Before Departure

So, I've said I would write about a trip that I cannot remember anymore which it was... I believe it was Antwerp, or if not, i've been there since writing about places as well--- but both were fun, Antwerp was adventurous and exciting- i've been really connecting with my res. director Sabine which is always good-- she has a warm spot for me, and that's saying something.

I overslept today and Tricia arrived, which was awful , i felt terrible waking up, but i've been slaving over this paper this week, and by the time I get home at 830 and its time to make dinner, i just veg out and cant really move to go do hw or sleep , i just sit. its awful and a complete waste of time, but i'm overly exhausted and still have so many pressures so i feel i can't let go to sleep, that i must keep trying to get stuff done.
luckily Austin was workingo n my computer and played music to wake me up-- that did it. i wish i could have my alarm at home (with its music) that always woke me...  :/


point of this , to say i'm going to be leaving my house at 4 am tomorrow to go to rome, then siena, then florence, then venice and im so excited. im exahusted , utterly, but im glad to have tricia here, and it'll all work out...

think i may be too tired to write much, but ..

a busy 2 weeks ahead, had a great time in the isa office today- had coffee and was happy with caffeine and people and the excitement of my 'sister' being here and friends and treats to share,

also Tricia blogging about her travels , i hope i can do some too... so great to have her experiencing it all . i'm so happy for her!! everything is fresh and new and exciting and wondrous,

Europe is lovely and beautiful

i'm happy to have both sides of the experience. i love being able to be with her, in her awe, and with a person like irene who is from here who is respectful and kind and intriguing in all her italian ways <3


love,
carolyn


i hope i get some sleep so this trip can be absolutely unforgettable ;)   kiss kiss (as the Italians do )  beso beso

LDR.. ? ;)

I wish I had someone to pray for me. I miss having a friend who i can turn to and ask for a hug and prayer. I miss Naomi, I miss having roommates who care and love me and will be there for me despite the chaos going on. I miss being loved. and known and supported. (spiritually,..)... 

Mom, i miss you. i misss even being able to call you and have you pray for me, freshman year, thats all i did, and i am older and more capable of life (perhaps) but I still long for someone to love and support and encourage me. Where is God when I dont have a person to love on me....

wow.  (just came back and added this in after stuff below, so the flow won't make too much sense once you get dnoe with this.. but anyway,....) what a weight just hit me. im missing the Body so much right now. I have never been in such a state where I have to actively seek to be fed. I normally have friendships (at least) who are constantly encouraging or challenging me, or at least i can spill my spiritual/God relationship guts.. etc. and I have not seen the value of having someone, but I think i HAVE to go to a church on sunday (think the assembly of God one is kinda super far away.... but might be cool -- ripley smith-prof/helper/advisor to me at bethel gave me that one adn another one (which the ugy at my internsihp goes to) and ripley's friend's home church is the farther away one.  i listened to a sermom today during work , adn it was good. i liked it. i just want believers to hold me and pray for me, and i feel like i might find more receptiveness to that at a more emotionally approachable church.. great pastor talked on the podcast. it was sweet :-D 

(ok this is waht i wrote before teh paragraph above)....

every relationship here is different and encouraging in different ways, bu ti just want to be with believers who can pray for me. I might get up early on Sunday to go to an Assemblies of God church on Sunday so that they can pray for me. I am crying my eyes out as i write this and i'm trying to be quiet so my roommates won't hear me. 

(and stopped crying when i realized i need believers)

Some of you friends know this, and of course mom, dad, you know, and obviously the subject of it knows ;)

ha, but another major stressor/factor, well , i dont know. let me start over. 

I have a crazy schedule. I have class monday all day, and then get home, but am exhausted from a likely late night on sunday, and have to push through. Austin and I had planned a skype date (once a week) to try to have fun and catch up together. well, it's not been the most successful thing in the world, and it was at the beginning of coming up with that idea, but life and crazy-ness got in teh way. Austin's schedule is as crazy, probably more than mine. Mine is crazy relative to those studying abroad-- compared to them, i have it rough, compared to home, its probably not that bad-- its just that you add in the emotions and the new-ness and the challenges that come with it, and emotionally its different than home (which can start to catch up with you).. anyway, Aust and i... we both love spending time together, we both enjoy each other so much, that it is hard that we both care, .... as my friend Darcy has mentioned, Austin and i both being such passionate ppl means that the lows, and pain will be felt THAT MUCH MORE b/c our highs are higher and our lows, will also go lower....    its hard... but can be good, esp when i think of this:  versus you , mom and dad, who both stay --------------------------------------------- haha. very different from who i've always been... Dad and i could never spend all our days together, he alerady goes nuts after 10 minutes of listening to me ;) haha. anyone with me will probably go crazy, but hopefully ill tone down after i start to figure myself out and my quirks O;)

but anyway, so theres some more details... and Austin has a busy schedule, his and mine are basically as busy as could be, and then you try to throw in all our hopes for making our relationship still thrive as though we were in person, and it taxes both of us. I'm sharing all this because its honestly my biggest burden, but can also be one of  my biggest joys.... I just want prayer to be giving it to God, and to brag on how incredible it is at the same time. I mean, i've shared a lot of my heart, both the ups-and-downs. but its b/c i care so much, i do love being in a relationship with Austin, I'm amazed at so many ways this knocked me off my feet and wasnt in my plans at all-- def. not, wasnt planning on going abroad, i gave that idea up too.. but here i am with it all, and what an opportunity for growth, Lord, please help me not to be destroyed before I make it through ;)

My mom gave me a little devotional book by Beth Moore which is called "Praying God's Word Day by Day" and one day has a quote on top of October 18: "God will give us Victory. But sometimes He will require every ounce of energy and cooperation we have in the process."  and to continue:... "Blessed, merciful God, Your Word promises that those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, I will return with songs of joy, ['Carolyn' means 'Song of Joy'] carrying sheaves with me (Ps. 126:5-6). 

Help me to see that the promise is not made to those who simply have tears but to those who are willing to sow seed in the midst of their tears. Your Word tells us in Luke 8:11 that the seed is the Word. If I'm willing to keep believing and sowing Your Word, even when I am desperately hurting, You will bring me forth from this difficult season with songs of joy. Because of Your faithfulness, with joy I will draw water from the wells of salvation (Isaiah 12:3)." 

Amen.

Hmm... even more powerful writing this out, and realizing that "my name" is all throughout... i am so overwhelmed by God's love for me <3 mmm :) 

wrote that prayer after i wrote all of the following :::: , nothing seems to big anymore, but i feel you don't see the progression God MAKES in me if i dont share the full picture, its just that it gets so jumbled... hope it can still share some of my heart and journey of how God uses and teaches me. 

it's so hard. i see Austin discouraged and missing me (as i am for him, but its so different being a girl and seeing it, i feel... i think both species (male adn female) will react and feel badly for the other, but the way they react and wnat to help is so different ha). i feel bad i can do nothing, absolutely nothing for him (although i'm not mentioning praying and thats a very big not-so-NOTHING, but...i cant even talk to him when i'd like... i wrote a friend that a hard part about it is that if he and i were in person and we miscommunicated about something, one of us would pursue the other until we were sure we were on the same page--- when do you find that in a relationship? -- so many of the ones i see around me, will reinforce why I am so blessed that I am dating Austin... there are ways that I should also learn, like making it simpler and being mindful of what i am expecting-- i hate feeling so annoying-- ugh i hate it. i feel awful for it.. :/ but im trying to learn and be more reaonable and 'simple' :}

 

one other thing which has been encouraging in spite of all the heartache/missing... is that anyone (which is everyone) ha, more or less... that i've talked to about Austin, and then ended up mentioning the heartache and chaos of trying to figure this out when we both have ridiculous schedules, 

they have mentioned how Austin and I will figure it out because we have "such a strong relationship"  or we both "care so much about each other" or they "love us both so much" and  we're "so great together" ... i mean, didnt i just write in my last blog about being a team? 

i love being on a team with Austin. ... i especially love that ppl give me awesome feedback on that-- and many of those ppl dont even see us together!! ? like you, Amanda!!! and Cynthia complimented us.. i mean, the dear, dear friends I have, their opinions mean so much to me- Jenn, even ppl liking or commenting on pictures of us on facebook-- how much that means to me, that others NOTICE that we're together, that we're making a greater impact when together, than apart... thats sick. :-D 

how much more encouragement coudl i get!!?! yay!! :-D 

we both LOVE people---- haha i was just giong to say "i love people" then i realized i could say that of him too haha , how adorable ;p  haha let me have my giddy realization in all this turmoil haha please!! ok... 

ok complaints about my lifestyle... i chose to get here so i thought about deleting this, but i also like to be understood so i'm leaving it: (sorry i ramble on these things, thats basically what a blog is for me, i ramble, but its sooooooo refreshing to me, so thanks, even if you dont really make it through the whole thing, its nice and good and helpful for me!!!)

so today, i was talking about the classes i was taking, and the person was like: 

oh, those are hard classes for abroad,-- most times ppl take dumb things like "wine tasting".... well, yep. thats wha ti've got, and then i have two full days of working, and then meals to be prepared (EVERY meal) and no direct family, but a new roommate rotating in and out that i feel i have to host and be friendly to-- its so hard... its nto the easy peezy life i had at home, nor even compared to the others here-- one girl said that she adn her bf are able to email a lot of little things back and forth and have something for each of them to wake up to.. little thigns (But they keep their communication up so much that they're so connecteD) she says she stays up super late to talk to him... well she also has days off of school, and nto very hard classes and  its just crappy. i hate it. (he also is not in school, doesnt run his own business, doesnt appear to be super outgoing and have lots of friends... so great, for them, but what do you say to two crazy extroverts?) 

i have somethign everyday for classes, work etc. and also have the burden / blessing of choosing my own food... (different than many here, so having a confidant who has a similar situation only goes to a certain degree..)

ha, its great to be enjoyed and liked, but today even, the 2 ladies in my direct office/room said i should come in more often, ha, they like having me around so much-- -well, i'm flattered, honestly... but besides work, i have class adn supposedly friends, and oh yeah, that relationship back home I really want to work... 

like Austin said, and i mean, anyone can say ha, i have said, we didnt date long before we ended up going different directions, but as my other friend, (ha, for better or worse, askign all these friends for advice and prayer (from home) has gotten me in touch with them more often and frequently--- but anyway,) Alexis (MunchEe) told me to remember and also, tell Austin to remember, that God knew this would be this way and that it would be this difficult for us as I got over here... He knew it would be tough and hard for both of us... it's NO SURPRISE for Him... so to trust God, and encourage Austin of the same. We both can trust God... haha , i feel like such a baby girl for writing a huge BLOG (of all things, good grief) about Austin and my struggles hahaha 

ohh geesh . 

I dont know... but pray . please pray. 

I believe Austin and I challenge each other in many, many ways , which is hard and good at the same time. We enjoy each other sooo much, so incredibly much, and are so detailed in caring for each other, and seeking to understand and appreciate the other... but as ppl over here have said, that those small things , those small misunderstandings are SOOOO amplified when you're far apart. it's definitely the ultimate challenge for me right now. 

Also, I read a long distance relationship article online (haha, you can tell its bothering me lol)  haha and I found that 2 factors which are hard for both Austin and me (i would say... i wont speak a complete answer for him, but to a certain degree, i would GUESS that it's not as easy).... but 

1. that "you" need a confidant

---so a person in a ldr (long distance relationship--haha learned the lingo on these websites/researching)... anyway, this person would benefit from another going through the same thing-- i've got some of that-- but spiritually we dont connect and i feel that has a whole 'nother dimension to it... but anyway, i think i can find that more easily than Austin, but on the flip, Austin MAY be able to find those he's known for longer than 2 months who he can relate to in other wyas--- there's benefits to both, so not comparing just acknowledging, and anyway, so thats one thing--- finding a close friend to confide in, share these doubts, fears, etc. (this is where having a friend (or friends) with ldr are nice, b/c when i'll say, don't you get anxiuos about WHY you're doing this... ? then the other will say, yes, i mean, it's hard , its hard to guarantee when you're doubting and scared, but then you level back out and realize your feelings are still true and you know that you enjoy the other, so you can keep going (on my side, that is such such such a blessing--- so many things I might have gotten hung up on or had been doubting- i've been able to talk through-- so easily with so many with teh same thing going on)....   It so so so so helps to know that what i'm going through is NORMAL and expected, miscommunication is easy... even the couple over here who ARE TOGETHER share some of the same battles and they're frickin in BRUSSELS, BELGIUM together-- dont even talk to me about complciations haha..  lol jk, they can . haha, teasing, but anywho, 

so a confidant...

second, to have non-romantic touch

touch can be sooo effective at healing and comforting and making a person feel included...

that is something which i wonder if Austin might be able to find some(more-than me-knowing family, etc. having close friends from yrs past)... but of course, not nearly as much as if he had a snuggle buddy ;}-- and for me, well, 

i get a few hugs? i dont know... i cant significantly think of who i'd touch/hug/ etc... but i know that if i were home i'd be going to a massage (which this site recommended--- it said, that is one VERY healing form of touch--) hmm.. if only i knew where to go , i could do that here and start healing my soul.   

i'm trying to be proactive at areas that are major contributors to the stress on the relationship with Austin (and on me in life in general!!!)... i'm sorry, my parents would say i think too far into this... but if I've already gotten this deep in, i have to use reason/analysis to get OUT of it... i gotta get out. adn i cant just say, "ok, no big deal, make it simple again" haha i wish 'simple' came naturally to me, but i have to process to get OUT and at peace again. :) crying helps !! :=D and thats what it was tonight :) i'm so relaxed nwo and feel so good.. this helped too!

yipes i sound so crazy :(  this makes me embarrassed for Austin to even be associated with me. i'm not totally crazy... :/ 

ok, well, thats my recent analysis, and i'm sorry, for spilling my guts... I hope this is not embarrassing, i mean it only in flattery to my dear Austin Friend at home who I miss so dearly because he is such a great friend and companion in my recent life. ;)  i send my hugs to him, and any of you who read this who may run into him, hug him for me ;-D

thanks to all of you, 

love to all, love you Family, love you Friends-who are so near to me Like Family- i am so blessed to have such a wide and deep circle, you mean the world to me!!!, and thanks to Dear Special Friend Austin ;)

<3,

cnp

Brief i hope..

went to a bar called "Jungle Rhum" last night -- it was sooo cool-- we said it was like a Rainforest Cafe for adults :)

it was really sweet though. 7 euros for a cocktail though, but they had all different kinds of fun flavors... i split a coco loco with darcy and also had one other something... pitt it was called it had champagne, o.j. and grenadine. it was tasty and they all come with lots of fruit on the rim-- such a fun cute place! they had a big bin with potato chips to grab-- a lot of isa kids went and it was soo fun, great american dance music, which is fun to go back to, so we danced some, which was sooo so fun, and then had to make it home on the 12 o'clock tram, we definitely were there in plenty of time,
had a fairly good day at internship today, my supervisor/type woman is gone to baku azerbaijan (which, by the way, i am in process of doing my second draft on an article on azerbaijan) i went to work yesterday and they had a seminar AT our office-- so i sat in on one session, and also was invited by Branka to lunch at the crown palace (hotel) .. it was soo great!! i almost didnt go but im so glad i did!!

i got different cheeses (they always do their moz. and olives or other fancy little garnish type deals) i got this salmon pot pie type thing with spinach in it.. i had cooked pears which were delicious (they had the option of pork/beef something, lamb? , and potatoes with the pears, they also offered rice, tomatoes and these vegetable things that look kinda like tamales ;) --- i feel like Krista could appreciate that <3 ;-D

i also had a little chicken /asian salad thing... like the raman noodle type looking salad (except not ramen) and grilled chicken-- was good, got a FREE meal-- isnt this soooo wonderful!?! andi didnt have eto make it for myself and i was full!! had a little bit of a roll , trying ot think what else.

i had a bunch of fresh fruit for dessert and also a very very very veyr delicious lemon tart (figured i should try each of the desserts ;] )  so i had that (2 x, small portions but boy was it good!) and then i took a sliver of this delicious apple pie tart thing... i ate teh baked pear with it--- those baked pears were like baked apples Mama!!! i miss you!!! i wish i were home to make baked apples :'(

i wish i cuold have gone to the apple orchard with everyone too! ha, there will be other years.. i cant believe im this old already - what happened to me!?

haha (oh and also tried their tiramisu but it was NOT good so i didnt have more thatn a nibble).. didnt even taste like coffee-- their espresso wasnt too impressive either. i was afraid i was goin gto be wayyy buzzed, i didnt feel anything



oh boy, ok anyway, so had those delicious things and it was in a well lit room, lots of windows and it was cold outside, but sunny so that was nice, had an espresso at the lunch, had water with gas (mineral/fizzy) and talked with interesting ppl... there was a journalist (attractive italian guy) who talked some about espresso being teh real thing in (roma) italy... and then i mostly talked with Christina (who work swith me -- from spain) and a woman from sweden 32 yrs old with 2 kids, 1 and 3 at home, (we talked about day care/ 'improvements in society' and women working and oh my!! its 130 euros per month for 2 kids to go to daycare in sweden and they're everywehre! and her hub stays at home , did she say?? i cant reember ... geesh thats crazy!!  and then a cute blonde girl from vienna austria-- she was really sweet- i liked her. i wish i could keep in contact with those ppl and go stay with them haha ;) christina from spain is 29 perhaps? i dont know, older than me and she said shes been datin gsame guy 5 years (haha this is SUCH a contrast from all of the love birds going around back home-- everybody popping 'the question' before we even get done with school... these ppl are sooo different, its refreshing really... although, they're all living together, and it doesnt matter whether you're married or not (in some sense, to these ppl) so whatever.. but, interesting none the less-- i feel most have long long long relationships , ive been hearing 5 a lot, but ill have to keep asking haha

weird world out there! ;)

the austrian girl--
she and i talked about if it were possible to present both sides of an issue at these confereneces.. and i brought up how i didnt know if those attending (the journalists) would maybe not agree with the european commission (the one funding it ) but if they might think more highly of them after they just sponsored their trip, experiences, educatoin etc... i mean, it all makes sense to me, why not recruit ppl in even if they arent of the same background--- the austrian girl said that she doesnt always agree with th ecommission, she's one of the few ithink?? id ont know... Dad, give me some insight will you?? (or whomever)
i was around when they were deciding about who to let apply/select for an upcoming conference/seminar and some could get in, some couldnt, certain backgrounds were favored more highly, i dont know its all very interesting to watch and observe
i love that part of it
i love the international part of it
it was interesting to sit in on that seminar thing-- it was fascinating- didnt know too much cuz i didnt even know azerbaijan was a country-- ha i mean i'd heard of it, but that it is the first muslim country to have been succesfful at becoming a democratic and secular republic, and that it is controlled very highly by the current pres. illham alyiev or something very similar to that spelling...   and this guy was elected bakc to back 2 times but they changed it so he can keep going, and if ppl blog, speak out against the ideas of this 'majority' they may be phsyicallly hurt or put in prison... its intense. so fascinating! look at me! i'm learnign so much-- i could keep going too!! i wish i could go to more seminars!! :/  be cool to travel with them , like how they went to baku .

anyway, had a good day, hung out with Maria (since branka was gone) and she and i talked some about her bf back home, she started dating him at 24 and now is 29, off an on b/c she's traveled a lot and moved away etc etc.... hes in athens and omgoodness!! she's a great contact to have-- -she has a HOME right on the water-- theres a tiny road through a mountain that goes along the beach that separates her from the sand, and mountain on the other side.. its UNREAL in somwhere greece-  i think like an 2- 2&1/2 hoursf rom athens.. i dont know, i love hearing about her culture, the men are always right, correct? and the women are always weclomign warm etc, i think the men too... ? haha Krista, Abby, i cant remember, i think lindsey, andrea were all at your condo Krista in Siesta and watched my big fat greek wedding-- haha that was soo fun, i love florida, i love you girls!!!

<3


and finally , ohh (one mor ething, last night i got dinner provided for too b/c they had sandwiches at the ejc and i was able to have 2 small -- kinda like paninos bread-- yum - and one was veg. and the other proscuitto or something... warmed up the meat one... but dont like that stuff too much so took some of it out... very ncie though.

:D yayGod provides !!! :-D

not going in tomorrow b/c they have a meeting in mastricht (their headquarters) and i will go in on friday after class--
might go try another estaurant on friday! :D i love it
this si the life !! !:-D
i'm sooo glad i started hangign out with skye too
she's refreshingly real and genuine and just super badly wants tso be loved
she's a sweetheart just without a pop and without the love and attn she would have liked.. dear sweet love. :'(


ok, final thought
 i made myself a great meal tonight after almost thinking i was going ot collapse and not make ti home (as i walekd from work)... i had salmon , freshly cooked broccoli, and i even cooked rice and added basil and lemon ;)

yay for me!! hehe thats a full balanced meal, starch, veg, and protein :-D

yay!! i feel good after it too!! yummmm

ok love to you all .
i miss you fam and friends <3 you're so wonderful to me!!

11.10.10 :}

Had a great weekend, sooo thankful i stayed home.
had a fabulous time ....

i am so refreshed.. really tired, but refreshed... my heart is restored in many areas of my life... i feel a bit of :-$ mixed emotion-- could be tiredness... could be awareness that there is more to come...

oh! could be that i got a c on one of my midterms, ha, considering i had the flu quite bad and slept all of sunday last weekend which was night before the midterm, thats not too bad... just surprised...
its all common sense in his class and so i didnt feel it was necessary to overwhlem myself with over studying , i mean, i looked through most things, and i cant get the dumb academic website to work for his powerpoints--- he's using 2 websites, why not just use one?? ugh... resentment towards him and his ways...

and now feeling the pressure to get going on my GE assessment paper--- he said for the midterm we start with zero and have to prove ourselves worthy of points,(whcih i knew theory, but specific words he'd mention on the powerpoint i didnt know exact-- so didnt 'prove myself')  whatever, europe. i'm fine. grades dont transfer , i shouldnt complain. c isnt even bad... but its me, haha and i was just puzzled by it... whatever. sickness, lack of motivation, busy-ness, different grading, lack of clarity, websites not working, whatever.. it didnt go as well as i imagined.

tonight though, i heard stories from budapest and edinburgh, both sounded like the ppl who went had fun... but i'm so glad i wasnt a part of either

sooooo glad


im sad that my neck and shoulder blade are starting to get tingly again from being soo muscle-y tight.

i have recently been so encouraged and had so much fun writing dear friedns and old friends on facebook-- ppl i hadnt talked ot in a long time are now getting reconnected--- i am grateful for fb for once!!! :=D i'm learning to appreciate!! big step!!

went fo ra walk tonight that was nice... internship tomorrow... love that they love me at the itnership, that makes such a difference. i love being loved.

little chris who was with us on saturday was acting quite immaturely (alwasy kinda lacks social skills) and we were showing him how to smoke a cigar, and teaching him how to drink , but to do it socially, the point is not to get drunk, its to have something to sit over and talk ... (at least what we were up to..) and it was frsutrating b/c he just wouldnt udnerstand and then say, "i just dont do it lik ethat, or i just dont ... i just dont... " everything had another excuse on it. i was so frustrated ppl like that, just covering, i'm like grow up or dont be here. i have very little patience (inside) but i was being gentle and teaching him about tasting wine, much like how you could do it for beer, and just sniff and let the flavor , texture roll around in your mouth. get the body of it.... he just wasnt getting it i guess.. but felt insecure. ... this is where i get actually upset


so he goes home and tells him roommate, jackson , that i was drunk . 1, i was definitely NOT drunk. 2, that i was teaching him how to drink, 3. etc etc etc that was so immature

jackson said he knew right away that whatever little chris said was way different thats why he was comign to me for the story, but anyway, i was just aggravated even more hearing that... i felt awful when we were with him, b/c everythign he did , he had NO back bone, nothing of confidence in him... and thats all i wanted for him, i want him to succeed an dnot be pathetic and annoying to everyone he meets, i mean, he's pursuing some girl back home who strings him along and most likely uses him for whatever convenience, he's too good of aheart to not see... its hard... bc/ while i care and feel poorly for him. i also feel burdened and responsible and tooo much.. i have to let it go. but im just like, God, could i just shake him and turn him over and he'd be fine...


ugh


but like we pointed out, and so did little chris... he didnt have a dad
nor any other male figure


ugh. how frustraing
way to go 'dad' you didnt raise your son and now he's the laughing stock/annoyance of everywehre he goes... how heartbreaking... tahts mayb ewhy i feel even wrose.. im heartbroken and frustrated b/c i just want to remedy it and i dont want to see it anymnore-- its uncomfortable for me. i care sooo much about family's being strong and raising kids well... that it sucks to see that.. i hate it i hate it.

:'( grrrr

God, help little chris, help him to be given men who are strong and encouraging and who will direct him to live a better , stronger , positive life. God, i pray you give me patience and mediation and peace and comfort ... Lord, i have no patience, i can only get through on Yours. Take me. and take him . haha take him FAAAARRRR from me, and work, and then help me to be ther efor him and be who You would have me to be. You are not done in me, and not done in my relationship with little chris... God, i pray I give you me. Here i am.


love to all,
thoughts on life... i guess??

Yay for Friday Nights in Brussels

Last weekend, when i think my sickness began. I stayed in. More or less, a girl, Caitlin, and I, went to the grocery and found food. It was great for me to get grocery shoppign done, but I was looking fwd to making our food, then going out and getting a drink somewhere with some of my close friends... she had another agenda. So at 10 o'clock , we decided to stay in. I like more than one-on-ones. I love including more. I have a good time one-on-one's for a while, and to an extent. I  mean, who doesn't need some good quality, focused time where you know the other person cares about you, and you care about them... love it. BUT, on that night, I was looking forward to some exclusive time, and then going out. ANYWAY, i resent that a bit, b/c nights in Brussels are precious and few. and all week, i'd been really looking forward to trying out a new bar/cafe for friday night with some close friends. That sounded like a blast... bummer its missed and gone and over with and i got sick form it. I guess stand up for what i want, i just try to get on the band wagon of the person i'm with as well... hard beig a ppl pleaser, b/c many times i dont regret my decisions to do something i dont really want, but the other does... i sacrifice but end up enjoying it and beign rewarded-- I believe at times, God has a different plan than my strong willed ideas/which i dont actually know better... but there are times, it comes at a cost and it wasnt actually God saying, adjust be flexible, and i actually SHOULD HAVE stood up for what i wanted... anyway, whatever. that was long adn drawn out

ha, I have written much for a while.. flu was awful, i'm kinda suffering a slight cold now i think, but last night was incredibly refreshing and fun and cozy and warm. I lvoed it!! we (Skye and Kelsey ) and I met up at 8 to find a restaurant that was on a list of places to visit that Sabine had given us. It was a fun place for youth she said, and they make everythign with beer. I dont know if I noticed this, but it was good regardlss.  Skye and I ordered steaks whcih came with frites (i asked for bread) they had some weird sausages out as we sat down, and they had candles on every table. It was beautiful. I lovved it, it was a little hole in the wall, very clean, but so small and packed and loud. Very European, wine at many tables, and great food and variety. I've now been to two restaurants on the list. One night a while back, I was meeting with Chris Knowles (whose teh tall chris i mention) he and I were meeting for a group project and he had to relocate homestays for his second time, so ISA said to take him out to eat, Sabine knows i'm the only one without a family, so she offered smae to me and 2 other girls who were around the office. We all went to the second restaurant on this list of 3-4 slightly more expensive category (she has them divided: on a student budget, slightly more expensive, places to take your parents). Mama, papa, i cannot wait to bring you to different restaurants. I just cannot wait for you to be here. Happy Anniversary (early)!! I love you i love you.
Ok, anyway, we tried that restaurant a while back, i got fish (3 different kinds) for 23 euros on ISA's tab. So sweet- with lots of vegetables, and a side salad. It was sooo good. sole, salmon, and another local fav.. i cant think of name -- did i already write this? it feels soooo familiar to me. well anway, 2 of 3-4 on that list, i've now been to-- makes me feel accomplished :)
also found a hair stylist place that i know was on the 'chain' list sabine recommended.. 19 euros for a student hair cut (women)
thast not too bad.. i mean comparable to usa. more expensive than sweet Jan-- mom, send her my love and hugs, and i miss her and i'm taking note of fashion over here for her!!! -- tell her: blazers, stylish shoes, layers, jewelry, hardly any hair coloring, if so, its dyed and not highlighted, lots of heels, guys are sooo stylish- wear cute pants, and dress well. my brother says, "i'm not gay, i'm european" hehe . girls are ALWAYS looking good... there ARE sweatshirts over here, but most common is nicely dressed ppl, not like, a blouse and pants, its like a blouse, with a few necklaces, a scarf, a tank top hanging lower than top shirt, and high heels that accent the necklace, and a ring, and their hair sorta sloppy like a model/bed head... its very interesting. fun to watch ;)  

anyway, excerpt to my hair stylist at home, love her.


ok. so had a good time, we walked around Debouckere- cannot wait for you Tricia, and parents to know where and what i'm talking about-- cannot wait. going to work hardcore on hw today and tomorrow... ill get ready!! :-D  and i hope to also go out again tonight.. oh gross just remembered laundry and groceries ... well, we'll see.. skype date with Amanda tomorrow too!! :-D and any of you others who try to make one with me!!! cant wait.

so anway, had those girls, they and i talked about everythign- it was sweet to share about why i choose and decided to be a virgin, i got to explain it and it went very well-- skye asked if it were personal or relgion basd, i said, well, my morals came from my faith, but I see reason for it... I said, see, by staying a virigin, I don't have to worry about sleeping with the last bf, then the next, and comparing to the last, knowing that it was wayy better. ha, i'm sooo
wow
i'm just.. .haha God has blessed me so much, i love people and it comes from God... but he's also blessed me witht eh ability to WIN people... and he gives me humour, 'cute'ness and whatever else to do that.. i mean wow. my words are powerful and persuasive and convincing.. its INTENSE... to she who was given a lot, much is expected... whew. but anyway,  so, i said, Skye said, dont ever have sex, b/c once you do, you'll just want it more, and they both appreciated my perspective and they were like, man i miss the "wanting" of it, rather than it just always being given, i miss the game of playin ghard to get, etc.
it was reality for these girls and God presented it so well in me to them, it rocked, i was pumped for God.. he stood out last night and i loved loved loved it...

so i said, ive stayed a virgin and I can see why i believe my relationsihp with God would say, dont have sex until marriage, that i will protect myself from always wnating, (relevant to them) , from comparing (also also also verrrrry relevant), for feeling pursued and wanted (and this leads me to my thought this morning....)

i want to be completely irreplacable. i want to be so touching to people, to people i meet, to those in my life, to thos ewho pass by me , that they cannot forget me, that they cannot compare me to another, that they are unable to ever replace me. i dont ever want to be replaced. i want to be valued and remembered and cared for...

last night, with those girls, God spoke, and God used my story, and God shares my heart, He pours it out and my life and what i've been through and the HUGE ways I've screwed up my story, but just become that much more relevant to others... and i share it.

gosh, i love my God, i'm brought to tears at how much He moves through me, I want Him to show up , and i want to be irreplacable BECAUSE of HIM... I rememember talking to Abby Carlson one time about a former guy in her life and how he kept pursuing her b/c he had seen GOD in her, and how attractive that was.. he was seeking and God was who he needed, so how could he not forget her, (besdies all the many, many beautiful qualities she has.... ) just, how much more real and powerful i feel i am when I see its not me at all....



I want to be Beautiful <3  
:}

hmm... thats a thoguht too.. while friday was not my ideal (when i stayed in...) it WAS and DID mean something to CAitlin, so, then again, may not have been what i esp. wanted, God used my sacrfice for this other person, ppl pleasing, to give to her, and give her the kidn of night she wanted and needed so badly... she got to talk abou ther bf back home and appreciated it b/c she says she never gets to talk about him... soo.. if its not me thats benefiting, i pray that these times are ways that GOD can be reaching out and seen....

I'ts a beatufiul sunshiney day and i'm feeling so much better! i'm stlll sooo tird, but i'm soo happy b/c i FELT GOD MOVING through me last night... i know He is, and I know He is with me, but i love lvoe lvoe the 'high' i get from experiences last night, wehre i get to share my faith, and make it relevant, and it moves---- GOD moves... these girls were touched... one has a varying sex life with several bfs/loves.... and the other has her own story with one guy and issues regarding that... i mean, i said, its funny, b/c i'll present my ideas, but they are such a different scale haha

i was like, its not "everything but" in my vocabulary... Skye was like, i have a friend who does everything but, but she's been saving intercourse for the guy she marries... so she understood that, but their mouths dropped hearing my stories... i mean my "bad" , which i still believe is... it has not washed away or dumbed down just b/c i've been with other ppl, my moral scale is not based on this world or those around me, it is based on my convictions with my GOD...
but, i was like, my 'mistakes' as, my faith traditoin goes.. i try to save as much as i can , b/c i know those 'rules' are set befoer me not to limit me but to give me freedom and safety in a marriage someday... i can be fully loved and appreciated and adored (hopefully) with someone who does not have to compare me to some other lover he's had... i know God set up those rules, SO THAT, i could experience an intimate love relationship that would not be in fear b/c of comparison, better expereinces in the past, 'knowing' how to do things, that actually are not how the next person wants it done... i mean,

ugh,  i explained... these things are out of my Chrsitian faith.. that i see it as being to help me, and they both were like, wow, yeah, i can totaly see that. i appreciate that. that's so cool. yada yada...

and the connecting piece...


those girls longed to feel loved




i saw it, i know it.
humans logn to be loved... we long to be 'irreplacable' and to be incredible and great at what we're doing, to be amazing so much so that no one else could ever live up to who we are....

those girls, longed to feel beautiful and loved... and God shared a bit of how i have come to that understanding and realizing that I AM beautiful and loved...
taht i am protected and cared for... this world, those i date, those i love, those i relate to , those i meet, will or may not be from the same life story, but God CAN redeem anyone, these girls, could realize in the next couple months how much they actually could possibly feel and be that way--- in the most unreal way imaginable.. it seems unimaginable to them...


it breaks my heart... we're told we're not worth anything, its so often said over here, there bf will be moody or upset or something and they'll say, i wish he would just shut up, "he'll get sex later" ...

like,

it just breaks me, it breaks my heart.. makes me want to run from a relationship until its completely self-sacrificial on both parts...

b/c its just soo sad, its so sad.  my perspective is , i feel what i've done is wrong, and i know to them, what i've done means nothing, but i am NOT comparing to the world, to others, i am comparing to what I agreed upon with God, and what I want for future hub someday, not for others... and its sad to me for what i've ven done. and them talking to me, it's nothing...

and i know, in the world's eyes, it really is....

but i am not of the world, i am set apart and i wish i could be even more set apart, but i see God using my life and msitakes, i just dont want to keep making them, i want to live apart and free and holy, not untouchable holy... the kind of holy a chapel speaker decorated one time in high school--- about "be holy as i am holy" being about holiness as beign the becoming MORE of yourself-- becoming MORE BEAUTIFUL... b/c as God makes you 'holy" it actually means, YOU, in all your personality and characteristics, etc. are becoming more and more like Him--- why WOULDNT that be beautiful ????



heck yes, i'm ready. i'm His....


ill write more later, i think it'll be  areflective weekend... hope to find somewehre else to explore tonight


love to all

Oh, might i add...

Importing the cheaper merchandise, in this case, my cereal, from another country is hardly worth it, b/c they'll just tax it so it becomes the same as the local brand.
Competition, i just DON'T see the incentive here??  Yes, some, Economics, we're learning about it from Euro perspective, but its nothing like how it is in the States
You'll get sewed over SOMEthing if you don't improve and stay up to regulation-- mmm.. regulations thats something else...
One guy in one of my classes has said out of anywhere he could live, he'd choose America b/c he will see more reward, I was shocked, I was like, yeah, but no one else here says that.
        well, maybe. Maybe they all only know how they've been raised.
This guy was born in S. America or was it the Middle East? I get so confused, definitely knows about 4-5 languages though; he has lived in Brasil (U.K. spelling), multiple countries in Europe, United States, and probably some others i'm missing..
and he's probably about 26/27 ?
But, he's not looking to live over here, maybe for a few years, but he told me he's going 'home' ;)

I am "Proud to Be an American"

:)


hehehe

After paying 5 euro for a box of cereal, which does not even include that there are:
1. FEW, FEW choices (way less competition)
2. "small" sizes (no need to supersize here, there's no space!)
3. Few sales (what? what is a sale?)
4. Taxes up the wazoo on my box, hence the 5 euro for ONE box-- that is nearly 7 US dollars!
                even getting taxed at the cash register in the States WILL NOT cancel THAT out.
5. Did I mention this is for a box of plain jane cereal, nothing fancy like Quaker Cinnamon Toasted Oatmeal Squares which is $4.25 in the USA. This is simple Total cereal, probably 3 dollars in the States, maybe 4

6.. I'm sure there are more, but at this time in the morning 2 am, and regarding my one box of cereal, this is all i have got....


7. don't you worry, we have issues in the US of A but we also have incentive, incentive to lower prices, to work more, because we WILL see reward, here, you work your 35 hr/week and check the heck out, b/c why would there be anything more, and 6 week of holiday makes it hard to think of taking any less when there's no reason to (you arent gonna get paid).. noooo, why would you ever want to move to the States, they don't have 6 weeks of vacation!!?

Ohhh Europe <3   Land of the taxed and "provided for???" hmm...

Snuggles :}

:-D

I'm still feeling under the weather, but i mega appreciate your prayers...

i have yet to overcome the flu, but I did skip my internship and sleep lots which is always a nice thing, and a couple times when i'd wake up I'd roll back over smiling because I knew God was right there with me snuggling me <3  

HOW adorable!! ;)

Hehehe
Ha It makes me laugh just thinking of it... I wouldnt trade that for the world... so thanks for prayers.
The time to feel lonely hasnt sunk in yet (as I have not been alone for too long), but on days like yesterday when I felt awful and exhaustion was there, and my day was ooooh so long and overwhelming and busy, (as Jon's normally are), to come back to (As Jon ALSO does) a home where you are left to your own to fix your meals (as Jon normally skips ;] ) and find entertainment (as Jon normally attempts), or in my case, do HOMEWORK ;{ blah, it is not a welcoming, warming feeling, (esp. after doing that for days upon days, try my brother's situation and do it for years upon years... talk about 'blah')  :'(

So pray for me, but also pray for my hermano, he is probably having to pack up on his mission in Amsterdam, and while none of his conditions sounded very lovely from me describing it, he REALLY did love the type of work he was doing, and he knew he had an influence, although majorly overlooked and discouraged much of the time, he did have good days and loved conquering projects and getting things done that would make a difference, and ROCK at it HE DOES!!!

So anyway, thanks for the prayers.
I know God is with me, I always do, and in writing sad blogs, I am still ever present with God's joy--- thats why I write, thats why I am able to share, because I KNOW without a doubt that MY GOD is an EVERLASTING FAITHFUL LOVING OMNIPRESENT God who will never ever ever ever abandon me, I know and believe and feel that, but one reason for fellowship being something God asks of His followers is so that by fellowshipping, they may be reminded that God is a God of intimacy and relationship, and we are to be experiencing that on earth to remember WHO our God is.... so yes, He meets all our needs, but !!! He meets them through the resources we have been GIVEN by Him on earth! Surprise!!! :-D

That's why (my dear brothers come up in these blogs a lot.. goodness thats sad of me, ha, I love love love love love love my brothers and my heart breaks because I know that they hurt, and they NEED fellowship like I do), but I remember Curt and I talking about how far God seemed after he moved, and it was in a large way due to the fact that he had no friends in the are to connect to, when a person is not connecting to people, it is that much harder to be reinforced that GOD loves him. We can ONLY think in our earthly minds, while God can reveal His wisdom to us, we are yet to be stuck in FINITE, and He is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY bigger than that... so we must not be frustrated when our simple needs arise and we need to meet them. Ok, this is a lot of talking. me ranting hehe... but this is one spot I feel I CAN go deeply about my relationship... maybe that will change.. I have small areas of blurp, but they come at 'opportune' times and arent quite as easily available...
my dear friend Nikki, after I had just written that I wished someone cared when I cried, she called me on skype, and then wrote, when I missed her call, that she was just checking in on me and wished it werent midterms b/c she would definitely be over here taking care of me <3

i know I am loved, and I even thought of her, as part of my explanation (i wrote somethign like, but they all have their OWN midterms, yada yada... ) I know that counts in for a lot of it...

ok, im done , for now...
.-)     <---- teeheehee Hermano Juan that's a pirate ;)

Sick with Flu

Please continue to pray for me.. i do have the flu, im almost 100% positive... i think i'll go to sleep, its 7 pm here and i feel awful. i am going to miss my internship tomorrow but that means i'll have to start making up hours at some point.. i'm frustrated that i cant just let the hours go. i mean, that is to be expected, i just feel overwhelmed, achey, lonely, and sick so it seems all the worse.

I made toast (using a frying pan b/c we have no toaster oven) and bought some apple sauce a few days ago, so i ate both of those things.. i feel awful and all alone

Deandra (my long lost roommate) wrote me about 6/7 letters to read while over here, i was feeling soo lonely, sick and upset last night as i was studying for the midterm i had this morning, that i was about to crash and go to bed, was almost in tears, but didnt end up crying, then i opened the letter from Deandra titled for when i was homesick, and even thinking about it now, i cried then (bawled, more like it) and cry now.

I miss her, i miss any 'family' i have back home in/from Rockford, or in Amsterdam, or in Cincinnati, or in NY, or in minnesota.. i just miss being encouraged and loved and supported.. i miss having the naturalness of going deep spiritually... i feel soo alone, Austin tried to encourage me that i am never alone, that God is always with me, and that is true, and it is encouraging, and it does mean He will provide, but the basic human needs are for food and shelter, then for human contact, a person in isolation cannot survive. I feel as though I am isolated in some ways, I feel achey from this flu but it also sort of feels like the achey-ness comes from the heartache i see and feel around me. I dont have Beautiful friends who are there to be strength and encouraging reminders of who God is... yes, i see God in my surroundings, and where i am at.. i dont deny that, i dont even try to say that I can't grow as much in these surroundigns (if not more) than in the surroundings of having many Christians, but for me, a person who longs to be digging deep, growing intimately close with my friends, it is hard that a chunk of me doesnt get as easily touched, that others around me don't appreciate and see the values I do, and it's sad.

I'm sad for my surroundings, i'm sad for the world. i just want God to take me away for a while.. i just want to be better.. i dont want to keep going like this...


i'm overwhelmed, its midterms week.. i have an econ exam that im nervous for.. i should be fine, but im sooo achey and exhausted. i just want to come home for fall.
Krista wrote on facebook that she'd had a wonderful fall day of family home and Edwards.. i would do anything to have that day right now...

I hope Tricia's coming is even far greater than i ever could have dreamed for my homesickness, i cant wait, and i cant wait for my parents to come. i just want to be with my family. i really just want to be with you family.

...

its good to cry, its just so depressing to be all alone and have no one know or 'care' that you're crying... i know you at home care... but you don't see, you aren't here.. you can't hold me. i just want hugs and touch and love and to be known. i know that ppl here care, they feel bad, but they dont want to get sick, they have their own midterms, theres so much else on their minds...

this is the kind of time that all 'you' really want is your mom... ;'(

i hate that i just want to come home... i mean i know ive said 100 x how i knew this would be the case, but i feel it soo intensely, and i know, looking back, it will be, well i made it through and there were a lot of good times, but fresh yr at college was hard, it was a lot of tears and wanting to be known and deep and loved, and not finding it like i hoped... this is much like that experience...

im not saying im NOT privileged and blessed and enjoying parts and many many moments of this... but im just  in want of human love and care...

to have an interim trip over here, traveling through x amt of countries, or even what you , mom and dad, did for the summer when you met, that keeps you busy, constantly lookign to the next thing, plus you had christians, but to be in the situation im in... its everyday life, and independence and alone-ness having to speak french (or smile and nod, as seems to be what i do) and lack of so much 'family' type friends... that its extremely hard..

i guess ill be done for now..

i (we) have a trip scheduled for budapest this fri-mon... whcih means i will not be getting much sleep, i will be go-go, and then come back and have to do a ton of hw before Tricia arrives the 27th of oct...

as i did for luxembourg and the other trip, i will probably take a while to update on cologne, but i do plan on doing that at some point...

goodbye for now, love cnp

...

I think i have the flu.

Kohn, Germany To be Continued

Ill try to write (while at internship) or sometime around then... I would love to fill you all in.. i had a great weekend. worn out, but recovering from my cold.

had a greeeatt night with the "roommates" (thanks for all the prayers-- i feel them and know God is working and moving) i'm not nearly as homesick, i feel mostly good here. i just need to focus down on studying and SLEEPING and i should survive!!
;)

love,
cnp

While I Was Without Internet

Watched some of “Sweet Home Alabama” as I ate dinner, it was nice. J I mixed red wine with my fish, a no-no in culinary, but it tasted good anyway. Finally felt like I had a filling dinner. Think the fish I bought might have been catfish, but it was very mild and just had a few wispy bones in it. I also boiled a pan with fresh broccoli and had a little bit of the leftover soup from last night. The olive oil leftover from the fish tasted good with my broccoli J

Dad, we should watch this movie again sometime too!

Saw the line with the grandpa being asked about Melanie getting married, and him replying, “Never hearrrrd of herr” as he shakes his head and it reminds me of my little Abigail Carlson when we used to recite that line…. Then I watched the scene in Sweet Home where Melanie is in the graveyard saying goodbye to her dog that she missed saying goodbye to.

Jake still loves her, and that was the romantic part that always got me in this movie, they are sitting looking at the lightning bugs and he has to move away b/c he still loves her <3 sappy emotional haha.. so romantic. He believes in her, he says, he’s proud of her. And he wishes her well at her next marriage. But then when she says she can’t do it, he pulls her back and says he knows, and then she moves in to kiss him. They kiss for a minute, and he pushes her away… the long held passion gets me every time . haha. Darcy was right when she said I’m a passionate person, and she knew it right away being around me, how does that come out? How do people know that?  Ha, I mean I am, but I didn’t think it were that evident. <3 haha, Aunt Debbe, is this the kind of romance a romantic heart would like?? (Maybe you need to have seen the movie) ;)

I love this movie…  “Do we know, Moe?”  awww they love each other… ha the ending on the beach is cute, and then the cop who shows up and their responses are lame… but I love the beach scene in the rain and I recognize its cliché but they don’t act it out as lame cheesy as it could be… and they pull it off being completely romantic <3 mmmm… love it =)

But slow dancing to sweet home Alabama?? I don’t think that works… hehe

Ok, my thoughts on sweet home Alabama… cute I remember this one in the van coming home from football games. ;)  

Think im going over to Darcy’s again tonight, but I think she’s legit having ppl over for games, and I gotta do hw, so I’m deciding whether I should do hw here first, then go over to finish it, or what? … Kirstin has the same hw I do, (she’s over there) so perhaps I do it with her too/avoid the ppl and games.

Wow, ok, so I was sitting in our kitchen, not motivated to do homework all by myself, unsure of what to do next, and then, Julia came in. She and talked about what plans were, lack of internet, etc. and processed externally what I needed/should do. Then I decided (after I had talked outloud—processed externally-haha makes me think of Krista everytime, as she ALWAYS teases me about that haha ) I love you Krista… anyway, after processing, I realized I should read my assignment due tomomrrow morning with the group BEFORE going over to Darcys and once done I would go out to the atm, and walk with my weights, and then come back up here, should pack (I just realized) and then go over to darcy’s for econ, use my computer over there for econ, then come back, shower/bath, and sleep! b/c tomorrow’s going to be crazy.. goodness didn’t realize all these details…. I’m such an external processor, I can’t help that though, its just better to identify and then get better at turning to the right source. I feel so much mor eproductive talking to someone, haha now, this, reminds me of you Dad, and how you said I’d be a “difficult” wife some day because I would expect to talk a lot hahahaha, aw papa. Ha, Mom, and Dad, I remember calling home fresh yr just to process externally and then hang up… geesh, you got stuck with quite the external person, you poor introverts ;) I love you.

Ok, back to work, but my point of writing this was the striking energy/difference I felt while Julia was in the kitchen preparing her dinner, I felt motivated and energy to work (we weren’t even talking at that point) and I was working hard, and focusing, but then, she left and I instantly felt the energy run away. I got distracted and lost my focus. I am not internally motivated, I need external… reminds me of all the friends I dragged to do homework with me ;) Ha, I think of Austin because I remember him thinking it was funny how I tried to do everything together, but I just do so much better WITH people, just the problem was Austin and I would laugh too much ;)

Hehe Oh, last year was fun. I think of Emily and Jenn (and sometimes Theresa or Sonja) in my room doing homework with me… man, those were good times. I enjoyed those friendships so much, and they were sooooo what I had prayed and longed for. How wonderful! Nami and I did homework at times too—but we were not as often, we were more hug before bed and catch up on the hard times type friends. I love my Bethel family. The number may be small, but you all are wonderful (D, you are not forgotten, I loved living with you, too, even though you and I wouldn’t sleep much either!) ha. Ok, done. Back to work… love, your little extrovert cnp <3

at Darcy and Rebecca and Kirstin's , have to do my econ homework..

haha Not so Brief (on my last blog)

Smokey Puh.. (and Travel Adventures)

Brief...

but going to Cologne (Kohn) tomorrow as soon as I get out of class--- going with just Nikki (perhaps Caitlin) but not planned with her... and we're going to go on a Rhine River boat ride, and go to a local brewery for the local beer... going to pick up groceries so we dont spend as much on food... going to a spa for 2 hours , going to walk along the Rhine, and coming home Saturday night. We're taking the train. It should be really nice...

I was using the internet at school, as I have been disconnected from the outside world, except for my internship Tuesday, and last night at darcy's for a couple hours... I have internet access at school, but feel sick from standing around too much smoke w/smoking ppl and going to go home and maybe go for a jog, then eat my dinner adn go to Darcy's after a bath and be able to do hw and use computer...

trying to update on travels since those are the parts i've skipped the most

luxembourg was fun 2 or 3 weeks ago?? or whenever that was-- we left saturday morning and returned saturday night and had 3 hour train rides there and back with very few ppl on the trians, so i was able to sleep a ton in a seat by myself, i could spread out... brought hw and didnt end up doing any of it, but we walked around a ton, saw the city, it was beautiful with a bunch of hills, and valley with water, different than good ol flat belgium, and we got gelato (i got it 2 x in one day ;] ) and ate a picnic dinner of bread, cheese, tuna salad, tomatoes, apple, etc. at a park we'd walked around in during the day. tehre was a pretty garden with flags of luxembourg, and not very happening town until we walked more into the center, there was a castle, the royal palace, etc. but nothing toooo hugely monumental, but super relaxing/fun, and the center had aton of cafes with lots of ppl whcih was veyr entertaining and exciting, very european feel and we definitely walked around that little city enough times to see it a couple times...it was fun, and just 5 of us went, darcy, rebeccca, darcy's bf , my housemate, dan, and corey (dan's friend from rutgers) .. that was a perfect nubmer/perfect group... noticed dan's sort of critical -ness and complaining, that was hard, and rebecca and i talked a lot.. fun to get to know her more.. seh's definitely a go go go dont stop and she said her bf at home is much like that.. it was fun to be walking go go with her, but hard too, there was a sweet little park before we went for food at night, and it was filled with beautiufl flowers, statues, and a pretty fountain, and i thought, wow, this would be a nice spot to just sit and enjoy creation, just be in the moment, bu twe didnt really have the opprotunity, whatever, it was sweet, i thought if Austin would have been there (as rebecca and i were comparing guy stories, she said Jeff is go go like her, and they'd be non stop, not wanting to miss anything) i could understand some of that, but at the same time, by rushing to the next thing TOO much, you dont have a chance to enjoy what is currently now... so, i thought, well, Austin and i could be that way, but we enjoy so much more enjoying what is around us... like sitting in that park for half an hour, and perhaps missing an extra walk past (this old ppl's home that we thoguth was a castle lol) it turned out to be a retirement home haha.. funny to see all these old ppl in wheelcharis and walkers when we thought we were approaching a castle hehe... no offense ;)
but it was fun, us girls had a good time too, b/c we walked into acouple cathedrals, and one of whcih was about to get ready for a wedding-- so romantic, and we were excited, rebecca is sort of a more stoic persoanlity and SHE was even excited which i did not expect, so we enjoyed talking about how all little girls love weddings, funny cuz our chaperone boys thoguth we were ridiculous and annoying...  ha we were walking some more and found a lookout point, which was beautiful, with a lovely church below, and trees in a canopy like setting and a bride nestled between the brnaches, it was right along the water, and just beautiful temperature and day... we all talked about how lovely and perfect... it was fun...
us girls talked about the girls we would have in our weddings someday, and compared what were things we cared about,, darcy had every detail figured out, which did not surprise me, and rebecca had her best friend and (sister, it hink) picked out, but all she knew was that she wanted to look beautiful , she did not even use the word beautiful, she said, she wanted to look good, and pretty, but i hope she knows, she IS beautiful, and of course would look it and BE it... but anyway, that was fun to talk of... and hear these girls' hearts.. bc however judgmental i guess i just thought that marriage was not something idealized, and i guess it is through out america not just in private, liberal arts colleges... ha , gotta love it right?
so, anyway, i asked, why do you think all girls like weddings, and they responded, well, i think its that its like the happy ending to the fairytale, and i was so shocked to hear that, b/c to me, it sseemed that wihtout any hope (as rebecca in past conversations has mentioned she'll be the gma who's been married 40 years and still saying that "he could leave anyday"... in those kidns of attitudes and frailty of commitment and lasting relationships... how could it be idealized?  but yet it still is... I just take that as SUCH a meaning of HOPE!! God can reach these hearts, b/c He can speak through me, through ANYONE who is willing to share about the amazing joy and change He can make, but this leavse me to compare christians to normal joes in the marriage/divorce statistic.. and it doesnt help me prove my point that God can change.... thats pitiful and sad... Lord, change the hearts of Christians, help them to fight, and not give in,give up, move on... Lord, give perserverance, and radical love. RADICAL love... ugh, the partner coudl be the enemy, God, change the hearts of the partner who is acting as though he/she is the enemy... Man, what a depraved world, and Christian world... theres not much to say, .... i mean it is reality... it is what is current ... ok, anyway, it was fun to see this wedding, the happy couple greeting everyone (and we talked about how exhausted the 2 must be, how excited, but exhausted... and it just made the wedding seem that much more empty if God were not a part of it... i mean, how much more of a whole there is... those two have to face all of their challenges thinking they're fighting "alone" or with the help of family, etc... but STILL, to me, a FAITH in GOD and a RELATIONSHIP so intimately close... I want nothing other than to have God be the One I'm getting closer to... yes, someday someone, but He is the One I love the most... Hmm... weddings... still fun and dreamy and romantic and joyous AND a bit bittersweet, but beautiful none the less... anyway, Papa Pack, no worries, i'm not planning any eloping ;) haha as you always said to do, i would never dream it .. i love you Daddy. You will always be my first <3    I love you!!!

the next day (weeks ago) we went to gent, and that was an idyllic castle, quaint town, it was cloudy to begin, which fit the castle setting, and it was intense seeing the castle, with its torture chambers and explanations for how torture was done.. gross! and we then waited for our walking tour guide and walked around noticing the different things (like cured ham) .. interesting how nothing is done to it, but it is ok to eat, they also told us how the place we were in was made by monks with wood that had been salted and soaked, so it did not collect spider webs-- how interesting! we walked around some, had a break for lunch at some point, and found a little spot, for 4 euros got a huge bowl of soup with a nectarine and 2 little pieces of bread-- it was fantastic i got pumpkin soup and it was fun too.. sat outside and the girl who helped us was nice... saw pretty flowers and they have a sweet little canal that goes through the city, then ened up going on the canal on a boat ride, and that was enjoyable, but we had a tour guide that we couldnt understand, nor hear, so missed out on that part of the boat ride, i rested, most otehrs did as well.. the sun was out for that part which was absolutely wonderful...

amsterdam was absolutely wonderful last weekend .. i met jon's friends, and got there friday night aroudn 8 , he had pizza ready, i loved lvoed loved that the ppl volunteered english to me befoer i even asked... .. i think i might have written that.. had to switch trains so was later than usual, stood in the train station in brussels waiting for 40 minutes to buy a ticket, so deifnitely missed the train i had treid for an hour earlier than when i actually took off, but it all worked out, i enede up being able to go outside and walk around Brussels center and get a phone credit card from a mobistar guy who filled it up right away for me--- soo wonderful, what a blessing and founda great street with lots of activity for a friday night and ppl out and aobut everywehre, warm weather, sun shining, it was beautiful, saw some statues i hadnt been by before and fountains, and enjoyed my free time, thenalmost almost bought a Magnum ice cream bar (for those of you who can appreciate ;] ) and for those who cant, Tim Ramgren my old youth pastor introduced us i think, on a youth group mission trip my going into? fresh yr of high school (mexico, juarez) and loved them, then in high school when we came to france and spain we enjoyed them some more, as i was with Krista and ATP ;) and Liz who had also gone on the trip with Ramgren. It was fun to have them there, and then when I went back to Cancun with Emily this last spring I got one there with her Grandma and that was great (Abuelita), I forget if Em is a part of this blog emailing, but if she is, or if she is not, someone in Minnesota, will you tell her hello and hug her and send my love to Abuelito y Abuelita ;) Gracias ;)
Anywho, didnt actually get one, but they have these new magnum creations which aare doubly coated and doubly rich that i plan on getting before i come home. Parents, you have no idea how happy and encouraging it is tha tyou're coming, and how romantic, you've been married 40 years and met here in Europe-- i lvoe it.

you have no idea...

I love you both.

Anywho, got to Jon, was sooooo sooo soooo ohappy to hug him. I needed that SOOOO badly and then we sat and ate our pizzas, very yummy, fun and enjoyed talking, comparing horror stories and joyous stories from our weeks (we'd both had ahard weeks) and it was absolutely WONDERFUL.. that right there made the whole trip worth it... but it only got better
soo we got  home, cant remember what we did that night... maybe went to sleep at some point, the next day, slept in late late and enjoyed doing that, then thougth about a big day and decided against it, so took 2 bikes (one of which he'd just gotten for FREE from a man who redoes bikes and he called up Jon to ask if there'd be any use for2 mountain bikes, as he is never able to sell them over in europe) and jon said he had room for one, so he took it and we used it,Jon fixed my gears so that it worked SO much better going up hill, as it had been tooo loose and i needed it harder, so hebent a couple things and made it wonderful, we biked for 1 hr and half maybe? and then went to a place he'd been wanting to try for a long long time that had burgers, he got a big cheeseburger special and i got a chiken burger, he wasnt thrilled.. i enjoyed mine though, and i got a bacardi blossom, he got a long island ice tea (as the last time we ate at hard rock cafe we both had long islands) but his was almost compltete alcohol --pretty gross and mine was strong, but with a litle squirt of orange it was mostly drinkable... didnt even feel much whcih was strange for how much alcohol but it was fun to go out, and try someplace he'd been really really wnating to try fo ramerican burger, he didnt like his much for the price he paid, so too bad, bu ti lvoed my sandwich as i feel its hard to make msyelf a full rounded great meal, but that was fun, biked back (ohhh found a winter coat before going to eat, and also some really cheap jewlery but didnt make it back there before it closed--bummer-- but oh well,, and the coat is great! i'll definitely need something warmer, as i keep buying things over here haha but its getting colder and colder than i expected.. so sweden and here are needing something ehavy duty--- ncie i found a great deal 39.95 euros and talked to 2 girls who were also looking at thhe coat, Jon doesnt quite have the "dad" expertise on giving advice to a woman on coat shopping haha so i thought i'd ask someone else for their opinoin and let him be free... the girls said, the price was great, i was righ tin saying it fit a little bit funny, but overall i think its fab and great great price... so i'm very happy.. glad i got it.. and it was fun to talk to them i thanked them many times over for tlaking to me in englihs.. they were sweet and it was fun to make some new "friends" us americans use that word so easily but i dooo feel that way... so i'm not stopping
ha
teh clerk was very helpful to me too and told me it looked good on me as i had been trying it on a couple times and comparing it with another coat, so that was also very nice (in english) and i appreciated and thanked her and encouarged her english skills as well (she told me they werent very good--- i was soooo grateful she was willing to try !!) gosh i love love love Holland compared to Belgium

they are willing and ABLE to speak english... man, that makes suuuuch a difference.. these nasty french.. grrrr!
on our way home from the dinner restaurant we ran into Nadia, another one of Jon's friends, so she biked home with us.. that was great, and we had fun, we picked up Jason cat from teh schoool (as he gets his days outside there) and we walked home, that was nice, i could have walked around some more that night and gone to get ice cream, but it was good, and jon and i watched the previous bears game ! :D and watched the movie "abandoned" that was good too!! it was super fun i loved it loved it

we had wonderful relaxing, chill, but super fun times, goodness i lvoed it i love my big brother!!! and the big brother who was not there :'(

nice to be with family for the weekend, went to church the next day and that was very nice, great applications (i thought) jon never thinks so, but i remember it taling about being a "missionary" more or less in your world God has called you to.. and i thought this couldnt be more perfect, to find contenetment and be used--- so here i am God,... that was fun good
and we went to church/biked and bumped into Laura who is also from teh states, she and jon and i bike,d had fun doing that, and talked, caught up.. laura's a wheaton grad as well so they have that connection and then shoot cant remember her name, but dark hair, french mother, american father, wheaton grad, went on a date with dutch guy, well anway, she was there with us biking home, and met a few others at the coffee/reception time, like cute little sweet Olga from teh Ukraine. she's soo adorable, huggy, precious giggly...
and anyway, laura and martina? and i went to a dutch place in the "bos" the forest/park that Jon and i had biked through the day before.. and seen a bunch a bunch of homosexual couples-- so internesting so normal... anywho, we liked it i got a savory pancake , thin pancake but heavy ingredients and had bacon and cheese inside and stroop (strope) on top ... it is like a molasses syrup-y thing... it was very yummy and flling .. glad we got to go out b/c i knew i wanted and needed food... Jon too...
so that was nice to be with teh girls, we talked culture, christians, violence being bad over here, versus sex/nudity being bad over in the states, but my comparison is tha tviolence cannot exactly be put on a billboard that ppl cant turn away from, nudity can, so in my , "my worldview seems slightly less overt" way, i thought STILL nudity is different, but i dont know, its true statues on old famous buildings are all nude, so who the heck knows....
anyway, great weekend, Jon got news that his church Blanchard at home wont be able to support him so that was hard to hear, and means Jon's probably got to come to the States for good... that'll be hard... but anyway, that is something I ask you to prayer for as well-- where he goes, what he should do, the ppl there at the moment... etc.

Rough times, but Jon and i went fora wlak before i left, which was very nice, picked berries (as he loves to do) and had the last of the season perhaps, and then he took me to schipol airport to take the trian, he helped me right on, and i almost cried saying goodbye to him.. it was sooo nice to be with family and my brother and spend time together, i wish i could have him here for a little.. makes me that much more grateful Tricia is coming, and my parents.. .God has provided SOOOOO much for me, I am SOOOO thankful. God YOU ARE GOOD!!!!!!!

ok, the end.

Under the Weather

Here's my downer thoughts I wrote to no one in particular on a Word document, as I had no internet the last two days. I will not have any until Friday, and by that time, Nikki and I will be headed to Cologne for a night, and then back saturday night. It should be nice, adn we are going to a hot spring, so that should be HEAVENLY for my muscles--- theres a hot spring visit planned for Budapest too (and if i'm not mistaken, i think Bethel does that in Ecuador as well? )  :-D
My muscles are soooo incredibly tight, I’m exhausted. I’m sick. I caught Martina’s cold. I have such a sore throat, very little food, I need to go to the grocery, (whcih i did, and i walked in the warm weather which was heavenly)...
 I need to do homework, (which i am over at Darcy and Rebecca [and Kirstin's] to do AND use their internet-- hallelujah!!) but all these things are soo much, I need sleep and I have no internet to communicate. It is hard. I don’t like it. I want to communicate. (so i used Word, walked to grocery, ate dinner, hung out with Martina---she's a complete blessing wish she were here til i leave but she leaves the middle of next month, i think).   I considered Italy--little did I know, they don't speak very much English at all--they are very kind and hospitable though, and I love Martina , so who knows... (living in Italy I'm referrign to... ha) Maybe Holland, or the UK or some other largely english speaking countries would be better. I can't take this French superiority nonsense though.

I love you all at home, and I just want to coem home. PRAY for me, PRAY I have a complete change of heart. I know God is not done with me, and there is much growth to be done in me. i'm excited, but this a bit of the current heartache. I love not being overwhelmed with constantly having to host ppl/be with ppl, but there is a lack of being around ppl that causes strain and stress in me. Not sure what all this "blog" entails... but here it is:

I have decided that Tram rides can be soooo oppressive and depressing to me, that instead of allowing it to have room, I have started to wonder how others deal with it, and headphones are in many peoples’ ears. I was thinking that might help, but romantic sappy music might just make me feel bad as well.  So, I thought of Christian music, but as the whole world might know, maybe not, but it starts to all sound the same, it is sort of a hard thing to turn on. I don’t know. I’m just at that spot right now, so forgive me. BUT, I thought, I need truth being spoken to me, and I have no books of the Bible on my ipod, but I do have John Ortberg, and he includes some truth within his writings, so maybe that would be uplifting, then I decided that would definitely be uplifting and that is what I will do from now on. The only prayer request is that this means I don’t lose my ipod (i.e. someone steal it). But I pray that is not the case. I need prayer for this sickness.
I feel nauseas, sore/sharp throat, nose draining, muscles aching throbbing and making me feel even more nauseas. It’s not good… :-/

Have a trip planned for Cologne (Kohn) on Friday, not sure but I hope Nikki is looking into the bus, its about half the rpice of the train, and in this case, it would mean we wouldn’t have to show up ultra early to the train station to buy our tickets, she would be able to get them online.

I need to withdraw more money to give Darcy the money for Budapest. I hate that I got sick, but it makes sense. Martina has been sick all over the place, and I have not been sleeping much. I just hate it. I hope this changes me.

People always tell me, just start going to bed earlier, force yourself. But they don’t see or understand that I feel poorly when I’m already “behind” I hate being behind. I love being ahead. I think my whole family might be this way, and probably many others in the world, but if I’m already behind, lets say hw, which is true in my readings, well kind of. But anyway, if I’m behind, then I feel even worse about catching up and almost DON’T do it because I’m procrastinating “facing” the feelings of being behind, pressured, stressed, anxious, and needing to get things done. SO, I distract myself doing anything else but this homework that needs to be done. Homework and sleep, I don’t know what else, but they both follow this pattern. It’s very frustrating, I need to face that and just do it.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Lunch Surprise :)

I made a cheese sandwich this morning (with my dijon mustard --little bit of "kick") and my wheat bread and the lt. gouda cheese i have.

Then at internship I sprinkled oregano on it and sprayed a little olive oil on one slice of bread-- it was absolutely delicoius :-D

Yesterday I used a can of tuna fish and drizzled a little olive oil and put oregano and onion on it, and that was also delicious-- i love trying and BEING successful at things. It makes my WHOLE day good-- last night when I was cooking I was soo happy b/c i had been successful and enjoyed the food I'd tried and was enjoying making the dinner and using the ingredients I had. I used up my chicken (so that I would have leftovers for today and tomorrow) and put fresh onions, mushrooms, and carrots in it with olive oil in the bottom (with sprinkled onion and ground pepper) and then added some more of those seasonings along with ginger and red wine vinegar... it was very good. I ate my dinner last night over lettuce (to use up) and put a little of that non fat sour cream on it. It was de-lish.

:-D So proud and feel soo accomplished when I can make healthful and GOOD food. Even though I was tired, it was very nice, and I didnt starve before I ate lunch. Man, I love good food.

I get to run an errand today, taking a packet to an office down the road. That's exciting! ;] Get to go out in the sun. and fresh air!

Sorry so many posts-- haha I'm making up for lost time ;)

P.S. (Ecuador blog)

I just looked at what I wrote to "Mama" and I wrote (such as comparing 2 cent difference in prices....). To clarify it SHOULD have been:  "such as MAKING BIGGER DECISIONS THAN comparing 2 cent difference in prices...."

good clarification I think ;)

Distraction Number 2: Ecuador/Galapagos Islands

http://www.lonelyplanet.com/ecuador

Wow, please. 


WoW.


How would I not be excited to get through this semester and to the next thing.

I MUST focus on the now. I must enjoy it. I just don't love working-- ha-- as Jon said when I visited Tyndale, he does not see me in an office job sitting in front of a computer non-socially. I have to be busy. I can't stand this kind of work, I need movement and action. Let's go change the world, not sit behind a computer and write.

hehe eek...


But Ecuador--- ohhh my heart throbs... they say that January is a great beach time. I cannot cannot wait. WOW! I had totally forgotten about that trip- but NOW, I just have sooo much to look forward to. God has given me bountiful blessing after blessing. I must count them and be grateful, even IF I am not totally thrilled with my current situation, hopefully it teaches me patience, contentment, and to REST. Hmm... definitely things I should learn. :) 

It's hard to be "missing" things.. such is the reason I do not sleep very often, I hate to miss things. I must learn that God has me in a specific place for a reason, and if He has put me there, He must know what I need and where I am to be, and I should shut up about "missing," I am such a difficult person. Good grief. I would trade anything for a simple mind.

Haha, Mama, I miss talking to you soooo much. I wish we could talk on the phone!! I think of how you told me when you were my age you used to think about soo many things, but then realized your time would be spent much better doing other things (such as making bigger decisions than comparing 2 cents difference in price for a can of tuna at 2 different grocery stores). I appreciate your wisdom soo much, and your listening ear to my many, many thoughts and concerns. I love you and I just wish I could be at home with you to stay up late and talk and laugh and go grocery shopping ;)
It would be wonderful to go to the apple orchard with you all in 2 weeks... thats also disappointing, I guess I just said I should be grateful for where I am, but how I function is to acknowledge the other, then move onto the next--- so it is amazing that I have a chance to go to Cologne this weekend (I'm just tired, so the "known" and "comfortable" sound so much more appealing). ha. Tiredness is my enemy but i do it to myself.

Must learn.

Thoughts of what Bethel will be like directed my mind towards internship... I wonder if I do go up North before Ecuador, if I should try to schedule some internship interviews, and how I should bring stuff up there, if we move some stuff into a supposed dorm room I'm going to have.

Sorry thoughts that many of you dont need to know, this is becoming a somewhat to do list for me and my family... thoughts and to do's in the future... goodness life is busy.

Thinking of Abby and her new married life-- how strange that must be too! Hope you're doing well Lovely!! It is so fun to remember your special day by looking at all the pictures on Facebook-- i love it. (to myself: i have to remember to unload my camera onto computer--it didnt work last time).

Ok, I'm sure there will be more thoughts flowing later today. I should set a limit/goal, once I get done with reading these other articles on Foursquare and tie into MY article how journalists will find Foursquare to their advantage, I will be able to do something of my own choice ;)

Love to all,
carolyn

One Month Down, Three to Go

I started to write, and thought about writing several times. I may update later today (as I am at my internship and seem to have opportunity to distract myself, but I wanted to say a couple words, because I feel bad not documenting).

I feel that I've had a great month, and I'm ready to come home haha. I knew all these things would happen, I mean I know myself well enough to know that I would struggle with culture, struggle with lack of Christians, struggle with exhaustion and values and belief, struggle with exercise, food, etc.

But things are always more intense once you are ACTUALLY going through them. I'm still grateful to be here, I know God has a purpose for me here in sooo many ways and He's growing me adn challenging me in many, many ways. I love that I may and will be made more like Him, but I'm tired.

I'm very tired. and it would be nice to come home and sleep. I'm ready ;)

ha.

Counting down the days til you come Tricia, (5 weeks?) and I'm able to distract myself. I will be so busy in the upcoming weeks, it will be hard, but good. I just have less motivation getting homework done because I'm so exhausted by the end of the day and there is no where to do my homework but in my small (everything in one) bedroom. I would love to be able to do homework during the day. The morning/afternoon is most productive for me because I feel accomplished when I can get things done BEFORE people start asking to do things, but when I havent had many days of being able to do nothing, (none really), I start to not be as productive if I were given the daytime. So far thats not even something to worry about, because I don't see ANY real free time in my upcoming future, but I pray and ask you to pray that I sleep more.

It would improve soo many areas of my life.

Amazing that I'm over here, amazing that I'm able to travel. It just stinks that I'm already burnt out. Gotta put some more gas in the engine ;)

Love,
cnp

Culture shock?

I may be slightly depressed.. 

and definitely anxious. 

the world turned soo hectic and so quickly. Every area of my life this week got 10 x more stressful. 

It was like one night shifted to a week of getting up only to find things not working, not feeling well, being overwhelmed. and I know this is spiritual, 

but I feel so buried, I'm not sure how to come on top. 

This is probably what my brother(s) write about, and I'm sorry for it for them. I'm sorry that we all get trapped under these heavy rocks. Everyone does. I'm sorry for that. 

I write this to ask for prayer, and to update you (as you may, or may not, have noticed, I havent been writing everyday, and never did write about my weekend that was so fun to Luxembourg and Gent. But, know that it was great. I had a good time with friends and trying different things, seeing different places. There was good food, and good conversations. Good reflections, and good friends and times to catch up. I took lots of pictures, and was happy for it all. 

God provided today when I was starting to feel super anxious, overwhelmed, and as though I would never make it through in Econ, I talked to a couple girls and said, do you know what "x" is? and they wre like no, i said, "oh good; i felt like i was the only one" they told were lost everyday. 

I remember in chapel one time, it being discussed that one of the devil's biggest lives is to make people feel they are all alone in something. 

I miss having Christians to go deep with. 

I love the friends here. I love getting to see other backgrounds and people. I love spending time with them, I just wish I had someone to also reflect on culture with and discuss positives/negatives... 

tonight, I walked home talking to Darcy about a billboard (or 2) which have been displayed very publicly in train stops (big posters) ... the most recent one from a couple days ago is of a woman with everything on one side of her exposed, except for a thin purse strap covering her nipple--- sorry to be graphic--- but think of living here. 

its so interesting, b/c to me, this gets into a whole slew of issues-- i think of all the men in my life, brothers, Austin, Dad, and all the men in everyone else's lives, and I think, is everything so numb? 

I mean, so DArcy and I talked aobut how sex is sooo blown up in the USA, by that i think she meant, ppl encourage sleeping around etc etc, (not exactly sure what she means... but i think i got the drift) and she said how she wants to sleep with only one person (who at the moment happens to be her bf she intends to marry...) 

but, point is, she also felt that this billboard was too riskay, 

the billboard seemed so overt in selling whatever it was selling to humans... i mean, in ads in a magazine ok, you can flip through, there is not much to do but notice thing billboard at every corner... there are also billboards of 4 women (of various races) with very slim, tall, lanky bodies who EACH have their hands raising their shirts up in provocative wyas.. i just thought of how much this has polluted my mind in a week , how much its subtle message about what is beautiful, what is sexy, what I am NOT, is presented... and I am frustrated by this. Europeans may be very accepting to nudity, etc. but my rebuttal to this is where did the secrecy, mystery, wonder and curiousity go? i mean even if its in a secular way, and humans are drawn to sex, nudity, etc. still, isnt there some decency in thinking that this be more personalized and intimate?  

this seem sooo raw, unoriginal, public, inauthentic, idealized... 

what woman would ever compare to a billboard that has been posted all throughout brussels and also photoshopped, digitized by a staff of 10 working on making it look just right... 

im discouraged a lot by this.. it may be a huge part of my discouragement.. 

i feel so distant .. so distant from sanity.. from encouragement... from Christ...

no matter who you run into , they seem to be smoking, the girls always seem to be appearing as though they have never had more than a piece of celery for breakfast, lunch and dinner, ha ok exaggeration, but its everywehre, Europe has been sooo idealized in America, at least to some, about their advancements socially, etc. but what happened to all the Christians taht "were" here ? Where did God go in this society? Is He even over here? How and where can I find Him??

;'( 

Ha, I've brought up the billboard to a couple friends, and wonder if the art/statues tie right into the "commonality" of nudity-- they've both brought up that its just normal here, but I dont know if i WANT it to be normal... i think its Beautiful being hidden and secret and treasured and not made like any other flower on the street.. maybe thats just the way it is... and I will never understand b/c its my own worldview... I can appreciate this worldview-- i mean i can get it.. im just lost in whre and how God sees it? Does He want a woman's breast to be as common as a cat on a kitty litter ad? 

I dont know.. thts where I'm left.

Ha, I knew when I even suggested coming abroad--- these would be the kind of mental debates I'd be having... 

boy does it stress me out and cause stress on allllllll other things in my life... 

eesh. 

I'm sorry to all who run into me.

Love and pray for me.. 

cnp