11.10.10 :}

Had a great weekend, sooo thankful i stayed home.
had a fabulous time ....

i am so refreshed.. really tired, but refreshed... my heart is restored in many areas of my life... i feel a bit of :-$ mixed emotion-- could be tiredness... could be awareness that there is more to come...

oh! could be that i got a c on one of my midterms, ha, considering i had the flu quite bad and slept all of sunday last weekend which was night before the midterm, thats not too bad... just surprised...
its all common sense in his class and so i didnt feel it was necessary to overwhlem myself with over studying , i mean, i looked through most things, and i cant get the dumb academic website to work for his powerpoints--- he's using 2 websites, why not just use one?? ugh... resentment towards him and his ways...

and now feeling the pressure to get going on my GE assessment paper--- he said for the midterm we start with zero and have to prove ourselves worthy of points,(whcih i knew theory, but specific words he'd mention on the powerpoint i didnt know exact-- so didnt 'prove myself')  whatever, europe. i'm fine. grades dont transfer , i shouldnt complain. c isnt even bad... but its me, haha and i was just puzzled by it... whatever. sickness, lack of motivation, busy-ness, different grading, lack of clarity, websites not working, whatever.. it didnt go as well as i imagined.

tonight though, i heard stories from budapest and edinburgh, both sounded like the ppl who went had fun... but i'm so glad i wasnt a part of either

sooooo glad


im sad that my neck and shoulder blade are starting to get tingly again from being soo muscle-y tight.

i have recently been so encouraged and had so much fun writing dear friedns and old friends on facebook-- ppl i hadnt talked ot in a long time are now getting reconnected--- i am grateful for fb for once!!! :=D i'm learning to appreciate!! big step!!

went fo ra walk tonight that was nice... internship tomorrow... love that they love me at the itnership, that makes such a difference. i love being loved.

little chris who was with us on saturday was acting quite immaturely (alwasy kinda lacks social skills) and we were showing him how to smoke a cigar, and teaching him how to drink , but to do it socially, the point is not to get drunk, its to have something to sit over and talk ... (at least what we were up to..) and it was frsutrating b/c he just wouldnt udnerstand and then say, "i just dont do it lik ethat, or i just dont ... i just dont... " everything had another excuse on it. i was so frustrated ppl like that, just covering, i'm like grow up or dont be here. i have very little patience (inside) but i was being gentle and teaching him about tasting wine, much like how you could do it for beer, and just sniff and let the flavor , texture roll around in your mouth. get the body of it.... he just wasnt getting it i guess.. but felt insecure. ... this is where i get actually upset


so he goes home and tells him roommate, jackson , that i was drunk . 1, i was definitely NOT drunk. 2, that i was teaching him how to drink, 3. etc etc etc that was so immature

jackson said he knew right away that whatever little chris said was way different thats why he was comign to me for the story, but anyway, i was just aggravated even more hearing that... i felt awful when we were with him, b/c everythign he did , he had NO back bone, nothing of confidence in him... and thats all i wanted for him, i want him to succeed an dnot be pathetic and annoying to everyone he meets, i mean, he's pursuing some girl back home who strings him along and most likely uses him for whatever convenience, he's too good of aheart to not see... its hard... bc/ while i care and feel poorly for him. i also feel burdened and responsible and tooo much.. i have to let it go. but im just like, God, could i just shake him and turn him over and he'd be fine...


ugh


but like we pointed out, and so did little chris... he didnt have a dad
nor any other male figure


ugh. how frustraing
way to go 'dad' you didnt raise your son and now he's the laughing stock/annoyance of everywehre he goes... how heartbreaking... tahts mayb ewhy i feel even wrose.. im heartbroken and frustrated b/c i just want to remedy it and i dont want to see it anymnore-- its uncomfortable for me. i care sooo much about family's being strong and raising kids well... that it sucks to see that.. i hate it i hate it.

:'( grrrr

God, help little chris, help him to be given men who are strong and encouraging and who will direct him to live a better , stronger , positive life. God, i pray you give me patience and mediation and peace and comfort ... Lord, i have no patience, i can only get through on Yours. Take me. and take him . haha take him FAAAARRRR from me, and work, and then help me to be ther efor him and be who You would have me to be. You are not done in me, and not done in my relationship with little chris... God, i pray I give you me. Here i am.


love to all,
thoughts on life... i guess??