great weekend. worn out, but recovering from my cold.

had a greeeatt night with the "roommates" (thanks for all the prayers-- i feel them and know God is working and moving) i'm not nearly as homesick, i feel mostly good here. i just need to focus down on studying and SLEEPING and i should survive!!
;)

love,
cnp

While I Was Without Internet

Watched some of “Sweet Home Alabama” as I ate dinner, it was nice. J I mixed red wine with my fish, a no-no in culinary, but it tasted good anyway. Finally felt like I had a filling dinner. Think the fish I bought might have been catfish, but it was very mild and just had a few wispy bones in it. I also boiled a pan with fresh broccoli and had a little bit of the leftover soup from last night. The olive oil leftover from the fish tasted good with my broccoli J

Dad, we should watch this movie again sometime too!

Saw the line with the grandpa being asked about Melanie getting married, and him replying, “Never hearrrrd of herr” as he shakes his head and it reminds me of my little Abigail Carlson when we used to recite that line…. Then I watched the scene in Sweet Home where Melanie is in the graveyard saying goodbye to her dog that she missed saying goodbye to.

Jake still loves her, and that was the romantic part that always got me in this movie, they are sitting looking at the lightning bugs and he has to move away b/c he still loves her <3 sappy emotional haha.. so romantic. He believes in her, he says, he’s proud of her. And he wishes her well at her next marriage. But then when she says she can’t do it, he pulls her back and says he knows, and then she moves in to kiss him. They kiss for a minute, and he pushes her away… the long held passion gets me every time . haha. Darcy was right when she said I’m a passionate person, and she knew it right away being around me, how does that come out? How do people know that?  Ha, I mean I am, but I didn’t think it were that evident. <3 haha, Aunt Debbe, is this the kind of romance a romantic heart would like?? (Maybe you need to have seen the movie) ;)

I love this movie…  “Do we know, Moe?”  awww they love each other… ha the ending on the beach is cute, and then the cop who shows up and their responses are lame… but I love the beach scene in the rain and I recognize its cliché but they don’t act it out as lame cheesy as it could be… and they pull it off being completely romantic <3 mmmm… love it =)

But slow dancing to sweet home Alabama?? I don’t think that works… hehe

Ok, my thoughts on sweet home Alabama… cute I remember this one in the van coming home from football games. ;)  

Think im going over to Darcy’s again tonight, but I think she’s legit having ppl over for games, and I gotta do hw, so I’m deciding whether I should do hw here first, then go over to finish it, or what? … Kirstin has the same hw I do, (she’s over there) so perhaps I do it with her too/avoid the ppl and games.

Wow, ok, so I was sitting in our kitchen, not motivated to do homework all by myself, unsure of what to do next, and then, Julia came in. She and talked about what plans were, lack of internet, etc. and processed externally what I needed/should do. Then I decided (after I had talked outloud—processed externally-haha makes me think of Krista everytime, as she ALWAYS teases me about that haha ) I love you Krista… anyway, after processing, I realized I should read my assignment due tomomrrow morning with the group BEFORE going over to Darcys and once done I would go out to the atm, and walk with my weights, and then come back up here, should pack (I just realized) and then go over to darcy’s for econ, use my computer over there for econ, then come back, shower/bath, and sleep! b/c tomorrow’s going to be crazy.. goodness didn’t realize all these details…. I’m such an external processor, I can’t help that though, its just better to identify and then get better at turning to the right source. I feel so much mor eproductive talking to someone, haha now, this, reminds me of you Dad, and how you said I’d be a “difficult” wife some day because I would expect to talk a lot hahahaha, aw papa. Ha, Mom, and Dad, I remember calling home fresh yr just to process externally and then hang up… geesh, you got stuck with quite the external person, you poor introverts ;) I love you.

Ok, back to work, but my point of writing this was the striking energy/difference I felt while Julia was in the kitchen preparing her dinner, I felt motivated and energy to work (we weren’t even talking at that point) and I was working hard, and focusing, but then, she left and I instantly felt the energy run away. I got distracted and lost my focus. I am not internally motivated, I need external… reminds me of all the friends I dragged to do homework with me ;) Ha, I think of Austin because I remember him thinking it was funny how I tried to do everything together, but I just do so much better WITH people, just the problem was Austin and I would laugh too much ;)

Hehe Oh, last year was fun. I think of Emily and Jenn (and sometimes Theresa or Sonja) in my room doing homework with me… man, those were good times. I enjoyed those friendships so much, and they were sooooo what I had prayed and longed for. How wonderful! Nami and I did homework at times too—but we were not as often, we were more hug before bed and catch up on the hard times type friends. I love my Bethel family. The number may be small, but you all are wonderful (D, you are not forgotten, I loved living with you, too, even though you and I wouldn’t sleep much either!) ha. Ok, done. Back to work… love, your little extrovert cnp <3

at Darcy and Rebecca and Kirstin's , have to do my econ homework..

haha Not so Brief (on my last blog)

Smokey Puh.. (and Travel Adventures)

Brief...

but going to Cologne (Kohn) tomorrow as soon as I get out of class--- going with just Nikki (perhaps Caitlin) but not planned with her... and we're going to go on a Rhine River boat ride, and go to a local brewery for the local beer... going to pick up groceries so we dont spend as much on food... going to a spa for 2 hours , going to walk along the Rhine, and coming home Saturday night. We're taking the train. It should be really nice...

I was using the internet at school, as I have been disconnected from the outside world, except for my internship Tuesday, and last night at darcy's for a couple hours... I have internet access at school, but feel sick from standing around too much smoke w/smoking ppl and going to go home and maybe go for a jog, then eat my dinner adn go to Darcy's after a bath and be able to do hw and use computer...

trying to update on travels since those are the parts i've skipped the most

luxembourg was fun 2 or 3 weeks ago?? or whenever that was-- we left saturday morning and returned saturday night and had 3 hour train rides there and back with very few ppl on the trians, so i was able to sleep a ton in a seat by myself, i could spread out... brought hw and didnt end up doing any of it, but we walked around a ton, saw the city, it was beautiful with a bunch of hills, and valley with water, different than good ol flat belgium, and we got gelato (i got it 2 x in one day ;] ) and ate a picnic dinner of bread, cheese, tuna salad, tomatoes, apple, etc. at a park we'd walked around in during the day. tehre was a pretty garden with flags of luxembourg, and not very happening town until we walked more into the center, there was a castle, the royal palace, etc. but nothing toooo hugely monumental, but super relaxing/fun, and the center had aton of cafes with lots of ppl whcih was veyr entertaining and exciting, very european feel and we definitely walked around that little city enough times to see it a couple times...it was fun, and just 5 of us went, darcy, rebeccca, darcy's bf , my housemate, dan, and corey (dan's friend from rutgers) .. that was a perfect nubmer/perfect group... noticed dan's sort of critical -ness and complaining, that was hard, and rebecca and i talked a lot.. fun to get to know her more.. seh's definitely a go go go dont stop and she said her bf at home is much like that.. it was fun to be walking go go with her, but hard too, there was a sweet little park before we went for food at night, and it was filled with beautiufl flowers, statues, and a pretty fountain, and i thought, wow, this would be a nice spot to just sit and enjoy creation, just be in the moment, bu twe didnt really have the opprotunity, whatever, it was sweet, i thought if Austin would have been there (as rebecca and i were comparing guy stories, she said Jeff is go go like her, and they'd be non stop, not wanting to miss anything) i could understand some of that, but at the same time, by rushing to the next thing TOO much, you dont have a chance to enjoy what is currently now... so, i thought, well, Austin and i could be that way, but we enjoy so much more enjoying what is around us... like sitting in that park for half an hour, and perhaps missing an extra walk past (this old ppl's home that we thoguth was a castle lol) it turned out to be a retirement home haha.. funny to see all these old ppl in wheelcharis and walkers when we thought we were approaching a castle hehe... no offense ;)
but it was fun, us girls had a good time too, b/c we walked into acouple cathedrals, and one of whcih was about to get ready for a wedding-- so romantic, and we were excited, rebecca is sort of a more stoic persoanlity and SHE was even excited which i did not expect, so we enjoyed talking about how all little girls love weddings, funny cuz our chaperone boys thoguth we were ridiculous and annoying...  ha we were walking some more and found a lookout point, which was beautiful, with a lovely church below, and trees in a canopy like setting and a bride nestled between the brnaches, it was right along the water, and just beautiful temperature and day... we all talked about how lovely and perfect... it was fun...
us girls talked about the girls we would have in our weddings someday, and compared what were things we cared about,, darcy had every detail figured out, which did not surprise me, and rebecca had her best friend and (sister, it hink) picked out, but all she knew was that she wanted to look beautiful , she did not even use the word beautiful, she said, she wanted to look good, and pretty, but i hope she knows, she IS beautiful, and of course would look it and BE it... but anyway, that was fun to talk of... and hear these girls' hearts.. bc however judgmental i guess i just thought that marriage was not something idealized, and i guess it is through out america not just in private, liberal arts colleges... ha , gotta love it right?
so, anyway, i asked, why do you think all girls like weddings, and they responded, well, i think its that its like the happy ending to the fairytale, and i was so shocked to hear that, b/c to me, it sseemed that wihtout any hope (as rebecca in past conversations has mentioned she'll be the gma who's been married 40 years and still saying that "he could leave anyday"... in those kidns of attitudes and frailty of commitment and lasting relationships... how could it be idealized?  but yet it still is... I just take that as SUCH a meaning of HOPE!! God can reach these hearts, b/c He can speak through me, through ANYONE who is willing to share about the amazing joy and change He can make, but this leavse me to compare christians to normal joes in the marriage/divorce statistic.. and it doesnt help me prove my point that God can change.... thats pitiful and sad... Lord, change the hearts of Christians, help them to fight, and not give in,give up, move on... Lord, give perserverance, and radical love. RADICAL love... ugh, the partner coudl be the enemy, God, change the hearts of the partner who is acting as though he/she is the enemy... Man, what a depraved world, and Christian world... theres not much to say, .... i mean it is reality... it is what is current ... ok, anyway, it was fun to see this wedding, the happy couple greeting everyone (and we talked about how exhausted the 2 must be, how excited, but exhausted... and it just made the wedding seem that much more empty if God were not a part of it... i mean, how much more of a whole there is... those two have to face all of their challenges thinking they're fighting "alone" or with the help of family, etc... but STILL, to me, a FAITH in GOD and a RELATIONSHIP so intimately close... I want nothing other than to have God be the One I'm getting closer to... yes, someday someone, but He is the One I love the most... Hmm... weddings... still fun and dreamy and romantic and joyous AND a bit bittersweet, but beautiful none the less... anyway, Papa Pack, no worries, i'm not planning any eloping ;) haha as you always said to do, i would never dream it .. i love you Daddy. You will always be my first <3    I love you!!!

the next day (weeks ago) we went to gent, and that was an idyllic castle, quaint town, it was cloudy to begin, which fit the castle setting, and it was intense seeing the castle, with its torture chambers and explanations for how torture was done.. gross! and we then waited for our walking tour guide and walked around noticing the different things (like cured ham) .. interesting how nothing is done to it, but it is ok to eat, they also told us how the place we were in was made by monks with wood that had been salted and soaked, so it did not collect spider webs-- how interesting! we walked around some, had a break for lunch at some point, and found a little spot, for 4 euros got a huge bowl of soup with a nectarine and 2 little pieces of bread-- it was fantastic i got pumpkin soup and it was fun too.. sat outside and the girl who helped us was nice... saw pretty flowers and they have a sweet little canal that goes through the city, then ened up going on the canal on a boat ride, and that was enjoyable, but we had a tour guide that we couldnt understand, nor hear, so missed out on that part of the boat ride, i rested, most otehrs did as well.. the sun was out for that part which was absolutely wonderful...

amsterdam was absolutely wonderful last weekend .. i met jon's friends, and got there friday night aroudn 8 , he had pizza ready, i loved lvoed loved that the ppl volunteered english to me befoer i even asked... .. i think i might have written that.. had to switch trains so was later than usual, stood in the train station in brussels waiting for 40 minutes to buy a ticket, so deifnitely missed the train i had treid for an hour earlier than when i actually took off, but it all worked out, i enede up being able to go outside and walk around Brussels center and get a phone credit card from a mobistar guy who filled it up right away for me--- soo wonderful, what a blessing and founda great street with lots of activity for a friday night and ppl out and aobut everywehre, warm weather, sun shining, it was beautiful, saw some statues i hadnt been by before and fountains, and enjoyed my free time, thenalmost almost bought a Magnum ice cream bar (for those of you who can appreciate ;] ) and for those who cant, Tim Ramgren my old youth pastor introduced us i think, on a youth group mission trip my going into? fresh yr of high school (mexico, juarez) and loved them, then in high school when we came to france and spain we enjoyed them some more, as i was with Krista and ATP ;) and Liz who had also gone on the trip with Ramgren. It was fun to have them there, and then when I went back to Cancun with Emily this last spring I got one there with her Grandma and that was great (Abuelita), I forget if Em is a part of this blog emailing, but if she is, or if she is not, someone in Minnesota, will you tell her hello and hug her and send my love to Abuelito y Abuelita ;) Gracias ;)
Anywho, didnt actually get one, but they have these new magnum creations which aare doubly coated and doubly rich that i plan on getting before i come home. Parents, you have no idea how happy and encouraging it is tha tyou're coming, and how romantic, you've been married 40 years and met here in Europe-- i lvoe it.

you have no idea...

I love you both.

Anywho, got to Jon, was sooooo sooo soooo ohappy to hug him. I needed that SOOOO badly and then we sat and ate our pizzas, very yummy, fun and enjoyed talking, comparing horror stories and joyous stories from our weeks (we'd both had ahard weeks) and it was absolutely WONDERFUL.. that right there made the whole trip worth it... but it only got better
soo we got  home, cant remember what we did that night... maybe went to sleep at some point, the next day, slept in late late and enjoyed doing that, then thougth about a big day and decided against it, so took 2 bikes (one of which he'd just gotten for FREE from a man who redoes bikes and he called up Jon to ask if there'd be any use for2 mountain bikes, as he is never able to sell them over in europe) and jon said he had room for one, so he took it and we used it,Jon fixed my gears so that it worked SO much better going up hill, as it had been tooo loose and i needed it harder, so hebent a couple things and made it wonderful, we biked for 1 hr and half maybe? and then went to a place he'd been wanting to try for a long long time that had burgers, he got a big cheeseburger special and i got a chiken burger, he wasnt thrilled.. i enjoyed mine though, and i got a bacardi blossom, he got a long island ice tea (as the last time we ate at hard rock cafe we both had long islands) but his was almost compltete alcohol --pretty gross and mine was strong, but with a litle squirt of orange it was mostly drinkable... didnt even feel much whcih was strange for how much alcohol but it was fun to go out, and try someplace he'd been really really wnating to try fo ramerican burger, he didnt like his much for the price he paid, so too bad, bu ti lvoed my sandwich as i feel its hard to make msyelf a full rounded great meal, but that was fun, biked back (ohhh found a winter coat before going to eat, and also some really cheap jewlery but didnt make it back there before it closed--bummer-- but oh well,, and the coat is great! i'll definitely need something warmer, as i keep buying things over here haha but its getting colder and colder than i expected.. so sweden and here are needing something ehavy duty--- ncie i found a great deal 39.95 euros and talked to 2 girls who were also looking at thhe coat, Jon doesnt quite have the "dad" expertise on giving advice to a woman on coat shopping haha so i thought i'd ask someone else for their opinoin and let him be free... the girls said, the price was great, i was righ tin saying it fit a little bit funny, but overall i think its fab and great great price... so i'm very happy.. glad i got it.. and it was fun to talk to them i thanked them many times over for tlaking to me in englihs.. they were sweet and it was fun to make some new "friends" us americans use that word so easily but i dooo feel that way... so i'm not stopping
ha
teh clerk was very helpful to me too and told me it looked good on me as i had been trying it on a couple times and comparing it with another coat, so that was also very nice (in english) and i appreciated and thanked her and encouarged her english skills as well (she told me they werent very good--- i was soooo grateful she was willing to try !!) gosh i love love love Holland compared to Belgium

they are willing and ABLE to speak english... man, that makes suuuuch a difference.. these nasty french.. grrrr!
on our way home from the dinner restaurant we ran into Nadia, another one of Jon's friends, so she biked home with us.. that was great, and we had fun, we picked up Jason cat from teh schoool (as he gets his days outside there) and we walked home, that was nice, i could have walked around some more that night and gone to get ice cream, but it was good, and jon and i watched the previous bears game ! :D and watched the movie "abandoned" that was good too!! it was super fun i loved it loved it

we had wonderful relaxing, chill, but super fun times, goodness i lvoed it i love my big brother!!! and the big brother who was not there :'(

nice to be with family for the weekend, went to church the next day and that was very nice, great applications (i thought) jon never thinks so, but i remember it taling about being a "missionary" more or less in your world God has called you to.. and i thought this couldnt be more perfect, to find contenetment and be used--- so here i am God,... that was fun good
and we went to church/biked and bumped into Laura who is also from teh states, she and jon and i bike,d had fun doing that, and talked, caught up.. laura's a wheaton grad as well so they have that connection and then shoot cant remember her name, but dark hair, french mother, american father, wheaton grad, went on a date with dutch guy, well anway, she was there with us biking home, and met a few others at the coffee/reception time, like cute little sweet Olga from teh Ukraine. she's soo adorable, huggy, precious giggly...
and anyway, laura and martina? and i went to a dutch place in the "bos" the forest/park that Jon and i had biked through the day before.. and seen a bunch a bunch of homosexual couples-- so internesting so normal... anywho, we liked it i got a savory pancake , thin pancake but heavy ingredients and had bacon and cheese inside and stroop (strope) on top ... it is like a molasses syrup-y thing... it was very yummy and flling .. glad we got to go out b/c i knew i wanted and needed food... Jon too...
so that was nice to be with teh girls, we talked culture, christians, violence being bad over here, versus sex/nudity being bad over in the states, but my comparison is tha tviolence cannot exactly be put on a billboard that ppl cant turn away from, nudity can, so in my , "my worldview seems slightly less overt" way, i thought STILL nudity is different, but i dont know, its true statues on old famous buildings are all nude, so who the heck knows....
anyway, great weekend, Jon got news that his church Blanchard at home wont be able to support him so that was hard to hear, and means Jon's probably got to come to the States for good... that'll be hard... but anyway, that is something I ask you to prayer for as well-- where he goes, what he should do, the ppl there at the moment... etc.

Rough times, but Jon and i went fora wlak before i left, which was very nice, picked berries (as he loves to do) and had the last of the season perhaps, and then he took me to schipol airport to take the trian, he helped me right on, and i almost cried saying goodbye to him.. it was sooo nice to be with family and my brother and spend time together, i wish i could have him here for a little.. makes me that much more grateful Tricia is coming, and my parents.. .God has provided SOOOOO much for me, I am SOOOO thankful. God YOU ARE GOOD!!!!!!!

ok, the end.

Under the Weather

Here's my downer thoughts I wrote to no one in particular on a Word document, as I had no internet the last two days. I will not have any until Friday, and by that time, Nikki and I will be headed to Cologne for a night, and then back saturday night. It should be nice, adn we are going to a hot spring, so that should be HEAVENLY for my muscles--- theres a hot spring visit planned for Budapest too (and if i'm not mistaken, i think Bethel does that in Ecuador as well? )  :-D
My muscles are soooo incredibly tight, I’m exhausted. I’m sick. I caught Martina’s cold. I have such a sore throat, very little food, I need to go to the grocery, (whcih i did, and i walked in the warm weather which was heavenly)...
 I need to do homework, (which i am over at Darcy and Rebecca [and Kirstin's] to do AND use their internet-- hallelujah!!) but all these things are soo much, I need sleep and I have no internet to communicate. It is hard. I don’t like it. I want to communicate. (so i used Word, walked to grocery, ate dinner, hung out with Martina---she's a complete blessing wish she were here til i leave but she leaves the middle of next month, i think).   I considered Italy--little did I know, they don't speak very much English at all--they are very kind and hospitable though, and I love Martina , so who knows... (living in Italy I'm referrign to... ha) Maybe Holland, or the UK or some other largely english speaking countries would be better. I can't take this French superiority nonsense though.

I love you all at home, and I just want to coem home. PRAY for me, PRAY I have a complete change of heart. I know God is not done with me, and there is much growth to be done in me. i'm excited, but this a bit of the current heartache. I love not being overwhelmed with constantly having to host ppl/be with ppl, but there is a lack of being around ppl that causes strain and stress in me. Not sure what all this "blog" entails... but here it is:

I have decided that Tram rides can be soooo oppressive and depressing to me, that instead of allowing it to have room, I have started to wonder how others deal with it, and headphones are in many peoples’ ears. I was thinking that might help, but romantic sappy music might just make me feel bad as well.  So, I thought of Christian music, but as the whole world might know, maybe not, but it starts to all sound the same, it is sort of a hard thing to turn on. I don’t know. I’m just at that spot right now, so forgive me. BUT, I thought, I need truth being spoken to me, and I have no books of the Bible on my ipod, but I do have John Ortberg, and he includes some truth within his writings, so maybe that would be uplifting, then I decided that would definitely be uplifting and that is what I will do from now on. The only prayer request is that this means I don’t lose my ipod (i.e. someone steal it). But I pray that is not the case. I need prayer for this sickness.
I feel nauseas, sore/sharp throat, nose draining, muscles aching throbbing and making me feel even more nauseas. It’s not good… :-/

Have a trip planned for Cologne (Kohn) on Friday, not sure but I hope Nikki is looking into the bus, its about half the rpice of the train, and in this case, it would mean we wouldn’t have to show up ultra early to the train station to buy our tickets, she would be able to get them online.

I need to withdraw more money to give Darcy the money for Budapest. I hate that I got sick, but it makes sense. Martina has been sick all over the place, and I have not been sleeping much. I just hate it. I hope this changes me.

People always tell me, just start going to bed earlier, force yourself. But they don’t see or understand that I feel poorly when I’m already “behind” I hate being behind. I love being ahead. I think my whole family might be this way, and probably many others in the world, but if I’m already behind, lets say hw, which is true in my readings, well kind of. But anyway, if I’m behind, then I feel even worse about catching up and almost DON’T do it because I’m procrastinating “facing” the feelings of being behind, pressured, stressed, anxious, and needing to get things done. SO, I distract myself doing anything else but this homework that needs to be done. Homework and sleep, I don’t know what else, but they both follow this pattern. It’s very frustrating, I need to face that and just do it.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Lunch Surprise :)

I made a cheese sandwich this morning (with my dijon mustard --little bit of "kick") and my wheat bread and the lt. gouda cheese i have.

Then at internship I sprinkled oregano on it and sprayed a little olive oil on one slice of bread-- it was absolutely delicoius :-D

Yesterday I used a can of tuna fish and drizzled a little olive oil and put oregano and onion on it, and that was also delicious-- i love trying and BEING successful at things. It makes my WHOLE day good-- last night when I was cooking I was soo happy b/c i had been successful and enjoyed the food I'd tried and was enjoying making the dinner and using the ingredients I had. I used up my chicken (so that I would have leftovers for today and tomorrow) and put fresh onions, mushrooms, and carrots in it with olive oil in the bottom (with sprinkled onion and ground pepper) and then added some more of those seasonings along with ginger and red wine vinegar... it was very good. I ate my dinner last night over lettuce (to use up) and put a little of that non fat sour cream on it. It was de-lish.

:-D So proud and feel soo accomplished when I can make healthful and GOOD food. Even though I was tired, it was very nice, and I didnt starve before I ate lunch. Man, I love good food.

I get to run an errand today, taking a packet to an office down the road. That's exciting! ;] Get to go out in the sun. and fresh air!

Sorry so many posts-- haha I'm making up for lost time ;)

P.S. (Ecuador blog)

I just looked at what I wrote to "Mama" and I wrote (such as comparing 2 cent difference in prices....). To clarify it SHOULD have been:  "such as MAKING BIGGER DECISIONS THAN comparing 2 cent difference in prices...."

good clarification I think ;)

Distraction Number 2: Ecuador/Galapagos Islands

http://www.lonelyplanet.com/ecuador

Wow, please. 


WoW.


How would I not be excited to get through this semester and to the next thing.

I MUST focus on the now. I must enjoy it. I just don't love working-- ha-- as Jon said when I visited Tyndale, he does not see me in an office job sitting in front of a computer non-socially. I have to be busy. I can't stand this kind of work, I need movement and action. Let's go change the world, not sit behind a computer and write.

hehe eek...


But Ecuador--- ohhh my heart throbs... they say that January is a great beach time. I cannot cannot wait. WOW! I had totally forgotten about that trip- but NOW, I just have sooo much to look forward to. God has given me bountiful blessing after blessing. I must count them and be grateful, even IF I am not totally thrilled with my current situation, hopefully it teaches me patience, contentment, and to REST. Hmm... definitely things I should learn. :) 

It's hard to be "missing" things.. such is the reason I do not sleep very often, I hate to miss things. I must learn that God has me in a specific place for a reason, and if He has put me there, He must know what I need and where I am to be, and I should shut up about "missing," I am such a difficult person. Good grief. I would trade anything for a simple mind.

Haha, Mama, I miss talking to you soooo much. I wish we could talk on the phone!! I think of how you told me when you were my age you used to think about soo many things, but then realized your time would be spent much better doing other things (such as making bigger decisions than comparing 2 cents difference in price for a can of tuna at 2 different grocery stores). I appreciate your wisdom soo much, and your listening ear to my many, many thoughts and concerns. I love you and I just wish I could be at home with you to stay up late and talk and laugh and go grocery shopping ;)
It would be wonderful to go to the apple orchard with you all in 2 weeks... thats also disappointing, I guess I just said I should be grateful for where I am, but how I function is to acknowledge the other, then move onto the next--- so it is amazing that I have a chance to go to Cologne this weekend (I'm just tired, so the "known" and "comfortable" sound so much more appealing). ha. Tiredness is my enemy but i do it to myself.

Must learn.

Thoughts of what Bethel will be like directed my mind towards internship... I wonder if I do go up North before Ecuador, if I should try to schedule some internship interviews, and how I should bring stuff up there, if we move some stuff into a supposed dorm room I'm going to have.

Sorry thoughts that many of you dont need to know, this is becoming a somewhat to do list for me and my family... thoughts and to do's in the future... goodness life is busy.

Thinking of Abby and her new married life-- how strange that must be too! Hope you're doing well Lovely!! It is so fun to remember your special day by looking at all the pictures on Facebook-- i love it. (to myself: i have to remember to unload my camera onto computer--it didnt work last time).

Ok, I'm sure there will be more thoughts flowing later today. I should set a limit/goal, once I get done with reading these other articles on Foursquare and tie into MY article how journalists will find Foursquare to their advantage, I will be able to do something of my own choice ;)

Love to all,
carolyn

One Month Down, Three to Go

I started to write, and thought about writing several times. I may update later today (as I am at my internship and seem to have opportunity to distract myself, but I wanted to say a couple words, because I feel bad not documenting).

I feel that I've had a great month, and I'm ready to come home haha. I knew all these things would happen, I mean I know myself well enough to know that I would struggle with culture, struggle with lack of Christians, struggle with exhaustion and values and belief, struggle with exercise, food, etc.

But things are always more intense once you are ACTUALLY going through them. I'm still grateful to be here, I know God has a purpose for me here in sooo many ways and He's growing me adn challenging me in many, many ways. I love that I may and will be made more like Him, but I'm tired.

I'm very tired. and it would be nice to come home and sleep. I'm ready ;)

ha.

Counting down the days til you come Tricia, (5 weeks?) and I'm able to distract myself. I will be so busy in the upcoming weeks, it will be hard, but good. I just have less motivation getting homework done because I'm so exhausted by the end of the day and there is no where to do my homework but in my small (everything in one) bedroom. I would love to be able to do homework during the day. The morning/afternoon is most productive for me because I feel accomplished when I can get things done BEFORE people start asking to do things, but when I havent had many days of being able to do nothing, (none really), I start to not be as productive if I were given the daytime. So far thats not even something to worry about, because I don't see ANY real free time in my upcoming future, but I pray and ask you to pray that I sleep more.

It would improve soo many areas of my life.

Amazing that I'm over here, amazing that I'm able to travel. It just stinks that I'm already burnt out. Gotta put some more gas in the engine ;)

Love,
cnp

Culture shock?

I may be slightly depressed.. 

and definitely anxious. 

the world turned soo hectic and so quickly. Every area of my life this week got 10 x more stressful. 

It was like one night shifted to a week of getting up only to find things not working, not feeling well, being overwhelmed. and I know this is spiritual, 

but I feel so buried, I'm not sure how to come on top. 

This is probably what my brother(s) write about, and I'm sorry for it for them. I'm sorry that we all get trapped under these heavy rocks. Everyone does. I'm sorry for that. 

I write this to ask for prayer, and to update you (as you may, or may not, have noticed, I havent been writing everyday, and never did write about my weekend that was so fun to Luxembourg and Gent. But, know that it was great. I had a good time with friends and trying different things, seeing different places. There was good food, and good conversations. Good reflections, and good friends and times to catch up. I took lots of pictures, and was happy for it all. 

God provided today when I was starting to feel super anxious, overwhelmed, and as though I would never make it through in Econ, I talked to a couple girls and said, do you know what "x" is? and they wre like no, i said, "oh good; i felt like i was the only one" they told were lost everyday. 

I remember in chapel one time, it being discussed that one of the devil's biggest lives is to make people feel they are all alone in something. 

I miss having Christians to go deep with. 

I love the friends here. I love getting to see other backgrounds and people. I love spending time with them, I just wish I had someone to also reflect on culture with and discuss positives/negatives... 

tonight, I walked home talking to Darcy about a billboard (or 2) which have been displayed very publicly in train stops (big posters) ... the most recent one from a couple days ago is of a woman with everything on one side of her exposed, except for a thin purse strap covering her nipple--- sorry to be graphic--- but think of living here. 

its so interesting, b/c to me, this gets into a whole slew of issues-- i think of all the men in my life, brothers, Austin, Dad, and all the men in everyone else's lives, and I think, is everything so numb? 

I mean, so DArcy and I talked aobut how sex is sooo blown up in the USA, by that i think she meant, ppl encourage sleeping around etc etc, (not exactly sure what she means... but i think i got the drift) and she said how she wants to sleep with only one person (who at the moment happens to be her bf she intends to marry...) 

but, point is, she also felt that this billboard was too riskay, 

the billboard seemed so overt in selling whatever it was selling to humans... i mean, in ads in a magazine ok, you can flip through, there is not much to do but notice thing billboard at every corner... there are also billboards of 4 women (of various races) with very slim, tall, lanky bodies who EACH have their hands raising their shirts up in provocative wyas.. i just thought of how much this has polluted my mind in a week , how much its subtle message about what is beautiful, what is sexy, what I am NOT, is presented... and I am frustrated by this. Europeans may be very accepting to nudity, etc. but my rebuttal to this is where did the secrecy, mystery, wonder and curiousity go? i mean even if its in a secular way, and humans are drawn to sex, nudity, etc. still, isnt there some decency in thinking that this be more personalized and intimate?  

this seem sooo raw, unoriginal, public, inauthentic, idealized... 

what woman would ever compare to a billboard that has been posted all throughout brussels and also photoshopped, digitized by a staff of 10 working on making it look just right... 

im discouraged a lot by this.. it may be a huge part of my discouragement.. 

i feel so distant .. so distant from sanity.. from encouragement... from Christ...

no matter who you run into , they seem to be smoking, the girls always seem to be appearing as though they have never had more than a piece of celery for breakfast, lunch and dinner, ha ok exaggeration, but its everywehre, Europe has been sooo idealized in America, at least to some, about their advancements socially, etc. but what happened to all the Christians taht "were" here ? Where did God go in this society? Is He even over here? How and where can I find Him??

;'( 

Ha, I've brought up the billboard to a couple friends, and wonder if the art/statues tie right into the "commonality" of nudity-- they've both brought up that its just normal here, but I dont know if i WANT it to be normal... i think its Beautiful being hidden and secret and treasured and not made like any other flower on the street.. maybe thats just the way it is... and I will never understand b/c its my own worldview... I can appreciate this worldview-- i mean i can get it.. im just lost in whre and how God sees it? Does He want a woman's breast to be as common as a cat on a kitty litter ad? 

I dont know.. thts where I'm left.

Ha, I knew when I even suggested coming abroad--- these would be the kind of mental debates I'd be having... 

boy does it stress me out and cause stress on allllllll other things in my life... 

eesh. 

I'm sorry to all who run into me.

Love and pray for me.. 

cnp

Warning: Politics

Ok, so my thoughts are somewhat scattered. I have just gotten back from lunch with a couple coworkers, one of which being the guy i wrote about for my "sabrina meets harrison ford" post... but nayway,
we talked about the media, usa and their interpretations from the media, the different politicians out there.. the primaries coming up. what thigns the public in the usa likes to foucs on(as we were talking about the quran burning man in florida)--if its values or facts.. and i said that many times the values are based on little things like, what the president  ate for lunch or minor stories in florida... but it is things that can be blown up by the meida and where they KNOW they will get ppl to watch and listen.. i remember learning fresh yr of college that blood and guts sell-- so write/produce/make a big deal out of these things b/c it will get a result... so many other things were mentioned as well...

but, ohh, well.. i dont know what to write b/c this is such a heated topic for sooo many people...


:(

i just want understanding and patience and openness and own personal biases to be respected but also challenged in agreeable upright, caring, and the best ways...

i know i come from a conservative background, and i undrestand that republicans are NOT necessarily conservative.
i appreciate that . i understand that.

but,

an italian woman, martina asked about who was most likely to be the next repub candidate... john mentioned sarah palin (and then mitt romney) but with sarah palin, he said she has no record, sure, thats fine. i wont argue outright... great. ok next. he said she's popular perahps bc many american men find her attractive, for her age, her decisiveness, etc. , he metnioned her hypocrisy in her own state for ethics on employment (regarding her husband) ok, i dont know any of these things.. so sure, ill say "ok" but then, if i really have time or care, i'll go look that up. ok great.

i wont argue, b/c i have nothing to argue against... just some little hestitatoins on hmm.. i should find out for msyelf what this chick is all about.. (same with any candidate) ... dont trust right away, TEST and APPROVE what is good.... ok. great.

next, we talk about mitt romney -- whatever his name is...
maryland? john mentioned how he had no record, muslim, whatever...
ok, hmm.. two repubs with no records...

ok, my memory instantly recalled obama, but it didnt go there b/c it didnt want to connect and defend, it wanted to smooth things out between my background and his/hers... soo here i am, ok. these two dont have backgrounds, ok, thats bad...
but....


did obama have much of a background??
no.
as a matter of fact, he didnt. that is fine, as i know many of my friends and family (you reading this blog, voted for him, ok. that is fine, your decision, i'm not stopping you, anything i write is not to stop you, its to bring up my frustration with the way things are unfairly viewed in my opinion... you may argue me all you want, i dont want to fight about this.. i just want awareness to be drawn. this happens on both sides... but since media favors obama (at least until some tension arose) and europe LOVES obama-- anytime i say im from chicago -- they ALLLLLL say, yay!! obama!! and i'm just like, yeah, you're right he is from chicago... its in the fact that HE is seen as the hero...

ok, bush screwed up
so will (or has--depending on your opinions) obama

but that is never seen by the public (at least over here.. or if it is.. it's easily glossed over..) and i give it to you, the media on the right, will give you the tiny critiques, im not saying they are right either, i mean i remember them picking on obama for giving an ipod to the Queen of England and not using the right ettiquette.... sure, ok minor dumb details, that dont need to be brought up (depending on your view-- i can justify it but then again, i am not in favor of obama, and if i allow YOU the right to BE IN FAVOR, please allow me the right to not.... ) so anyway,

we talked about obama and his background not beign too full... then about the pre-election presidental campagins in the states and how it was portrayed in europe and the usa.... well, i remember one video on how people on the streets were asked what they thought about obama (but they were given mccain's policies) ,, and then mccain (with obama's policies)..... the responses that were shown (WHICH was OBVIOUSLY with a bias, but the responses shown were in favor of obama, or against mccain, just based on the name rather than the policies)... this leaves me concerned...

not b/c obama is bad
or mccain would have been better
but concerned b/c issues are very rarely about the actual issues (in my corp comm class we talked about how obama painted the better "narrative" of his story, his upbringing, the underdog rising above, humble beginnings, american dream, etc. ) and mccain's was the old faithful maverick ..which story would win? of course we know the answer, obama...
its interesting to think how in the corporate world, its all about the presentation of the ideas, communication is all about painting a better picture-- in annual reports, the figures are presented in the first half of the booklet in beautiufl ways, such as pictures of families, pretty charts and graphs, etc. and then the details in the back are boring and monotonous and still presented as prettily as possible... welll.... arent we always being manipulated???
his class is very interesting and im learning a lot-- i actually lik ehim a lot, after thinking tha ti didnt, i do like it... without even realizing...

but its still sad/scary to think of how easily we can become manipulated.. and  what i ended with at lunch was on how things are perceived over here....


ok.
so martina (from italy) brought up how she feels that the conservatives/republicans do not like the poor very much, and from that observation she found that they will not help.. so john said a few things. and she felt they wnated the poor to just suffer-- and john said, that like with bush not going to louisiana, but flying right over it... but he didnt go there b/c it was all democrats... adn its the republicans idea to just let the govt be small and own states can deal with their own problesm... so obama and the oil spill.. his lack of reacting was in nod to the republicans who'd like small govt.. (or perhaps b/c he just dindt know WHAT to do... could be, could be not) but then john agreed that repubs just want the small ppl/poor to not have health care, not be able to have good educations, etc. they'll complain when the roads arent nice , but dont want govt to intervene...

well... i odnt know.. i thought my conservative mindset, says to tax and gather money for things that will add jobs and value to society, such as roads, schools, etc... and that may be more moderate to some... but i also tried to think, ok, yeah, repbulicsans dont care for the small guy (i always try to think in the same opinoin as the one talking) but then i realized, no, thats not right, repubs may think that way, but some, meaning myself, think that the small, local individuals shoudl step up and get the world around them in order... if everyone were bonding together to LOVE others and make a difference... then the need of a big govt wouldnt be there...
if we were doing,  as beginning church times things was encouraged... , we were taking care of the widow, the elderly , the homeless children,  etc. all on our own doing, (personally--wihtout govt) then things would be taken care of

forewarning:::: MY OPINION:::: its almost as though we have given up the idea on doing things ourselves, and just said, government, please... take care of the poor, make sure they get healthcare, etc. etc. and make it the best... forget us doing it b/c it will be impossible... and maybe it is impossible in this shattered-- too far gone-- society... maybe it is... but thats just a few thoughts i have....


you can disagree etc. im open. i try to stay open.. my ideas are not fully fleshed out nor defended, and would probably flux if we wre to discuss these issues, but these are some of the brief overarching thoughts that come to mind...

hopefully i wont have soo many heavy thoughts haha i'm afraid i just made a 1000 enemies.. still love me, family and friends, i am only seeking to learn and further develop my opinoins... i will try to continue to put myself in challenging opinoins and situations... i will also seek those who are similar,, but i will not stop with them. i will seek BOTH sides. so please please, give me grace to be where i am at in these huge gigantic overwhelming topics and debates

love to all,
cnp

.. overwhelmed (downer blog)

I had a great weekend. lots of traveling, luxembourg, and gent, belgium.. which were both beautiful in different ways, and it was fun with the people i was with...
but im overwhelmed in the most anxious way

i hate the grocery store
i hate not being able to read things very easily when im sooo worn out. i hate that i have to go soooo often and that i dont have any easy meals. i hate that i dont have nutritious foods like at school. i hate that im afraid of gaining weight on this irregular crazy lifestyle i have with all these types of foods i dont know which to trust. im upset with the way my legs are absolutely killing me. i cry just thinking about it right now... i can find no relief. i dont know where to go. im so overwhelmed. im in that exhausted everything is sooo difficult right now mood.
it feels sooo good to let out som eof this stress by crying. i can never cry.. or at least its a rare occasion... ohhh im just soo homesick for a friend to do all this with...

im so homesick for someone to live with and share meals with and go in together on schedules, sleep, food, everything.
i run to the grocery store most often, and then have to find food to eat. i dont like the way they do lettuce here.. its not like at home. i feel like the only things to eat are sandwiches during the day... the salad i got at the cafeteria with nikki and jordan today was cheap, but not the greatest// something different yes. but nothing lik emy salad heaping with beans, vegetables and hummus at school.. i love that salad and how nutritious and filling it is.. there is not a single bad thing about that salad. i dont even use dressing... and now, here, i have all things on my own, (the salad i ate today was like all this vinegarrette type stuff ... strange annoying) and all things are not nearly as nutritious as back home. i cant go to the gym, b-c first of all ive heard you have to open an ING account in order to belong plus i dont know when in the world id squeeze it in.. i would consider running for the amount of exercise im craving, but im so exhausted for 1, and my legs are absolutely awful for 2 , for 3 my neck/shoulders etc are just terrible.. but theres no point in fixing any of these things, i feel (ohhh sad.. realization i feel its not worth it to spend the money on me bc itll just come back.. theres an issue righ tthere. needing to accept that its ok to take time for myself.. or spend money, but i hate spending money. i hate it. i am the only one who brings lunches when we go on excursions, i try to save at every opprotunity... sure, im traveling everywehre but i hate to think of spending 8 euros on dinner or lunch..  ugh.. i hate the eral world. i wish i had a girlfriend here who i could make meals with.. Tricia, maybe you cna just find a temp job nannying or something over here for the rest of my semester... =´/

ugh...

i hate that i collapsed.. i went to the grocery store over here.. when i just wante dot go home and sleep , but i wondered when id wake up.. girls are having a game night well boys included too but i dont think ill be able to go.. im behind in intro to econ and i want to be up to classes... im doing well in it though.. as far as i know.. my classes dont have huge work loads as of yet which just makes me overwhelmed for the upcoming unknown. im planning out days that i NEED to stay in brussels an dhome for studying.. we´ll see about the other days. grocery store got too much to carry home, got stuck with a crappy cart and tried texting sabine to have a couple kids come down and help me, as the groceyr store is right nearby, but i didnt have any phone credit so i couldnt.. so i got stuck wheeling this broekn cart over to our isa buidling, and then treid carrying it upstairs... and i didnt even get eveyrthing i need// such as chicken. im exhaustd and stuck needing to get more done tonight.

another way i feel isolated is that EVERYONE has days off during the week, or if they dont, they arent doing an internship.. but i have the closest friends with days off.. and they are able to spend that day sleeping in, doing homework, laundry etc.

where as i, get done by 4 everday, or 6 depending on internship day... and then have to go home, maybe walk, grocery shop, email, do dinner for myself, and then go out... or walk again, or something, but when in the world does the minimal hw i have get done.. or sleep. or anything.. geesh... working, lviing in europe, traveling, being independent, exercising, fixing my own meals, doing hw, making new friends, helping these new friends, this semester is busy as can beeee..

i know, i choose a lot of the busy-ness .. it  is drawn to me, but i also have a personality that asks for it... yes, i understand, but it comes to these points when im over tired and over whelmed and i just collapse... hopefully it puts things in perspective... God, i pray you give me strength and hope and help and sleep!! and productivity and efficiency and exercise in the way it is needed, and relief in my feet and head etc. and time for when i should go and do that...

im sorry for the downer blog.. i wanted to write so that you could all be praying for me... i wished for sending out a mass text ha or something to alert you all that i needed prayer warriors... ahhh... thank you. i feel God at work already.

that crying really helped. off i go. im feeling better.. i love you all,

cnp

travels..

dont have too much energy to write too much,
had a good friday took a nap in the office upstairs, ate some not soo wonderful food, but it was different, and i was trying things...
had a frappe over here-- it was decent. not the greatest coffee
woudl like to take a bath

going to luxembourg tomorrow mornign at 9 am , til 11pm
then sunday gent at 815 am to who knows.. 8 pm

busy busy, then next week thurs night go to amsterdam to see jon , then friday hang , maybe travel? and then sat sun jordan and nikki comign-- what a life i have over here-- its sooooo incredibly SURREAL to me-- who am i????

good grief.. this is fake

i was planning on sleeping as i am absolutely exhasuted
going to take a warm warm bath but i have a friend comign over-- eek.. she got trapped with some kids and wants to get away-- she needs a friend, and i dont have to be that friend, but we'll see.. tis 1130 pm here.. if i take a bath and it takes her 30 min thats decent

hope i relax and chill out in that time

wow! going to luxembourg tomorrow morn haha

gent the next day ..

TGIF (tomorrow)

hehe, it will be soo good to have another week gone by, we're going to gent this sunday as a group--which should be really fun/nice to have planned, jordan nikki and i are hoping to find some local festivities tomorrow/sautrday, and then go to amsterdam next weekend.. should be fun to go with them and also grea tto include jon in there for the weekend adn meet whoever he would like to introduce me to..
im worn out. i'm giong to take a shower shortly and sleep

more food adventures im telling you about--- i made a soup, by accident actually, but it had red wine vinegar, with onion mushroom sauteed, then i added chicken slices (like turkey lunch meat) and then added cucumber and tomatoes, using up basically all of my food here, and it turned into a GREAT meal---it was soo delicious. it kept getting soupier and soupier and i was like, sweet, thiswill be interesting, i did something new, and it was SOOO good, i put cheese on top (kinda like shredded swiss-mild) and then a dollop of cream cheese/sour cream (not sure which one-- but much like the spanish would do ) and it was soooo delicious- i had little crackers local to here and a little cheese on them-- and half a peach for dessert-- how yummy!!

last night i went to our isa party for reopening our office after having a week of it beign under redoing. it was nice to have it- sabine made some really yummy potatoes and we had delicious absolutely phenomenal!!!! chocolates-- "cot'd'or" or somethign like that for the brand name-- and we had coke flavored gummies which were great, 3 -5 different cheeses--- french, bruge (belgian cheese) olives-- 2 different kinds, wine, speculos liquor(famous local cookie --delish-- ) and vanilla liquor, it was sooo noisy and soooo incredibly fun-- we had almost everyone tehre and was a blast- had delicious bread with our potato cheesy dish, and sooo good-- and free-- got an apple when arriving and took 2 with me, and also some cot'd'or candies ;) so i can share with you back home-- cheap skate--- ps. thank you grandma for letters and thank you grampa for the article and parents for the letters/things.. i plan on going to the p.o. tomorrow... didnt go today b/c it started pouring rain when i was about to leave- it was such a tropical like rain.

feel exhausted, but had a good day
hung out in the office after my class adn that was really relaxing fun, had a melon that was leftover from last night, adn those delicious danish cookies with teh sweet sugar on them, and coffee from sabine with the vanilla liquor in it.. yummy ;) like my tequila con crema...

am so encouraged by the friends i have here-- without them this would be sooo hard, but i have great friends, and tonight was even good with both the roomies-- martina (italy) and julia (germany) and dan and me (usa)
funny-- how cool!! oh, and then the family below (france/belgium)
cool
it will be really fun to show you parents around...
going to amsterdam next weekend and visiting jon and nikki jordan will come sat-sunday
walked home from school today, it was about 35 min away.. would lvoe to do that to and from, but we'll see
goign to shower (after 11 eek!!) and we're all working on planning trips... prague,  
vienna/munich,    budapest/salzburg ,  so exciting! i hope it works...
walked with rebecca tonight--that was really nice ;) off to showering
love to all
(oh rebecca and i had a great walk las tnight about trusting , living in the "THE" and not the "IF" and thats soo key- we both would love to be living with our <3 but get stuck in our heads... hard stuff.. very paralyzing..
need some food in this home. im hungry. just ate a scoop of p.b. b/c dont have much at all haha .

love,cnp

Days at Work

I dont know where my last two days have gone exactly. I know I wrote at some point about living situation, and I'm just making do with Julia, I was super frustrated when I was writing, and still am irritated because when rationally thinking, I have made no contract with anyone about certain hours for showering, and it is a shared common house with no rules about times for shower, it is actually cheaper in Brussels if you shower later, so I am just upset about the "unfairness" but such is life on this earth.. sigh.. ha it is good (perhaps) if i can find the psoitives, that i am encouraged to get to sleep earlier by showering earlier, but this only works if i am at home all night, many, many nights, i may be out for a walk with my neighbors, or out on an adventure somewhere with friends from school. It is difficult, but we will see. Thank you for all of you who wrote me about it. i love you.


Had a busy week so far, a package arrived to my school, but ill have to go to the post office to pick it up (which is a nuisance) and its also sad tha ti have to pay a 10 euro custom fee.. i do not believe jon pack has to pay those, so its annoying tha ti do.
have been calling for ejc all day, phone calls to different countries using skype. i suppose i could get credit added onto skype to call the states and actually talk on the phone, but then i'd just be tied down to my computer, it may or may not be worth it. i have that text thing so that is convenient and works.. 815 310 0574 :) feel free

I enjoy the women in my office, i believe they are both Grecian, and i just cannot wait til i get to visit Greece someday. I cannot cannot wait to go on that Mediterranean Cruise-- i think that'll be soo fantastic (in my future some day). I had leftovers from my dinner cooking last night, and had fun cooking my (hehe fun part for me to list what i made ;]) potatoes, onions, tomatoes, chicken, mushroom, olive oil, garlic, basil, ? and balsamic i had today.. anywho, i had fun sitting with dan and talking for maybe 2 hours-- soo glad he moved in, he's a solid guy. a good friend, i feel like he's an adopted brother/cousin someone, glad to have him around. good to get a guy's solid, even-keel opinion on things.. whew, too much emotion just leaves you going crazy! haha

i booked a plane ticket to gothenburg city, sweden with jordan and nikki for the middle of november, that'll be soo sweet-- ive never been to ikea in the states-- can you believe it?! and maybe we can walk into one over there haha how funny!?
i'm excited for that trip-- thats a place i never expected to go..
this weekend we(jordan nikki) AND a bunch of other kids, but jordan and nikki and i were going to go to amsterdam (and just me orginally to see jon) but jon ahs festivities he's overworked for on friday, and then saturday is my only day b/c we go to gent on sunday... ive gotta start working ahead on hw- its such a foreign thing over here-- im like, nahh i dont have any/dont need to do any, but itll catch up with me in no time. i REALLy have to get going on that.. have reading to do for economics, so after i get done making a couple more phone calls here at work, ill stay here and work, yesterday Cara Smith gave me a few hugs and was super sweet (she's english) and she said i'm a sweetheart, i'm glad to be working for her, and after my panic of writing here, it seems to be going "better" it'll still be small man jobs, but there are "big men" doing the same jobs so whatever... i enjoy working as a team-- thast wehre i thrive-- i realized that yesterday at work. i loved meeting witha couple others and discussing what we would need to do /brainstorm, plan, and act, each with his own tasks, but to make the gorup succeed... i also dont do well sitting at computer s( ithink ive est. that before, but its too distracting, its nooootttt my thing, and again, i'm too distracted) (partly due to the fact taht i dont like them-- it gives me a stiff neck and shoulders and its not emotional haha )

mom and dad and i talked on skype last night and they laughed when i said i'm dramatic and they said they wouldnt argue with that-- haha but as they said that, and i talked emotionally about something, they both sat there with plain, straight faces with just a slight eye blink.. so hilarious how completely opposite i am, so interesting too how i date someone who is expressive, interesting, cpack, i feel lik eyou and i both have gravitated towards "friends" ;) for you, your wife, haha , but ppl who are more emotional, jon? i dont know what i'd say for you?? yes and no???  hehe, well, i love you little family. you are so special to me :-D whether or not you are very emotional-- ;)
im soooo excited that you mom and dad are coming over here and celebrating your 40th anniversary-- cant tell you how cute and romantic and fun that is!! where you met, kinda, except did you even travel to brussels back then? dad, you came here for work a couple times right?? i love tha tyou're going to get to see wher ei've been--- how awesome!! and that we talked you into coming, too, DAD!! :-D

monday night i booked the tickets for geneva, then barcelona, and paris for tricia and me, i was looking for flights with nikki and she gave me easyjet.com which is super cheap, convenient (B/c its the airport RIGHT by my house) but it only flies 5 places, but i found one wyas, that go from one locationto the next to the next, so tricia and i will go from brussels to geneva monday night, then wed evening geneva to barcelona, then friday evenign barcelona to paris, and sunday afternoon/evening, paris (by train, yet to book but have plenty of time) to brussels (also have a hostel yet to book for paris) bu ti found all the rest, and as papa andi were talking, he suggested different dyas, but in teh end my planning worked out the best!! soo awesome tha ti was able to do that.. it was soo fun, and i was on such a role, poor parents, i was super high energy and ready to act, but they were there for emotional support and that helped, some friends are considering trying to join for different parts of the trips... and tricia will leave the following tuesday, the week before i will be in italy from a friday to the following sunday.. a week and 2 weeknds-- holy cow!! that means 2 weeks of pretty much complete travel-- soooo iv'e gotta work out homework time.. haha eek.
sorry- lots of stories about that, but i have 3 for sure open weekends , maybe 4 , to go to different places-- cologne is one by train, and london is another by train... have to do london before nov 10 (b/c of visa complications after that)... so its cheaper the further in advance you book, but i was hoping to NOT be gone the weekend right before fall break (italy) and (europe trip) the week after, we'll see though waht happens, cannot wait for all these adventures!! :-D  what in the world.. oh another awesome thing-- -tricia and i TOGETHER are 110 euros to fly through all those countries.. holy cow- awesome deal!!
my dad compared it to what i do in minnesota/school.. and they both (mom and dad) wre saying to prepare myself fo rwhen i get back and my highlight is going to target and lifetime fitness haha ohhh man, that does sound awful haha
but hopefully by that time ill be ready AND have gone to south america--haha what an amazing life-- i am SOOOO blessed i get sooo swept away by all these adventures--woowie!
a man was visiting the office yesterday who is from paris (born and raised) and he just got back from galapagos islands and quito, ecuador, he said its fabulous (but he didnt make it into the rainforest) so its awesome i get to.. nice of him to say...
yesterday i was on such a role planning after planning the trips to european cities, that i was bombing through the ideas/dates/trips to go to other places, and found sweden for the cheapest on ryan air, i checked all of them and started with the furtherest away date and had jordan contact me asap while she was in class and nikki on the other line (skype) .. it was soo fun, nikki was like, dang, girl, you can just go ahead and plan all of our trips!! haha i loved it.

its the stupid eurorail, etc etc, that are not as easy to use and overwhelm me-- if im overwhelmed i dont feel like doing it and i just take the backseat b/c i know some ppl REALLY like to plan, for me if they love it, and i am overwhelmed/discouraged, i figure dont bother, but how much i DO love it when i succeed and am capable-- the easyjet.com website was soo easy that it set me up for succeeding and i felt capable to do more!! im in the mood to do more now too so maybe tonight (at our ISA reopening of the office afte rits gotten carpeted) i will be able to plan london and then cologne!! yippee!!! :-D

guess what?!?! there's what?, like 200 christians in all of europe haha ok, exaggeration, but maybe not? ha nooo ok, anyway,
there is aguy from missouri school of journalism (states) who was an intern during grad school last year and then cam eback this year for a paid position til end of december,, he said he met some guy in church who connected him witha school in korea to basically be an RA for boarding students in high school years... how cool to have found him, not sure his age, i'd guess 28, 29?? i dont know.. ryan ? pierce... he said he goes to an international baptist churhc, and a bible study every wed, he said the bible study is sweet- and i'm wlcoem to join, he knew i was a christian (or wondered) b/c of bethel university-- soo cool..i shared with a few friends recently about answered prayer, i'm a christian, etc etc, so i hope that im able to keep being real
i love God, i lvoehow He provides.. im so excited for this experience.. all over the place.. wow. rockin
out of the 15 ppl not even tha twork here-- to have another from the states and a christain--what are the odds? haha
cool

what else should i say? trips are planning and more to come-thats always exciting and next weekend will try to go to amsterdam, see jon, nikki and jordan will probably join ;)
that'll be fun, i hope the 2 worlds can combine.. family and isa kids, i think they should be able to :)
soo excited for all these trips.. gotta gotta tell myself to still do homework. 5 o'clock here ;) i think?
ok , thanks for all the prayers, love to all,
cnp

points of pondering

i guess a lot is on my mind, but a couple things i'll focus on (so i think)

hard for me to live with people/or become close friends with people who expect certain things, who live a certain lifestyle that then expects you to meet their standards/ways of being...

as most of you know, time is a relative thing for me, i see it in perspective with the people around me, and when they disappear, it must be time to go.. ha, a slight exaggeration but probably not toooo far off ;)

but, when people start to put limits on me and get frustrated with me for not arrivign 10 minutes early, or for not havign a gameplan before the day begins, its hard, i feel trapped and suffocated and pressured. i hate those feelings, i hate that i get clostrophobic and probably it leads to me feeling homesick b/c i feel misunderstood and not appreciated for who i am...

i wondered as i showered tonight, how you (my best friends at home) have dealt with your laid back time schedules.. if friends mind when you say, i'm 15 minutes behind for teh coffee date, or if you've just chosen to hang out with people who are like you in that...?  it's very interesting to think.. i seem to run into those kind of friends, bu ti feel i can never fully relax or be myself, b/c im constantly in the mindset to please, and i know they are much harder for my personality to please-- i know that they want certain things met and i know that i wont be able to naturally meet them, so it makes me feel a whole lot of pressure to meet...

this leads me to another point, of how much i love and want and feel i "need" to please others-- it is me to want to be apprecaited and cherished for who i am, and while everyone still "loves" me-- they may think im crazy for staying up too late, or not having plans for the night,
i just feel grace is not as common in these siutations, and then the whole act of trying to please, FAILS, b/c they still didnt understand me, so i may have met one thing, but it wasnt like these people/personalities really appreciated it, bc to them, that is what is expected...
hard.. life is hard...

im thankful for you who know me, and still love me and accept me and encourage me. i believe the friends i have here, may not have the nature to encourage as much , which would hopefully speak well of christian friends and family i have at home,
i feel its not as natural or easy to be understanding, although many are, i feel its easier to walk on tippy-toes  than to expect that others will be understanidng... ok i'm getting tired, side tracked and this isnt going anywhere anymore haah, but good thoughts , i may have to start praying more hardcore about meeting other ppl/pleasing them, and still living how God wants me to..

how do you say the expression/word that describes something diagonally across?? how would you all say kiddy-corner?  (these new jerseyans are all saying kaddy corner!!) i'd never heard that.. i should ask Grandma (far away).. mom, you want to ask her for me ;)  ?

drama AND entertainment

first, the drama happened at 430 pm as i was just getting home from my day out (entertainment), ill mention that later...
just as i was walking into my house from mornign and afternoon afround the markets etc, i ran into stephanie and she said she and julia had talked and julia asked that i not shower after 11 pm, and stephanie said she knows i am opening and closing the doors but if i do shower, to go downstairs, and i said, well thats frustrating or didnt seem to work bc then julia complained about the stairs and the lights on , so i really just dont know how to win...


im soo odisappointed we cant just get along, that she cant be the one who's moving out in a couple weeks, taht she hastn already been the one to move out... thaqt she acts like a 50 yr old brat when she's 23 or somethign...
i cant stand how ridiculous she is...
i mean, so now it ahs to be a new contract where i have to shower before 11 pm or else i cant shower? are you kidding me?
11 pm?

thats hardly nighttime for me, i mean to say before midnight, ok. but BEFORE 11 pm... at 11 pm doesnt even count
thats just absurd

i want to cry...

someone please comfort me
i wish dan were here to help me figure this out.
he wants to be upstairs, he will be up late, he doesnt mind noise, why cant dumb julia just move down to my old room, and dan and i take the upstairs with as much noise as we want, but if julia's the one getting up early EVERY day and going to bed eaerly--- it makes WAY more sense to have her with the kids (who have the SAME schedule... ) i just see no logic in telling me to take a shower at 10:30 pm...

that means i'll have to go to bed at 11 every night if i wanted to take a shower and sleep right after,
and that may be good for me, its definitely not the lifestyle of a college student, and definitely not that of one who is frickin living in europe
!!!!!!!!!
im just so :'[  

i dont even know the words to describe the emotions i feel...

she's not even here to talk much, im showering up there again tonight, and it sucks that she's using stepahnie as a middle person, she cant frickin talk to me,
ugh i hate people like her
its like grow up and laern to live with other people... all the girls i told the story too (which ws like 6... ) all felt taht she was being ridiculous and had never lived with other ppl before (if she really needed to be ina  place wehre there is no noise and light, then she should be renting from a person who has just one tenant and no one else-- i mean tahtwas the poitn the other girls made) and they said carolyn, no you shouldnt be compromising (because i was portraying the story, in my, i'm tryign to meet her at every way, compromise, figure out the best for both, try to suggest better options, very calm, apologetic) and they still were like, carolyn, no !! what !? you gotta stand up for yourself you cant be bothered by that...

its true though, thats college life


i'mmm sooooooooooooooooooo upset right now :'(   :!


then, the entertainment (after getting annoyed and letting some of that die down ...) was that i met alysia, skye, rebecca, kirstin (last 2 are neighbors) for the market (a couple of them--like humoungous flea and farmer's markets) and ventuerd around for maybe 2-3 hours, then skye and tall chris (oh yeah he showed up) they sat and got luncha  little stop, and i walked back to the farmers market to try to find something other than fried food --seems thats all you can get and its always like 6 euros .. i dont want to spend that all the time- so i went over got a grapefruit for 45 cents, an apple for 25 (it was HUGE) and a small parmesan cheese for 1:80.
very good and felt better tahn eating another huge disgusting thing, we're going to sushi tonight (in an hour) and we were also heading to the beer festival thats in brussels righ tnow.. i decided i didnt want to have to pay so i enede up leaving, buti got home and took chris' bike home for him... he didnt need it so ive been meaning to get back out and bike around, as he said i could-- but havent yet, need to so that i still make sushi
it made me soo happy to be riding a bike again.. gosh do i really miss it!! its such a great fall thing to do, or spring, but it just helps me to feel the transitions of the seasons and gives me such delight, its like an adventure/exploring every time you go out and its also exercise and relaxing and good time to think. goodness i love it!!
i remember some girls here asking me what my favorite thing to do with austin is, and i thought about it and felt like it was biking but told her something else, and i asked austin, and he said giong on bike rides... so its funny how much that is really true.  fun bc Papa Bear and i love going on bike rides too- i love biking with you Daddy, its so fun to explore with you and see how far we can coast ;)

ahhh ;) makes me happy to think of biking  ... im grateful we're able to.. so anywho, had a good day exploring etc, and walkign around, fidnign my own lunch, trying on some clothes, seeing teh food, gettign tastes of thigns .. im hungry nwo though so i better grab somethign here before i leave for sushi- otherwise ill be spending a fortune

abby, it was always so fun to get sushi with you, you wre my true inspiration and i loved going with you, sisters, you! :-D (and your dad of course) lots of different and good sushi memories , a random spontaneous date with austin which was one our favorites, a bunch of times getting it for myself at the grocery deli at school, those father daughter times with you johnson/carlson pennington girls ;) even the dc at bethel having great sushi that we got to have them custom order to oru liking-- that was soo fun!! many memories of sushi-- and now, random, here is brussels!! :D
ok, love to all, thanks for reading these. ;) love, cnp

Scurry to the weekend

I've had a wonderful weekend thus far. I was able to relax yesterday (Friday ) after my mornign class by hanging out with some kids from a group project, getting our hw done, and then heading back to my house. I had packed up my things th enight before, the best i could and was getting ready for my move upstairs. I had the otpion of staying in the same room ont the (third) "second" floor in european customs, or moving up to the one above which is the top floor and next to its own bathroom/shower and kitchen/living area... i had some conflict with the girl upstairs, as she heard me 2 nights showering late (not consecutive) and she said my noisy-ness walking up the stairs and having the light on disturbed her, well it could be the owner going upstairs and thsi girl would still have a cow.. (hehe i will first of all say, that i am 25% german and strong-willed and stubborn) but this girl is full-blooded german and boy was she a headache to deal with. anywho, we (she and i talke da night or two ago before i went out to go for a walk with some of my girlfriends who came over to have a bottle of wine (all 6 of us) and walk to a park nearby) ... that was a side note within a sidenote haha
It was great to have those girls here (nikki jordan alysia skye and caitlin) bc i was so frutsrated after talking to julia (pronounced Ulia) and to have those girls hear me out on hwo i was talking to julia tyring to meet her halfway, compromising, all the thigns i would try to do to treat her well, like i  dont know how to resolve this, but im going to need to shower, and i am not one to easily wake up so showering in the mronign really isnt an option for me (and yes, i could consider showerign earlier but many ngihts i dont get home til 11 at night [or later] so i dont have the option) AND its a way for me to loosen up my msucles so i can sleep and warm up to be cozy in bed... i mean so many reasons taht its like thsi girl has never ever ever tried to live with someone before-- things dont go yoru way, life isnt perfect, i mean, i was complaining about the kids waking me up one mronign b/c i assumed it'd be every day and id never sleep in again, but i dealt with it and it really wasnt bad and ive fallen back asleep again with them there.. i mean, its just understanding that others arent going to be perfect .


geesh could talk about that situation for horus..
blah, but i ended up moving upstairs

dan (darcy's boyfriend) moved into my old room below me and he was hoping to get julia to move downstairs into my old room, and he take this one (its a french style apartment/bedroom ) we think its called that bc it has a sink in it.
the italian girl who mvoed in 3 days ago-- martine or martina --is such a cmoplete sweetheart-- i love how laid back and kind she is. she complains about the french beign too snobby to talk to even her and if they wont even talk to an italian NOR the dutch within belgium, then good grief they need to get a reality check , AND of course, let go of some pride.

dan, martine and i sat together tongith when i got home from my looooong day and talked-that was fun. im too tired to give details  i wish i wasnt-- ill push through for alittle while. martine is diong a 2-3 yr program she's 21 too and she lives on the southern part of italy(seaside she says) and goes to school in the north, she is trainign to be an interpreter but in italy they do not respect interpreter profession so she wants to move , as it is she alreayd doesnt see her family, i asked her about warm, hospitable culture (that i ve heard about in italy) and she said, totally, even moreso than the spanish , (so if you've seen the spanish, its even better) so thats sweet and cute of her-- she is very very nice. she's taking englihs, itnernship and french while she's here and will go back in october (beginning)

last night, i made myself chicken with basil, onion, mushroom, and tomato and a piece of whole wheat yummy bread-- it tasted very good, and then met up with everyoen at some location, dan moved in last night and he asked abou tsharing food-- i really dont need to share food to cut costs at the moment, while many will say its cheaper, i never ever end up wasting my food so it actually doesnt save me any to split.. hard to know what to say in thsoe situations, ill see what we want to do. i already know that he and his gf darcy are much much much more structured ppl tahn i am, so having a "6:30 dinner time" that they stick to is probably not very far off.. me, its just whenever i get home and have gotten the groceries and done waht ever else i need to do. i love you mommy you understand me. (and many of the rest of you reading this-- ha-- how did taht happen? ;D )
oh, but before makign dinner, we had sporadic plans, i told nikki and jordan i needed to eat first, and to go without me but they told me to go with them (this is my problem, ppl dont repsect me telling them i wont be able to make a certain time bc i KNOW i need to take care of myself by doing this or that, ) they didnt really have plans, so i figured, send them off, let them go, and ill meet them when i get my food cooked and text them, but theypressured me, i guess i need to learn to respect my own boundaries, and just say no, ill text when im done and ready to meet (but at the same time still hurrying to meet them) it just gets complicated b/c there are always other factors, like dan showing up just as i was about to leave and be done cooking my food, but i let it keepcookign and waited to eat b/c i was helping him and orienting him to our house... whatever, he then decided he wanted to go with m e(which was great and fun, but it always slwos down wahtever plan you may have been doing)  it worked though ,we met them, they were fine, we had fun, we all went to a little otuside cafe/pub and i tried chocolat beer!! how crazy-- i thoguth it smelled like rootbeer (others thought tootsie roll)  it was fun to try, and a stella artois --those are soo popular over here-- then we went to a martini bar, i decided not to get anything, but if you ordered from there, they'd give you a free tequila shot, so our texas girls who know their tequila got those, and so did dan ... it was a great bar bc it was almsot a club with really fun music that we were all dancing to in our seats and fun crazy lights.. i loved that place

k. so im moved upstairs, i like it a ton a ton, already i can tell its so much better for me, and i went to hans sur lee and dinant today for an excursion with ISA- (they picked me up on the coach bus b/c the tram i was waiting for wasnt going to be there for another 19 minutes). that was funny everyone applauded me for getting waited on ;) took 2 hours to get to hans sur lee almost everyone slept on the way, but i of course couldnt, i was too piled in with ppl and no foot rests,  ... we went to a cave (like howe caverns in ny and that one in branson/st. louis) . that was fun, same ol after a while, but still cool, and then went outside and ate lunch in small gorups at different cafes etc. i got a jambon e fromage hawain (i dont know spelling, but ham and cheese grilled half sandwich with pineapple on top and a small salad on the side) it was 5 euros... kinda pricey but tastey, and then went to the bus again and napped on way over and went ot cutest place-- dinant-- we took a huge 408 + steps (steep , steep steps)up  to a castle (had the choice of a tram/elevator thing)
and then went on a tour, my favorite pats of the castle/fort were the last 2 rooms..
the first was kinda like linos (where they have the lights --oh, or the coronado-- wehre the lights are on the ceiling and the ceiling is painted black/navy and it looks like stars, and they had sandbags set up like barracades and fake ppl looking over the edge and the noise of gun shots and airplanes flying above, it was sooo cool. it really felt like saving private ryan or soemthing, i lvoe those kidn of thigns because i can really imaigne and put mseylf in the situation (its just like playing with the kitchen sets as a 4 year old-- they help you to imagine what its like) ...
then the next room after taht was a "shell-shocked" room of what it was like when a bomb hit and a room would literally be tipped on tis side, that was cool to see-- just like a fun house where the room is slanted and the door gets smaller on one side, except that this was for real as an example of what happened)
very itnersting, we then walked down the stairs, and to a spot for a group picture, then back to an area for cafes/pubs/etc to get a drink,

i got a fruit cocktail, it had vanilla ice cream, nectarines, bananas, strawberries, kiwi, pineapple, and whip cream, and tequila, it was sooo delicious-- it tasted like my crema de tequila with ice cream at home ;)
plus a huge serving of fruit-- it was sooo perfect for me- i could nto have ordered a better one and it took me a while to decide-- see the reason it takes me a while to decide/make decisions is b/c i know if i consider it carefully ill make a decision that i probably wont have any second thoughts on and will be very glad i got, but if i just make a decison b/c everyones rushing me, then it ends up beign i feel bad for it b/c it wasnt actually my chocie, it was out of my feelings of being rushed-- delicate) everyoen's noticing how i take a while to make my decisions hehe, and its wayyyyyyy worse when im tired.. its especially fodo decisions-- bc i care so much about food :-D haha

ok, so almsot done, we got done with our delicoius treats as we sat along the river, outside in the sun, and we went up and down this river seeing some scenery and raelly relaxing, it was fun, then we had a half an hour to find dinner, or whatever was wanted/needed, so Jackson and i ended up splitting 2 apples, olives and cheese (culmpt ? i dont remember exaclty-he picked it out- french cheese it was yummy) and 2 smaller loaves of bread (mine was a nutty/grainy one-yummy ) and we also got some tuna salad to share (i said we'd need some more protein when i saw us just getting a tiny block of cheese-- boys, they have all the right intentions but sometiems dont realize that it may take more than they're getting to actually get full) haha , so anyway, we split for about 5 euros each -- it was a delicious meal and very eruopean, we sat outside by the water for most of it, and then i finished on the bus,

i got home, we talked about what to do, i mentioend i talked with dan and martina and now, might shower and sleep