points of pondering

i guess a lot is on my mind, but a couple things i'll focus on (so i think)

hard for me to live with people/or become close friends with people who expect certain things, who live a certain lifestyle that then expects you to meet their standards/ways of being...

as most of you know, time is a relative thing for me, i see it in perspective with the people around me, and when they disappear, it must be time to go.. ha, a slight exaggeration but probably not toooo far off ;)

but, when people start to put limits on me and get frustrated with me for not arrivign 10 minutes early, or for not havign a gameplan before the day begins, its hard, i feel trapped and suffocated and pressured. i hate those feelings, i hate that i get clostrophobic and probably it leads to me feeling homesick b/c i feel misunderstood and not appreciated for who i am...

i wondered as i showered tonight, how you (my best friends at home) have dealt with your laid back time schedules.. if friends mind when you say, i'm 15 minutes behind for teh coffee date, or if you've just chosen to hang out with people who are like you in that...?  it's very interesting to think.. i seem to run into those kind of friends, bu ti feel i can never fully relax or be myself, b/c im constantly in the mindset to please, and i know they are much harder for my personality to please-- i know that they want certain things met and i know that i wont be able to naturally meet them, so it makes me feel a whole lot of pressure to meet...

this leads me to another point, of how much i love and want and feel i "need" to please others-- it is me to want to be apprecaited and cherished for who i am, and while everyone still "loves" me-- they may think im crazy for staying up too late, or not having plans for the night,
i just feel grace is not as common in these siutations, and then the whole act of trying to please, FAILS, b/c they still didnt understand me, so i may have met one thing, but it wasnt like these people/personalities really appreciated it, bc to them, that is what is expected...
hard.. life is hard...

im thankful for you who know me, and still love me and accept me and encourage me. i believe the friends i have here, may not have the nature to encourage as much , which would hopefully speak well of christian friends and family i have at home,
i feel its not as natural or easy to be understanding, although many are, i feel its easier to walk on tippy-toes  than to expect that others will be understanidng... ok i'm getting tired, side tracked and this isnt going anywhere anymore haah, but good thoughts , i may have to start praying more hardcore about meeting other ppl/pleasing them, and still living how God wants me to..

how do you say the expression/word that describes something diagonally across?? how would you all say kiddy-corner?  (these new jerseyans are all saying kaddy corner!!) i'd never heard that.. i should ask Grandma (far away).. mom, you want to ask her for me ;)  ?